My roommate Sue used to say, “You’re okay, everything’s okay,” and sometimes when I need soothing, I tell myself that in her same tone. (Hi Sue). I thought I would mention to you that “I’m okay, everything’s okay” with a big thanks to Ms. Pearl who noticed I’ve been a bit MIA from the blogosphere, both in posting and in visiting, and who was kind enough to ask.
The truth is, I’m exhausted. I have no juice.
Today’s post was supposed to be a tutorial on artichokes (which are a bit brown because I kept getting caught up in other things) and the pictures are ready and the artichokes eaten, but I’m too exhausted to download and comment on them. I’ll get to it.
I came up with a time management concept while working with my life coach. Or perhaps it could more accurately be described as a self-image concept. In any case, the image is that of a landowner and that of a servant.
Sometimes I feel like a landowner. By that I mean a 19th century landowner “lady of the house.” A Lady Jennie who has nothing better to do than direct the servants, eat crumpets and learn to cross-stitch.
At other times I feel like a servant – not a servant like a slave (although that image does occasionally crop up when it comes to my kids), but a servant in a Christ-like way, something that brings pleasure, a way of life that feels right because it’s outward focused.
I have strong leadership capabilities and have no problem organizing projects or taking charge of situations. When we lived in Somaliland and were helping to get the maternity hospital ready for its grand opening, the foreman of the construction crew called me “The General” because I was there every morning to survey the progress, and the workers all trembled before me and my clipboard. (Hey – why don’t I employ that same method in getting my kids to clean their rooms)?
I also love serving. I love remembering how people take their coffee, or bringing people food when they’ve had a baby, or giving them whatever assistance that is within my capabilities. Just generally finding ways to give to people brings me great joy. So I can identify with both roles in almost equal measure.
The problem is this. As a landowner, your only responsibility is to manage the property without sentiment. With clear concise instructions you run the household smoothly (if you’re not busy as Lord of the Manor in some nefarious way, like impregnating the servants or something).
And as a servant, your only responsibility is to follow orders. You can take pleasure in cleaning the silver in the buffet as its your only responsibility for the afternoon. You don’t trouble your pretty little head with things too great for you. You just make sure each spoon is polished well and think about what the cook is preparing for dinner.
But when you are a stay-at-home-mom, you have to be both the landowner and the servant at the same time.
There are no clear cut boundaries for each role so when you’re wearing the landowner hat, you’re stressing about when you the servant are actually going to get things done. And when you’re wearing the servant hat, you’re stressed about the long list of things to do, as the landowner in you is hovering not far away. That to-do list with no end in sight stresses you out so much you end up feeling like …. a servant.
So the goal, I suppose, would be to clearly identify which projects belong to each role. And when you’re in the landowner mode, you wear only that hat and focus only on the responsibilities it entails. And when you’re in the servant role, you concentrate only on what being a servant requires and don’t waste time stressing about things that don’t concern you.
At least it all sounds good on paper.
What about you? What do you do to manage your time? Are you as exhausted as I am?
What an interesting and fitting metaphor, Jennie, for the life of a stay-at-home mom. Thanks for giving me such delicious food for thought.
To answer your question: yes, I’m tired, but less tired than I have been in awhile. My 3mo is starting to sleep better and better and my husband (a college professor) just started his summer vacation so he’s home a lot more to help with the kids. The biggest benefit to me of that is that I get to have just a bit of time to myself each day. And I find that that little chunk of time helps reinvigorate me – especially when I use it to read great blog posts like this one!
Thank you for your excellent comment. That 3 month mark is a real change in newborn rhythm isn’t it? Things start to take on a pattern that’s more manageable. I’m so glad your husband is around to help you more too.
I was just going to post on this very subject!
I am buried under laundry that needs to be put away, pulling weeds in the gardens, watering the plants, cleaning the kitchen, going through the closets, and making good meals, with the grocery shopping that goes with that.
