A Lady In France

Stuff You Didn’t Know

Most of you will not know that I have written a book.

I finished it before going to BlogHer this summer, and there met the Marketing Director from Zondervan. She liked the premise when we spoke, as well as the first chapter that I sent her. She forwarded my book proposal (which I learned how to do on Pathfinder Day at BlogHer), as well as my third chapter, to her Editor.

I haven’t heard anything back in these 2 ½ months.

But that doesn’t actually bother me because I am in the throes of massive editing. It turns out that what I called “a finished book in need of polishing” was really just a lump of clay. Julie from By Any Other Name graciously agreed to read my book and, far from scoffing at my lump of clay, actually cheered me on. I love her.

My friend Rosalind went through it too with such a fine-tooth comb that I can only call it a labor of love. It’s too bad that the whole thing (apart from the actual story) is going in the poubelle (garbage), and I would have done better to ask her to fine-tooth comb it when it was completed. Still, I learned such important truths as – the phrase is “all of a sudden” and not “all of the sudden.” I love her.

Then my husband got a hold of it and I couldn’t read the original text for all of the revisions. A couple of tearful conversations repaired the damage, and I eventually came to see that he was completely right about 99% of everything he said. I love him.

And finally, my friend Lesley … oh my goodness, Lesley. She has a degree in English Lit, but came this close to representing the US at the Olympics for Tae Kwon Do. You do not want to meet her in a dark alley. Rather, you want to be hiding behind her in a dark alley. Anyway, she lovingly, firmly and with no nonsense sent me on a complete spin of revisions, and is perfectly right in about 99% of what she said. I love her.

I almost forgot to mention what the book is about. It’s a memoire of my time in Taiwan and Africa, New York and here in France. It tells of my spiritual journey (which is quite astonishing even if you’re not a huge believer), and it tells of love, life and loss.

One day it might actually tell of those things well.

So that’s why I haven’t followed up with Zondervan, or sent my proposal anywhere else. Truthfully, it’s hard to blog and write – the two are not necessarily the same thing, as blogging involves relationships and writing involves introspection. I do love them both though.

Another thing that’s been going on is that I’ve signed up for a session of EMDR. Do you know what that is? It has something to do with lights in your eyes as you talk about traumatic stuff, and it’s supposed to derail unhealthy thinking. Have you ever tried it?

I chose to see a psychiatrist because all of the sessions, apart from the actual EMDR session, are covered by insurance. This guy epitomizes a psychiatrist: grey hair, soothing pompous voice, leather armchair (with a leather “bed” in the back), photos of his travels on the wall, tweed coat, complete lack of empathy. All he needs is the pipe.

However, I know that in EMDR the person who performs it only accompanies – it’s the treatment itself that’s supposed to be effective. I’ve had 4 prep sessions where we got to the root of what I wanted to work on. The last session was so quick my parking ticket was free. I still had to pay him 60€ though.

Anyway, I was supposed to narrow it down to one catch-phrase that represents the root of the problem we need to work on. My catch-phrase? Ahem … (blush):

“I don’t want to be fat (anymore).”

Except it’s not said simply like that, it’s like a cry from the heart. Like the painting of The Screamer.

I was worried that it was too vague and wasn’t addressing anything deep-rooted specifically, but he assured me that it would do quite nicely. So I have that session in one week.

The thing is, I know everything there is to know about the actual procedure of losing weight, but none of that will ever work if I don’t address what’s behind it: the fact that I often feel so empty emotionally it’s like I’m walking around with hollow limbs and a cavernous gut. I constantly want to fill it with something. And every time I have an encounter with anyone, no matter how great, I want to re-fill what the encounter cost me.

Have you read the children’s book, “And here’s to you!” by David Elliott?

There’s that page that goes,

“Here’s to the cows! The Giving People! Cows!

Here’s to the woolly ones, The bonny and the bully ones.

Here’s to the silky ones, And butter-cream and milky ones.

Oh, I love the cows!”

That page gets on my nerves.

So there’s that. I also hinted at a lack of self-esteem in my last post, and I wish to exonerate my parents, who raised me well, and who love me. Sometimes depression and lack of self esteem just settle down in a person and that’s all there is to it.

A friend of mine (actually we finally have a pastor in our church for the first time in ten years, and it’s his wife) recommended that I memorize Scriptures that talk about God’s love in order to fight back the harmful thoughts. She said I should post them on my doorframe like the Israelites did in Moses’ day. So I did.

Honestly, I know the power of the Scriptures. I think back to that anxious, sleepless night I spent years ago when I memorized the entirety of Ephesians 4 – living as children of the light. To this day, I still wield “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” like it’s a sword.

I also wield Romans 4 every time I’m tempted to judge,”Who are you to judge another man’s servant? By his own master he stands or falls.” It’s powerful.  Stops me dead in my tracks.

But I had yet to apply any Scriptural balm to the wing-clipped bird in me. So these are some of the things I’m working on – some of the stuff you didn’t know about me that I’ve been going through lately.

Thanks for loving me.

* Featured Photo Credit 123RF.

Comments

I love to hear from you, friends. You can comment using the box below or your Facebook profile. But FB doesn't notify me of new comments, so if the post is more than a week old and you want to make sure I see your comment, it's better to use the comment box. Merci!

Comments

  1. Alison says

    So all those times I wrote, “you must write a book!”, you actually did! I’m so proud of you. Even if you haven’t heard back or have to do a thousand revisions. You wrote it.

