I spend much of my days frozen with ineptitude, sitting amid the ashes and rubble, staring at the vortex of chaos that eats into the structured semblance of order and whips the pieces into more chaos. Does anyone else feel this way? I sometimes wonder if people commit suicide because they cannot bear the disorder. We were created for more. We were created for perfection. And all around us is disorder.
Some people seem to handle it better than others. They have a greater tolerance for deficiency. They experience more joy in taming the vast unknown one project at a time, one task at a time, one minutia at a time. But I’m not like that. Is it depression? Laziness? Perfectionism? What is so terrifying about accepting things in their unfinished imperfect state? Is it that I’m afraid I will be loved less?
I’m afraid I will be loved less.
I shared this with my husband. What will happen if I don’t tame the chaos in my life?
Well … the very worst thing. My one child who suffers from an excess of sensibility (which I recognise with a strike to the gut) might end up unable to bear the disorder. I might lose him. The simple house projects, that we cannot bring about through lack of time, might not get done until we’re old, and that will mean that we spend many more years in disordered imperfection than we do in ordered asylum. The sweetness of declaring a set budget and set diet – boundaries fixed in pleasant places – cannot offer relief if I’m too overwhelmed to set them in the first place, knowing all the while I’m all too likely to fall short of keeping them. What will happen if I can’t perfect my eating routine now and I just keep getting fatter and fatter until I die?
My husband told me he cannot love me less. He told me the other day that he glanced down at a pair of discarded shoes on the floor. They are my most basic pair. Black oxfords with little ties and customised insoles. They have not been polished recently and the edges are worn, and he thought, “Those are the perfect disguise for the perfect treasure.” You take one look at those shoes and you look away again. You think – they don’t contain anything of value. They are not chic Louboutin killer high heels. (This comes from me – not him. My husband has no idea who Louboutin is). The person wearing those shoes will not be anybody special.
These shoes!
But then, thought my husband, the treasure remains hidden for only me to see. This is what he told me, and this was the balm that he poured over my heart while I simultaneously tried to process it and believe it.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 2 Corinthians 4:7
“I can’t handle the chaos!” I said.
“The earth was chaotic at one time,” my husband answered. “And God created perfection and order out of it. And our world is surprisingly orderly despite everything. We can’t get that paper from the bank, but the spring flowers come up just the same. And along with it,” he joked, “the weeds.”
“What does it say at the beginning of Genesis?” he asked, ” The earth is chaotic?”
“The earth was formless and empty,” I replied.
“In French it says chaotic. It comes from the Hebrew words tohu bohu, which the French have actually adopted, although in French it means more of a loud chaos, like a ruckus. There are many different interpretations of tohu-bohu, which is why it’s translated in so many different ways.” And then – because he needed to get to work – he got up and handed me four different French translations to discover, before walking off.
In one French Bible it said chaotic and empty. “La terre n’était que chaos et vide.” In another it said empty and vague. In a third it said invisible and unorganised. And in the last one it said unformed and empty. The world was kind of a mess, and God created order out of it in this beautiful way – creation! And the small order he brings out of every small disorder is part of the creation process. And the making of who we will be out of who we were and who we are is part of the creation process too.
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7b-10)
I will go on, of course, despite the crushing chaos. Of course I will. It’s unthinkable to give up. But I’m finding it is just as vital to surrender to what is if I am ever to taste grace.
PS I was honoured to win Voice of the Year (VOTY) from BlogHer with my post at BonBonBreak on The Threat Stemming from Charlie Hebdo. Unfortunately I won’t be attending BlogHer this year because we have run out of frequent flier miles.
PPS I’ve also decided to stop teaching English classes in the home next year because I’m not able to get enough time with my kids and they have really suffered from it this year. I will continue my tutoring at a private school because it falls during school hours. And I’m on the fence about continuing lessons in the after-school program.
It’s a little terrifying for me – the end of an era. I’ve been teaching some of these kids for 6 years. I’m unsure how it will all go financially, but I want to make more of a career out of writing and be there for my kids, so I have to take the plunge. I hope this will ease the pressure I’ve faced this year due to lack of time.
And I hope it will help me to embrace the imperfection. 🙂
I think it takes so much mental energy to strive for perfection that I’ve usually used it all up before I complete anything. Truly get this. And congrats on VOTY!
