(* warning: this post contains religious content)
My warning above is partly in humor; however since this is not a Christian blog and some people don’t come here for that, I thought it only fair to warn in case you want to skip over this post.
I thought I was pregnant again. (Mom, Dad don’t have a coronary – I’m not and we’re not trying either).
But I thought for a couple of days there that the “End of the Ovum” was, in fact, just the beginning due to a well (ill?)-timed stomach flu and an expected event that was slow in making its appearance.
What were my thoughts about being pregnant again … at age 41, with a stretched budget and an even more stretched belly – with three young children aged 6 to 2 and the need to upsize car and house (again) … well, I felt
“wooooo HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
I’m sorry to say, but that’s how it was.
The innocent little oval on the stick that’s supposed to have a line, a cross, a “yes” (a “oui”) can be sadly blank sometimes.
I felt very excited about being pregnant for all the obvious reasons – a new life, another little trooper to add to our parade, the family reunions in years to come when all the kids bring home spouses and grandchildren – the baby factor – a baby to cuddle and smell and hold and feed and love …
But I think I was also excited about being pregnant because I wanted a new thing.
Having a baby would mean that I would stop doing the Dr Dukan high-protein diet (which I haven’t been doing for a couple of days because of all the sugar cookies and then the stomach flu, which requires rice and bread). If being pregnant again was anything like my other three, I wouldn’t need it. I would lose a lot of weight during the pregnancy and would then just have to try and avoid consuming entire bars of chocolate daily in an attempt to keep my head above water through round-the-clock feeds. Having a baby would also mean that I would have to take a break from the English classes I had just started giving this year.
Having a baby would mean a new thing in my life, and that I wouldn’t have to persevere with any attempts I’m making to live the life I already have. This is a pattern for me.
Each year in college was a fresh start following a summer’s fun life-guarding. It meant parties, sorority and all the fun associated with being young and free – opportunities, study abroad, new living quarters, new people. I felt alive.
Then I graduated and went to Taiwan. I was so desperate for the opportunity to fly away that I convinced the guy to give me the job over the phone. After a year, I went to New York City (you know, for my “big break”) and temped a bit before going back to Taiwan for another year. When that was done, I moved to Paris for a year and when things didn’t work out there, it was back to New York City. As long as I kept moving, there was hope.
I got a job traveling to Asia for a couple of years and when I got laid off from there, took a simple job as a secretary where the “new thing” was that Sir and I started “courting.”
A new thing: a marriage. A new thing: a year in Africa. A new apartment, a new job, a new pregnancy, a move to Staten Island, a move to France, another pregnancy, a move, another pregnancy, a move. Anything but remain static, anything but having to face myself.
When I found out there was no baby yesterday, I talked to God to try to process what I felt. And I concluded that He’s doing something. If it’s not to bring about a new life, He is regardless giving birth to something in me. Something else, something new. Will it be a new situation? A new challenge? (I hope it’s not a challenge).
So last night, I did the ole “open the Bible and point” thing, which sometimes gets me something like “The sons of Gomer: Ashkenaz, Riphath and Togarmah,”
but yesterday led me to Isaiah 42:9
“See, the former things have taken place,
and new things I declare;
before they spring into being
I announce them to you.”
My heart felt tickled because it seemed to me that God is indeed doing something new.
This morning I talked to Sir about what I think it is. I told him that even though I had sort of fallen off the wagon regarding the diet, I planned to continue again tomorrow (when all the rest of the flu has made its way through my system). I didn’t want to give up on my attempts to face my life. I told him that it made my heart ache to always want to go after something new when I don’t even do a very good job with what I already have. I just know I can do better. I know I can appreciate my life better. I can stop running.
My achilles heel is that I always think “what’s the point?” about everything. What’s the point to clean? What’s the point to organize my book shelves? What’s the point to eat well and exercise, to do a spa treatment, to save money, to get up early to pray? What’s the point – I’m still the same me in the same body in the same life. What’s the point? I won’t have gained enough from doing those things to make giving up the comfort of doing nothing worth my while.
But last night I decided that the new thing is not a new event, a new birth or a new move – it’s a new character. (okay, okay I know it’s a slow process to get one).
Sir agreed. He listened to me smiling. In the ten years we’ve been married, he knows me. He knows it’s time to stop running after the new things. “What a victory,” he said, “not to start a new diet, but to pick up the same one you left off.” “What a victory,” he went on “to not add a new thing to your life that you will eventually have to run away from at some point to find the next thing.”
I protested, “I love my life and I don’t want to run away from it. Sometimes I want (trying not to be too dramatic) to beat my breast that I can’t just live the life I’ve been given, but that I’m always running away from it. I don’t think it’s my life I’m running from – it’s me. The disappointment of a person that I am.”
Sir smiled more broadly, “You’re not a disappointment to me. And I know you’re not to God. I count my blessings to be married to you. You’re like a diamond in God’s hand – transparent and precious.”
Petit Prince is home, having caught my stomach flu, and the dishes from the past two days are piled up. I have about 4 batches of cookies to bake for my English classes tomorrow so that they will have something to decorate for their last class of the trimester. I had better go get started on everything.
It’s a new day and I have some new things to do.
This post, it just took my breath away. Wow. It was so full of insight and wisdom and this clarity as you look inside yourself for the answers.