I need to spend time with my family, also, that is physical.
I don’t know how others do it…
I know! And I don’t think I’m much worse since having started blogging. I just found other ways to get “me” time before and those long lists still awaited me. The worst I believe is weeding, especially when it hasn’t rained in months and the weeds have really taken root.
I was born tired, and I don’t think I’ll ever catch up. At least I’m not alone! And I could really use that artichoke primer, come to think of it.
The artichokes are coming. Hey, aren’t you leaving soon?
I have thought alot about this recently as I find myself in that exact same manager/server….more trying not to be a slave when it comes to my children….ultimately exhausted situation all the time. My Mom used to say that housework is a thankless job! And what pearls of wisdom they were! You wash all the dishes and 2 minutes later – the sink is no longer empty, laundry the same thing and the list could go on and on. And this has no relation to serving the greater good in the capacity which you describe. Just the daily grind of it all!
I think what helps me is to focus on one task at a time, to delegate whenever possible (just started enforcing this and it is amazing how much young children can actually particpate if we let them), to get as much help as I can afford, to tell myself it is not the end of the world if the laundry stays in the dryer another day and to get into bed early NO MATTER WHAT. So, no late night folding laundry, opening mail, TV or surfing the web after the kiddies are in bed.
The big thing is that each day I must do whatever it is that will help center/rejeuvenate me. The 30 minute walk home from work really helps me to transition between work/home, some stretching, reading or a nice bath before bed really helps to wind me down.
Drop me a line when you can — 🙂
I will. Wanna come over and help me weed? he he
I feel selfish (or childish) admitting that my biggest issue is the desire for acknowledgement…
I should be grateful for the opportunity to run my home and nurture my children; to provide a home for my family and love.
But (I’m embarrassed to admit) I kind of want my husband and kids to praise me for it. And I don’t want a mumbled “Thanks.”
(just being honest.)
More like a YOU ARE SO AWESOME AND WE ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU kind of response.
But that’s not realistic. And I certainly don’t applaud their every move, either.
I try to say thank you and notice the small tasks that must be done (thanks for taking out the garbage, cleaning the garage, putting away the folded clothes) but SO MUCH of what the landowner/servant does goes unnoticed. Under the radar.
I suppose a sign of a smoothly-run home is the seamlessness of it all. No one even sees the effort that goes in to it.
But I sure do like Mother’s Day when they do 😉
My biggest issue is not desire for acknowledgement. It’s escaping the horrid task in the first place! 😉
A wonderful post . . . you told a story that most women can relate to really well.
. . . . . I wake up each morning grateful for another day.
I know that I won’t finish everything or somedays even most things, but I try to be really in the moment with what I am doing.
I want family and friends to know that I love them.
I’ve learned as I have gotten older to live and let live. Everything done is appreciated, the bathroon cleaned always feels sooooo good. An hour to paint or read is heaven, a conversation with family or friends is priceless.
. . . . I wake up each morning grateful for another day.
onewomansthoughts2day@blogspot.com
I want to wake up each day, grateful for another one. In principal that is how I operate. But I seem to be so tired that I forget about gratitude and am bent on survival.
Ironically, my post today is about cutting back. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by everything I want to do and am accomplishing less as a result. The landowner/servant analogy is a good one for any job, paid or unpaid. Finding a balance between the two is something I hope to achieve eventually.
Sometimes you just have to say “no,” even if you really want to help out. Do whatever it takes to recharge those batteries.
I love your antique shots. Incidentally I just found out I have strep throat, which could explain a lot. Thank goodness for antibiotics and painkillers! I should be back on my feet in no time.
Wow, that is one of the clearest way I’ve ever read to define a task, action or goal. I get all mixed up ALL the time because if I’m doing something that really just requires that I DO something, then I feel like I’m not doing enough. But, those things just need to be done. They don’t need innovation or leadership or whatever. It is a simple task that I try to complicate. Then, when it’s a bigger project, like trying to oversee the construction of a house, I sometimes think I need to roll up my sleeves and get in on the action. Um, no, Elizabeth, probably not if you want to keep all ten fingers. That just requires a leadership role.
