It has been many years since I’ve felt any shame over my depression and the fact that I take medicine for it. As a memoirist and a blogger, I’m too accustomed to publicly sharing my weaknesses as I strive for authenticity. As a Christian and Bible teacher, I’m too accustomed to grappling with the darker masses of the soul and shoving them into the light for healing. Twenty years of anti-depressants. Twenty years of accepting and loving myself in this weakness.
So I was caught off-guard this week when my use of anti-depressants was called into question because I’ve really grown in confidence, and in learning to accept it.
It started with my son’s trumpet teacher. We were discussing how hard he is on himself when he has no call to be. He’s got a talent for the trumpet, he’s hard-working, and he’s only in his second year! I explained that we had invited a family psychologist to come to our home to try and help him with this, adding that I, myself, struggle with depression and have been taking medicine for twenty years. There was an awkward pause as she looked at me. And then she turned to my son and said, “Well, you know what your antidepressant is?” She tapped his instrument. “This is!”
And like that, I was reduced.
The second incident was the worst because it came from the psychologist herself. In everything until this she had been wonderful. Very gentle, and extremely wise in knowing how to deal with some of the smaller unhealthy family patterns before they morph into dysfunction. That was why we called her. But when she found out I had been on medicine for twenty years, these are some of the things she said:
Anti-depressants are for short-term use, not long-term.
Any issues you have need to be worked through with long-term therapy.
You don’t need them to be a wonderful mother.
After twenty years, they have permeated your body and you will need to detox, like with alcohol.
And just like that I was reduced. When she started in (again, in a very gentle, respectful voice – a boosting sort of voice – which was at such variance with the content of her speech), I tried to tell her that I wasn’t really open to what she was saying right now, explaining that I had done long-term therapy several times, and I had attempted to go off medicine under supervision several times. I tried to tell her about my head trauma from the car accident. But she only reinforced her argument. Gently.
The truth is, I have wanted to try to go off medicine again. I’ve been wondering if my new life as a full-time author, where I don’t have to run around and teach, and squeeze my scraps of writing in between outings, will be conducive to trying to go off. I’ve been wondering, if I can really get my nutrition and exercise habits under control, will that help me to manage my depression without medicine? I’ve been wondering these things and gearing up to try again.
But her pressure to do it, or her hints that I should have already done it, have the reverse effect on me. It’s this twisty guilt-shame-panic darkness that threatens to strangle me and convince me that I cannot. It’s this perverse need to show her that she’s wrong and that I can’t do it, thereby validating the twenty years I’ve “wasted” under the influence of medicine.
The third episode was yesterday with my very good friend. I told her about what happened with the psychologist, and she said that she sort of agreed with her, that her mother decided to go off anti-depressants from one day to the next and found that she was totally fine without it.
But the difference with my good friend is that she listened to my story, and then said that my situation sounded different, and that no matter what she was there for me. She validated me and gave me a huge hug, and we were fine. Even though her initial premise was – if my mom can go off it just like that, so can anyone! – she finished the conversation with words of support.
But I still had a headache yesterday. I woke up with a headache (which might have been caused by eating junk food, which might have been caused by feeling badly about myself, which might have been caused by the guilt and shame I felt over taking antidepressants). Regardless of the cause, the headache got worse over the course of the day, and by 8pm, I was in bed with the shutters closed against the daylight, feeling like someone had a crowbar under my left cheekbone and was trying to pop my eyeball out. I slept for twelve hours.
I need to talk to the psychologist. *sigh* I need to tell her that I found her comment to be destructive because – although she was there to assist the family, and therefore had some rights to give an assessment – she didn’t know enough about my past to be able to make that decision. She was not there as my long-term care provider. I’ll have to tell her that I felt like vomiting after she left. I’ll have to tell her that, rather than feeling empowered by her wisdom and help, I felt reduced.
I really don’t want to have to do that.
So that’s what I wanted to tell you about today. I don’t necessarily need for you to tell me I’m okay (although you probably will do that, sweeties that you are). 🙂
In case you didn’t catch the nuance, I don’t want you to advise me on whether nutrition and exercise will cure me of my depression (although I am confident you caught the nuance and wouldn’t do that). 😉
I think I just wanted to tell you my story, and say that, if you see any strength of character in me, it’s because of God and his ability to bring forth glory through debilitating weakness. It doesn’t mean I don’t have any debilitating weakness.
That’s what I wanted to say.
Droit d’auteur: bialasiewicz / 123RF Banque d’images
Il s’agit de douleurs profondes entourés de mystère dont nul n’a le pouvoir de percer. Mais n’oublie pas dieu (Allah) sera toujours avec toi, et ça vaut mieux que tout les psychologues de la terre.
Merci Amina, tu es un chère amie. Et comment tu as vu ça si rapidement? Je viens de le mettre. En tout cas, je t’appellerai car je vais peut-être aller près de chez toi pour les Soldes. Tu fais le Ramadan, donc peut-être que tu n’auras pas le courage de me voir? 😉
You know what bothers me? Generalizations. “So-and-so” did it so you will be able to too. That’s crap. (excuse my French, LOL). Everyone is different in the way they manage depression. I choose to deal with my anxiety without any medication. But I could probably use it sometimes.