And, my dear, I haven’t known you very long, but how on earth could you even begin to think you were a disappointment? You have grabbed life and jumped into it completely, a fearless traveler of adventure, you have done things and seen things and gone places that most people spend their entire lives just wishing over. Know that you are an amazing soul whose heart is open, listening for your next prompt in this great life. Hold that beautiful head high. You are worthy and amazing. Never forget it.
Joann, your comment really touched me. I don’t want anyone to think I am fishing for compliments, nor am I plagued with chronically low self esteem (it alternates with euphoric narcissism).
No, just kidding.
But it’s true that I sometimes feel like that and it won’t be pushed away by achievement or keeping busy. It can be a good barometer for where I’m at though.
This post is my favorite that you’ve ever written (and I’ve really liked a lot of your posts). Insightful, honest, and so beautifully written. Thank you.
I’m not one who runs away, but I definitely struggle to fully live and appreciate the moment and life I am in. I always think about “when we . . .” When we move. When our kids are older. And on and on.
I’ve been thinking of a theme for the next year and have chosen the word “stretch.” I’ve been thinking that I need to start living that concept for myself right now instead of waiting until January 1 — as an attempt to wait for “when we” to make the changes I want to make.
Mep – that’s a great idea to have a theme for the year. I’ve never done that. But what does stretch represent to you (apart from yoga)? 🙂
Hello Lady Jennie, What you write here is so lovely. I like the achilles tendon “what’s the point?” What a traveller – wow!
Angie
So honest and well-written. You’ve made a wonderful discovery and are well on the way to being a happier human being.
Here’s to kicking that inner critic to the curb!
HF&I – thanks for persevering with me. I’m sure I lost followers after that rabbit post!
I wonder if it’s our age (if we’re even the same age). Up until a point there must be a certain amount of “trying things on.” And eventually you have to see what fits. It’s always been hard for me to accept that I am an ordinary person with an ordinary life. Although I know that if the spirit is large there is no such thing. But sometimes I look for the world’s validity rather than searching for my own acceptance. Let’s make it our best, huh?
Dear Lady Jennie . . . I read this post earlier today and didn’t have time to comment. Now that I am back here, I just don’t know what to say. This moved me so … and I so relate to so many of the feelings you honestly shared. After reading what you’ve done in your short live, dear friend, I am blown away (… and feeling so very very inadequate.) I just watned to tell you how very much this touched my heart – and how much I admire your honesty. And whatever “new thing” that calls you next, I look so forward to reading about it here. Believe . . . I think that may be my word for 2011. How about you?
It’s true I was trying to think of something along those lines, which is why I mentioned “experience” on your blog. But that doesn’t speak to me as a word of the year. I’ll have to think some more. Maybe simply character?
“It made my heart ache to always want to go after something new when I don’t even do a very good job with what I already have. I just know I can do better. I know I can appreciate my life better. I can stop running.”
I feel the same way, nearly every day. And I want to do better, just like you. I want to love the life I’m living. It’s my one and only life, after all. That’s a daunting task, but it helps to know there are others out there feeling the same things.
It is nice not to be alone, isn’t it? Still nicer to overcome these struggles.
Your post really touched me. Your writing is wonderful, insighful and challanges those who read it. It made me first think about you – and a disappointment or an ordinary person living an ordinary life definately does not come to mind – and then I thought about me.
You are a warm and loving friend, my dear….a doting mother, a person of great faith who nurtures the sick and cares for the souls of her loved ones (hmm – the poem for Nate, teaching in Africa, Moguay who will now always be remembered by me and the list goes on), a person who speaks 3 languages, has travelled the world, has a loving husband and children, who has risen above tragedy….must I go on?) Ordinary, a disappointment – no way Lady J. But of course, what matters is how you see yourself, right.
Hmmm……I struggle too, of course with my own demons of self acceptance. I could go on much easier about what I feel I am not than all that I am. As of late I have started a mantra to change my perspective of myself. I think that if I repeat it enough I will believe it. I also wonder what my purpose is in life. Is it to be an accountant – sounds rather blah, ordinary is probably gorified and not very inspiring. Maybe it is to be a good mother to my children, a good woman, a good friend and a good person which is who I try to be everyday. I must embrace these principles and scream them to myself when I forget who I am, or how far I have come. A word for the year is a great thing. Perhaps mine should be “embrace” or “breathe” or “confidence” – all equally applicable. Thanks for making me take note of my own life – love you, my dear friend!
oooh what a lovely post. Perfect timing too, just in time to think about the new year and new goals and wants etc.
You made me look at our life, we too keep looking for the ‘new thing’. Every year since we have been married we have either had a baby, moved house or changed jobs – sometimes all three!!!! We can never plan 5 years ahead because we have no clue what life would look like then. I am not sure that I can change though, I like the challenge. But perhaps instead of the ‘big’ things we could set up smaller challenges lol no more babies anyway 😀
Your Hubby sounds amazing! Very patient and understanding lol mine just turns around and says that I think/worry too much.
Great post my dear x
I like the challenge too! If we were presented an opportunity to do something new, I would jump at it. But I don’t want that to define who I am anymore. I want to be … amazing in the life I am currently living. There is just too much of me that likes to escape! 🙂 Gotta stop that!
You have such an adventurous spirit! That is a wonderful thing to have!
It is so hard to settle into the day-to-day of our everyday lives. Everything looks glamorous from afar, and shabby up close. You may have to force yourself to embrace the life you have right now, but hopefully it will become second nature in time.
Well said – glamorous from afar and shabby up close. So well said. I’m really going to go for it. I’m going to have a theme for this new year.
ah, the joys of getting on a bit. Stability is the new new.