    And for the other thing I didn’t know – I’m sorry. Know that I’m here for you. xo

  2. Jackie Cangro says

    I am so proud of you for writing your memoir. I’ve often thought that you write so lovingly and thoughtfully your story would make a great read. You’re a good storyteller. I think memoir can be more difficult than fiction (which I write) because you have to stick to the events as they happened. They don’t necessarily unfold in a way that makes for compelling reading. I always tell my students that when I teach my creative writing class.

    I’m happy that you have so many trusted and accomplished readers. That is a gift! I’ve found that too many people will placate you. Not helpful.
    I can completely sympathize with you about the edits. I thought it was ready. Even my first agent thought it was ready. It wasn’t . It took months of an overhaul, but now I’m prouder of it than ever.

    Sorry to ramble on so much! Keep on keeping on, Friend!

    • ladyjennie says

      Jackie you have hit the nail on the head. What do I do with all the boring parts in between the exciting parts? I fear I’m not skilled enough to pull it off, but I’m trying my best.

      Do you have something published? I would love to buy it if so. (And thank you for your support – it means a lot to me).

  3. Amina says

    You wrote a book, all by yourself. And you still keeps hurting yourself, you should really be proud of you!!! And who doesn’t feel miserable, when they don’t get what they want???? It doesn’t mean it won’t work, is it?

    So you better review the book, and try again, before I’ll get you!

    And about the rest, you should also be kind with yourself, because you know there is something and since I know you, you’ve been always working on it instead of living with it. So that’s really important, and encouraging.

    XO

  4. julie gardner says

    You. Are. Spectacular.
    (really, truly.)

    And I adore you, your words, your honesty, your fragility.

    So I’m holding you in my heart right now.
    Until we meet in person…

    Can you feel it?
    XO

  5. Kimberly says

    I can’t even…there are no words…I’m just so proud of you. So so so so proud of you.
    And so excited.
    I’m dancing in Canada for you.
    This is just…wow.
    xo

  7. Jackie says

    What? A book? That is truly incredible and I can’t wait to read it one day! I hope that you’ll share it with all of us as soon as it’s published (because I know that it will be).

    I admire you. For your strength, honesty, and openness with all of us who read your blog. I know that I couldn’t do it…

  8. ladyjennie says

    You’re a big softie and I love you. And things are almost settled down enough for me to come in and meet you. This rentrée has been one of the craziest ones ever!

  9. Missy | The Literal Mom says

    I haven’t been here in a long time and am so glad to be back on THIS post. What you said about blogging versus writing? so, so, so, so true. And I’m so incredibly proud of and impressed by you – you, you writer, you!

  12. Carole says

    So exciting! I have been hoping you’d write a book ever since I started reading your blog. You did it! That is huuuuuge and you should be very proud. Kick the self doubt to the curb and keep on going.

    My sister is a psychologist and says EMDR has helped a lot of people. Hang in there.

  13. Mari says

    Jennie, I’m so proud of you and so honored to be your friend. I was fired from my job 3 months ago and have been writing non-step. I too met a woman from Zondervan. I went to a Christian Writers Conf with my elders wife and met an agent there too. My writing mentor (he writes for ABC TV) also was just published for his first book as well as the movie rights. Tell me when you are ready, and I will introduce you to him and maybe he can recommend your book to his agent and publisher! Right? After graduating from film school in 2010, I have learned that writing is re-writing. Honing your craft. I too am trying to pursue my dreams in writing during this time of no work. I will have to bare down and find a job since I am the only one support me, but I hope God will bless it, and point me clearly to his will. At film school, everyone had to do a 15 minute oral on their most traumatic event. I did mine on my conversion story. A girl, Elena, asked me what church I go to. She came, studied, got baptised and is now helping to lead a BT. Hence, follow, and he will provide depth, encouragement, fruit, laughter, and hard work. We have something more in common now! Yeah! Love you!
    M

  14. OpinionsToGo says

    I think you are a spectacular lady, wearing lots of hats and, you look great in all of them!
    Writing a book is a great accomplishment ergo, you accomplished something great.
    I look forward to reading ANYTHING you write.

  15. MommaKiss says

    Um, I wrote a book once.
    I was 6, and I think it was 8 pages of “I love my mom because.”

    That’s all I got.

    So you? Your courage? Inspiring. Keep on keepin’ on, please. You deserve it.

  16. Ameena says

    Writing a book is one of the hardest things in the world. I know this because I’ve tried and failed. I admire you so much for finishing! What a huge accomplishment.

    Thinking of you my friend. Thinking of you.

  17. mep says

    A book, a book! I will look forward to being inspired by your beautiful book one day. I always appreciate your honesty about being a work in progress. I am too and reading your posts fortifies me for my own journey. Keep on.

  19. Nina says

    I am actually looking forward to your book, I would love to read how you’ve transformed your experiences as a christian.
    Keep up the writing 🙂
    Nina

  20. Cheryl Barker says

    Hi Jennie, I’m trying to visit a new blog every day for the next few weeks, and today you’re my new visit! I came over from Pioneer Woman.

    Guess what? I’m writer, too, and also a sister in Christ! (Don’t you love it when that happens?) I am also writing a book (almost finished) and will actually start pitching it when I attend a conference next month. You are right — good critique partners are so helpful. All the best as you continue to grow as a writer!

    • ladyjennie says

      Cheryl, thank you for stopping by and for leaving a comment! That’s so great that you are almost finished with your book too. I hope it gets picked up, hope to read it one day.

  22. anymommy says

    Vulnerability is the heart of relationships. I love this one, I love that you’ve written a book and I hold your hopes for all of it in my heart. Also, this quote “… blogging involves relationships and writing involves introspection. I do love them both though.” is the truest comment on this I’ve ever read.

Recent Posts

Archives

Instagram

Let’s Be Social!