Most of you will not know that I have written a book.
I finished it before going to BlogHer this summer, and there met the Marketing Director from Zondervan. She liked the premise when we spoke, as well as the first chapter that I sent her. She forwarded my book proposal (which I learned how to do on Pathfinder Day at BlogHer), as well as my third chapter, to her Editor.
I haven’t heard anything back in these 2 ½ months.
But that doesn’t actually bother me because I am in the throes of massive editing. It turns out that what I called “a finished book in need of polishing” was really just a lump of clay. Julie from By Any Other Name graciously agreed to read my book and, far from scoffing at my lump of clay, actually cheered me on. I love her.
My friend Rosalind went through it too with such a fine-tooth comb that I can only call it a labor of love. It’s too bad that the whole thing (apart from the actual story) is going in the poubelle (garbage), and I would have done better to ask her to fine-tooth comb it when it was completed. Still, I learned such important truths as – the phrase is “all of a sudden” and not “all of the sudden.” I love her.
Then my husband got a hold of it and I couldn’t read the original text for all of the revisions. A couple of tearful conversations repaired the damage, and I eventually came to see that he was completely right about 99% of everything he said. I love him.
And finally, my friend Lesley … oh my goodness, Lesley. She has a degree in English Lit, but came this close to representing the US at the Olympics for Tae Kwon Do. You do not want to meet her in a dark alley. Rather, you want to be hiding behind her in a dark alley. Anyway, she lovingly, firmly and with no nonsense sent me on a complete spin of revisions, and is perfectly right in about 99% of what she said. I love her.
I almost forgot to mention what the book is about. It’s a memoire of my time in Taiwan and Africa, New York and here in France. It tells of my spiritual journey (which is quite astonishing even if you’re not a huge believer), and it tells of love, life and loss.
One day it might actually tell of those things well.
So that’s why I haven’t followed up with Zondervan, or sent my proposal anywhere else. Truthfully, it’s hard to blog and write – the two are not necessarily the same thing, as blogging involves relationships and writing involves introspection. I do love them both though.
Another thing that’s been going on is that I’ve signed up for a session of EMDR. Do you know what that is? It has something to do with lights in your eyes as you talk about traumatic stuff, and it’s supposed to derail unhealthy thinking. Have you ever tried it?
I chose to see a psychiatrist because all of the sessions, apart from the actual EMDR session, are covered by insurance. This guy epitomizes a psychiatrist: grey hair, soothing pompous voice, leather armchair (with a leather “bed” in the back), photos of his travels on the wall, tweed coat, complete lack of empathy. All he needs is the pipe.
However, I know that in EMDR the person who performs it only accompanies – it’s the treatment itself that’s supposed to be effective. I’ve had 4 prep sessions where we got to the root of what I wanted to work on. The last session was so quick my parking ticket was free. I still had to pay him 60€ though.
Anyway, I was supposed to narrow it down to one catch-phrase that represents the root of the problem we need to work on. My catch-phrase? Ahem … (blush):
“I don’t want to be fat (anymore).”
Except it’s not said simply like that, it’s like a cry from the heart. Like the painting of The Screamer.
I was worried that it was too vague and wasn’t addressing anything deep-rooted specifically, but he assured me that it would do quite nicely. So I have that session in one week.
The thing is, I know everything there is to know about the actual procedure of losing weight, but none of that will ever work if I don’t address what’s behind it: the fact that I often feel so empty emotionally it’s like I’m walking around with hollow limbs and a cavernous gut. I constantly want to fill it with something. And every time I have an encounter with anyone, no matter how great, I want to re-fill what the encounter cost me.
Have you read the children’s book, “And here’s to you!” by David Elliott?
“Here’s to the cows! The Giving People! Cows!
Here’s to the woolly ones, The bonny and the bully ones.
Here’s to the silky ones, And butter-cream and milky ones.
Oh, I love the cows!”
That page gets on my nerves.
So there’s that. I also hinted at a lack of self-esteem in my last post, and I wish to exonerate my parents, who raised me well, and who love me. Sometimes depression and lack of self esteem just settle down in a person and that’s all there is to it.
A friend of mine (actually we finally have a pastor in our church for the first time in ten years, and it’s his wife) recommended that I memorize Scriptures that talk about God’s love in order to fight back the harmful thoughts. She said I should post them on my doorframe like the Israelites did in Moses’ day. So I did.
Honestly, I know the power of the Scriptures. I think back to that anxious, sleepless night I spent years ago when I memorized the entirety of Ephesians 4 – living as children of the light. To this day, I still wield “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” like it’s a sword.
I also wield Romans 4 every time I’m tempted to judge,”Who are you to judge another man’s servant? By his own master he stands or falls.” It’s powerful. Stops me dead in my tracks.
But I had yet to apply any Scriptural balm to the wing-clipped bird in me. So these are some of the things I’m working on – some of the stuff you didn’t know about me that I’ve been going through lately.
Thanks for loving me.
* Featured Photo Credit here.