I’m sorry you feel so reduced. That isn’t right. I love you, meds or not. XOXO
Elaine A. recently posted…I’m on a Roller Coaster. Not that kind.
I know! I would never want my friend to feel hurt by my sharing this, especially since we worked things out. But it’s true that it’s not helpful to make comparisons, especially in this domain. But she did retract her words.
I will never, ever agree with my husband if he tries to go off his depression meds. I KNOW the difference in him and can spot it before he does. Those meds have so improved his moods and negative thought processes. (And yes, he knows how to “take his thoughts captive”, but the meds help it stick.) My daughter has inherited his depression tendencies, which he got from his mother. I’m always encouraging her to stick with the meds and she agrees. As does her family. End of discussion.
Susan Gaddis recently posted…How to Discover Your Next God Adventure
Bless you Susan. 🙂
Essential oils will cure everything!
I’m sorry – I had to. As someone with moderate but unmedicated anxiety, I hear it all.
I am shocked by the teacher reducing you, although I’m certain or certain I’d like to believe she in no way meant to do so.
I’m shocked by the psychologist herself. She’s not a psychiatrist, because I’ve never taken an anti-depressant in my life, but even I know there are certainly ones meant for long-term use, if not all of them.
Just giving you a mental hug – I have no advice to give except that.. cookies are amazing.
Tamara recently posted…Currently, Lately.
I love your mental hug! I can feel it all the way from over here. Now pass me a cookie. 😉
I cannot believe a psychologist said that to you, but you know, all mental health professionals are not equal. Some are bad, good, or just mediocre. You do what is best for you. Mental illness is a disease, anxiety, depression, etc, and it is not to be treated as something you can just get over. So sorry you had to go through that my sister. I will pray that the Lord will help you get through these negative encounters.
Mary Collins recently posted…To The Sea: Childrenâs Book Shows God Work
Mary, you’re the best. Thank you for your prayers, which help.
I’m so grateful you wrote about this. I rail against this prevalent belief in the Christian church (not everyone…but a few clergy and even parishioners). I’m so sorry it “reduced” you. I completely understand. I’ve had similar comments said to me of my depression. I think you will find it empowering to offer feedback to that psychologist. You may make her more aware. You shouldn’t have to defend yourself. I love the transparency here, and I am thankful that you open this topic wide open. So many of us need to be encouraged here. Well done! Blessings and love! Muah!
Bonnie Lyn Smith recently posted…A Father’s Love: Defender and Servant
Yes – I’m grateful for the wisdom of the clergy who DO understand that God can also work healing through modern medicine. They do exist.
I totally empathize with you, Jennie. As someone who has been off and on meds, who has family members who have been on and stayed off, and who has been looked at like, “You?!” from several people who learn of my depression and anxiety, all I can tell you is that YOU know you. You know what works. Unfortunately, there is an issue with anti-depressants being over-prescribed, which then opens up a whole Pandora’s box as to whether or not they really do any good. Well…you and I both know that they do. And it frustrates me to no end that so many people feel compelled to share their opinion on the topic. Like…why not chime in about whether or not someone needs insulin, and for how long they will need it? Everyone is different. Some people will benefit from meds in perpetuity…some for the short term…and some not at all. But what works for you…works. And anyone who decides to judge you on that clearly doesn’t know enough about what they are talking about to have their opinion truly weigh in. So…there. 🙂
LisaAR recently posted…So Much Harder to Rise Than Fall
Me too! A lot of people meet me and they’re surprised because I seem all bright and shiny. I just happen to be a highly functioning depressed person. But yes, up until now I had no qualms about it because it works. *sigh* Thank you for your words of support.
Huge hugs Jennie! This is so frustrating for me. So sorry that your doctor reduced you. I tried unsuccessfully to wean off my anti-depressants. I will be taking them for my entire life. I need them to maintain balance and to be the best version of myself. Yes getting enough rest, eating well and exercise helps, but it does not cure me.
Jen recently posted…Why I Climb #COTD 2015
Exactly, Jen! I am even willing to give it another go, but I don’t agree with any categoric denunciation of a treatment when it’s not even one’s field of expertise!
I too am sorry this happened to you. My late sister was a psychologist and she told me some people should NEVER go off antidepressants, especially if they’ve tried and had relapses.
You might want to think about finding another psychologist.
This is not a human failing, it is a chemical imbalance.
Thank you Carol. I’ve left a message for the psychologist to call me back so that we can discuss ending our sessions.
It is wonderful that you can come here, to your site, and share your feelings so openly, knowing that your friends will not judge and that many of them can share a personal perspective on this. I have family members who suffer consistently with depression, and I have often wondered at their refusal to take medicine that could perhaps change their lives. I don’t know that it would, but if it in fact lifted them up and helped them to tackle everything with a brighter outlook, I believe that would be amazing for them. As for me, I suffer with OCD. This means my thoughts are friends but they are also plagues. It means I have to do such ludicrous things as look constantly in my rear view mirror while driving to make sure I haven’t run over somebody. (I hate bumpy roads!) It’s like a sort of mental prison cell I can’t escape from. It involves a lot of fearful repetition. I am high functioning now, but I would absolutely consider something to help me with this if it became worse.
Do what you know you must and feel no guilt.
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