Jessica recently posted…Love you is two words
My mom is pretty good at the mentality of ‘just one page (of that hard book) at a time’ or ‘just 5 minutes of weeding a day’ or just ‘one sit-up a day’ It’s too bad that I also use up all my energy on that illusion of perfection before I even start!
I love the honesty in the post and I can relate so much.
Congrats on VOTY!!!!
Nina recently posted…Does Marriage Mean the End of Certain Friendships?
That’s probably why we all write – so much of the feelings in common. 🙂 (thank you)
I’ve struggled with attaining perfection all my life and the sad part is, I know that perfection doesn’t exist – that everything is flawed.
This resonated with me. I love it and especially the comment from Melanie on Facebook – where have those shoes been? What have they seen on their well worn travels?
So much love and congrats on VOTY. You are a brilliant, talented, and thought provoking writer. So proud of you and all your imperfectness xoxoxo
Kimberly recently posted…Sugar Wasted
Thank you dear!!!
I so enjoyed this post. I too have had to learn to give myself permission to have a cluttered life. I used to think that once my kids were grown, my house would be beautiful clean. Wrong. Life is still full of busy. Yesterday I arranged for someone to come in every other week to clean for me … doctors orders since my shoulder needs some mending for the next six weeks. (It got wrenched when I deep cleaned the house for Easter. Dang.) This involved a lot of kicking and dragging my feet on my part to actually call someone to clean.
As I read over the words of your husband and his comments on creation, I saw Jesus, once again, speak over my life as the living Word … and again felt His peace and internal order sweep over my soul.
Lovely chaos, with potential to unfold, is a wonderful experience as I get to watch Him create something new in me. So thank you for your post today. It’s been wonderful to start my day off with your thoughts marinating in my mind and heart.
And congrats on winning Voice of the Year!
Susan Gaddis recently posted…Your Giggle For the Day – Learning Cursive
How are you feeling, by the way? Are you healing well? xo
I’m doing much better, though still not allowed to lift stuff or to do any cleaning, which isn’t a bad thing. 🙂
I see the doctor again tomorrow.
Thanks for asking.
Susan Gaddis recently posted…How to Pray For Your City
Congratulations on the VOTY!!! I love you and how you are striving to understand yourself better and do better. Chaos is hard. I hope you find some peace with time and all of the things. I get very overwhelmed by all of life and all the chaos and I try to remember that all this chaos comes and goes, that helps a little. And I tend to cry a lot. And dance. 🙂
Angela Youngblood recently posted…I Get It
I think we’re a lot a like trying to make sense of all the craziness and stay just a leetle bit on top of it. You dance. I … cry?
I could have used this last week….I swear I couldn’t get a handle on the chaos last week, I did get it together though. Thank God! Congrats on the Voice of the Year.
KC recently posted…Same Foundation, Different Gifts
What a common thing for me to say, but there are weeks like that!!!
This really spoke to me, as one who sometimes creates my OWN chaos in an imperfect attempt at being perfect. I am glad you are making some life changes, because who knows? That might just be the thing that matters. And you already KNOW how thrilled I am for your VOTY. xoxo
Sherri recently posted…50 Shades of Play
You’re a good friend, Sherri. I wish we had gotten to spend more time together at BlogHer than just those few minutes!!!
Congrats on the VOTY! I squealed when I saw it.
I’ve wondered about the origin of suicide before – I always figured it varied.
I’ve struggled with imperfections too. It’s a daily thing, actually. I always want my ducks in a row in every aspect. I fly off the handle if something goes not according to plan. Not literally fly off the handle – but it’s like an itch I can’t scratch. I’ve always been afraid, probably more deeply than I realize, that someone or everyone will love me less.
Tamara recently posted…Are You An Old Soul?
Thanks Tamara! I do think that there are naturally organised people, and then there are those of us where it has to get reeeeeally bad before we sit up and take notice. (I am the latter).
Oh, goodness.
You’ve got me thinking that everything we humans do, good or bad, can stem from the fear of being loved less.
We need so much love, don’t we?
julie gardner recently posted…The Unraveling of Mercy Louis: Book Review and Giveaway
We do! So much. (ps love you)
Chaos, i know it well.
Sometimes i feel a little cocooned from it as i peruse the world from my little hamster ball that spins and spins, out of control.
Somehow i remain tucked in safe, not letting anyone too close … Interesting times to be sure.
Love to you … always and always xxx
Sisters From Another Mister recently posted…Smiles cause wrinkles
I think you need to cocoon yourself right now. It doesn’t mean it will always stay this way. Hugs.