This really opened my eyes and helped me to put things into perspective. Thanks.
And, hang in there.
Thanks buddy. Let’s hope we all keep our ten fingers because it’s easy to get sidetracked!
I think people, in general, thrive in routine. So I do think a schedule is valuable for all aspects of a life, and it does help to make things more cut and dry if possible.
You seem like a gal that can stick to a routine because you manage to get so much done. I think I get so much done by spinning too many tasks at once but manage to not keep to a routine (sadly).
I’m perpetually exhausted, but just wanted to say that cross-stitching is over rated.
Now see, I’m comforted by that, because I started a cross stitch in 1994 and it’s still not finished.
Time management? I have no idea what that is. LOL
I have no answers, but find it fascinating and coicidental that I’m currently reading about the concept of…”servant leadership”
Google it!
I did google it, but I fear that I would end up becoming more servant than leader. What about you? I have this tendency to give until I’m all wrung out (and then end up with a horrid case of strep throat, like now).
I totally relate and I don’t have kids! I am a single woman with a dog. (But, if you ask her, she is a child, thankyouverymuch).
I like to take hot baths when my life/dog-ahem-child overwhelms me.
Good luck!
Hey – don’t underestimate the darling dogs. They’re just kids that never grow up!
Manage my time? Don’t make me laugh. When I grow up, I’m hoping I’ll figure it out…
I have this sneaking suspicion that we shall never grow up.
Oh, my dear friend, I am completely exhausted as well. And even after returning from a few days of “vacation” . . . I find myself longing for some way of relieving this stress and tension I have so quickly put back on myself. I think I do it to myself, you know? At least that’s what my husband thinks. Although, he doesn’t quite understand that if I don’t do the laundry, clean the counters, throw away the garbage, do the homework, call the in-laws, drive the children . . . then it doesn’t get done. So, time management is not my strong suit today. If you figure it out – please share. I’m really ready to know how to manage it all . . .
I love this post and I think it resonates with all of us 🙂
Oh, how I related to this. I’m tired even when I just wake up and I have an ever expanding to-do list. I try not to stress about the mess too much! The landowner servant analogy is an interesting way of looking at this. It is hard to separate the two roles. Hope your throat gets better soon.
I think my problem is that being a Mother has trumped everything else in my life. Time management is good in theory until one of your little darlings NEEDS something. (and let’s face it they are forever throwing us curve balls lol) I am struggling to find an hour for myself here or there without suffering from Mommy Guilt AND without allowing our home and the work that comes with it to rule my life. I’m certain one day I will find balance!
WOW Jennie! Even when I do have time, I still don’t want to do things I SHOULD do. I do them when I feel like it and then I can’t stop until it’s done. I only have one kid, I can only imagine having 3. I have been reading this book called “eat the frog” or something like that. It’s a book for procrastinators like me but one thing that it says to do is make monthly lists, weekly lists, and daily lists. WHOA nelly! It does help. Had to share. You write really well 🙂
Oh! It’s the younger Marjorie…LOL!
No, your comment didn’t get deleted my friend. The first time someone posts a comment it has to be approved and then after that it appears straight away. But due to the time difference I didn’t see it til this morning. 🙂
Oh, me too. Complete exhaustion. My brain is just stretched and strained by the list I can never accomplish. Last night I sat to write a master list, then tried to figure out some sort of prioritization. The great thing about leading is you have someone to delegate to, the gift of serving is you are not often saddled with the big picture required to lead.
I organize like hell and try to get in front of as much as I can/ I can get stressed at times, but I stop and tell myself to just breathe. But then the Universe also reminds you that it is in charge and does things like make your mother-in-law visit, and then no matter how organized you are, the plan goes to hell and I could cry, but I have decided to accept it for now!