A lot of titles came to mind when I thought about writing this post, most notably, “Me! Me! Me! When is it ever going to finally be about me?” That was a little long for a title though.
Yeah, this is not one of my gripping posts – it’s a griping post. This is me trying not to do the “ugly cry” using my words because, well … ça ne sert à rien. It won’t serve anybody any good to get a deep look into the recesses of my soul.
But I just feel angry. I feel hemmed in on every side – limited in our finances, in what I can eat, in what I can do, in what I can wear. Everybody wants a piece of me. The to-do list never ends, the requests are constant; even the software updates pop up without cease and I don’t see myself ever clicking anything but “not now.”
I don’t know if it’s the low iron, but I am wiped out. I can’t seem to catch up from when Sir was away. The house is “cata” (French slang for catastrophic) and I’m having all sorts of attitudes with perfectly innocent human beings who never did me any harm. And I’m not even talking about my kids.
I haven’t been able to relax at all lately. I was full-on duty while Sir was in Israel and it hasn’t stopped ever since. I haven’t even had time to clean (when do I ever have time to clean?), and Young Knight broke a glass because it was on the edge of the messy counter because he had to wash his hands in the kitchen because the workers still haven’t shown up to fix our bathroom sink. And our mouse is back.
And … and … my triglycerides, which were always a little high, have gone up over the 2’s so now I have to be super serious about limiting the sugar. I know this is a total lifestyle change that will also include less heavy cream, and I also know there are all sorts of controversies over sugar substitutes. But that said, you can’t get sugar-free stuff here the way you can in the States so I have to make everything myself. And when I run out of time and energy, I still have the bad habit of turning to more readily available and less good-for-me options.
(As an aside, I was planning to make some sugar-free teff peanut butter cookies and sugar-free cheesecake as soon as things settled down. This should effectively put an end to any interest there might have been in my “French” recipe page).
Now the good news is that I went to the doctor on Friday (after having another ultrasound) and the doctor finally agreed that it was time for the D&C. My human hormones are still not back to zero. Hm, perhaps I should say my “in the process of creating a human” hormones are still not back to zero, and the ultrasound shows the same ole open blood vessels and thickened lining in the uterine wall, so … duh.
But apparently it was not so duh as all that because when I called the hospital to set up the appointment, they told me to come to the ER because they wouldn’t accept the opinion of an outside doctor, and when I went to the ER they toyed with the idea of doing a hysteroscopy instead of a D&C because they wanted to see for themselves if there was really a problem.
They told me that I wouldn’t need to be put to sleep for a hysteroscopy but that I could listen to music to relax while they shoved a camera up where no camera should be. (Um .. nuh uh). And then at that point if there was anything to remove, we could set up a proper hospital appointment to have the procedure done.
I begged, I prayed, I talked about six weeks of bleeding, I spoke of doctors who couldn’t believe that other (idiotic) doctors were letting this thing drag on for so long. So they finally relented and said they would schedule the hysteroscopy plus an intervention. That’s what they call it here: intervention.
INTERVENTION! (you know – Finding Nemo?)
The only thing is, the doctor couldn’t promise me that the surgeons would do the first part, the hysterscopy part, while I was under general anaesthesia. I could see that in this, I just needed to surrender that what was going to happen was going to happen. At least there was an end in sight and I would finally have closure.
I was rather glad the appointment was scheduled for Wednesday. I hate Wednesdays. And since I’m griping, do you want to know about my Wednesdays? They go something like this:
9:30 drop Petit Prince off at Centre. 10:00 Young Knight begins Music. 10:30 Young Lady begins Music. 11:00 fetch Young Knight from Music while Young Lady goes directly to Dance. Go home and clean the upstairs, prepare for English lessons. 12:30 pick Young Lady up from Dance. Feed them lunch. 1:15 bring Young Knight and Young Lady to Centre. Rush home. Start English classes at 2:30. 6:00 Pick all three kids up from Centre. Feed them. Bathe them. Yell at them. Collapse.
Perhaps you can see why I would rather be hospitalized.
So I sent a text to all 15 of the parents of my students to cancel the classes. I got the prescription for the antiseptic that I would need to shower with morning and night, including my hair. (If I thought my hair was fly-away now …). Then Sir called his parents and we arranged to have the children spend the night with them so that I could be at the hospital at 7am the next morning.
It was like having a date!
So yeah … I’ve been tired and overworked but I had this “date” planned to take care of myself. I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to plan my English classes for tomorrow, that I wouldn’t have to drag my kids around to the end of time, that I wouldn’t have to catch up with cleaning our incredibly messy house just yet, that I would have an excuse to cancel all appointments, and just rest and re-charge. I was relieved that I could end the physical … if suffering is too strong a word, then physical annoyance … and that I could pick up with my life, exercise, the return of Spring and warm weather and growing things. And hope.
A couple of hours ago the hospital called to cancel for tomorrow. Something or other about the surgeon or the OR not being available.
The way things are going here, I’m sensing something bigger – a divine intervention of some sort. Something I have no choice but to surrender to because things are most decidedly not going my way and it is way too big for me to fight.
And as much as I gripe and rage, I am cognizant that in all that I am dealing with, there are worse things.
Cognizant. But still mad.
You have a lot going on! I’m so sorry. I hope that you are feeling better and stronger soon my friend.
Oh sweetie, I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I really hope that there will be no more postponements. I also send you lots of virtual hugs. I know what it is like to be stressed and feel stuck and not at all like yourself. It sucks!
The Universe really needs to give you a break 🙁
I cannot believe that anyone in the medical profession would allow bleeding this long!!!!!!!!!!
I will say prayers for your continued h ealth. May you remain under His ever watchful, loving eye.
BETTER DAYS SOON, mama!!
it’s ok to be cognizant and still mad. i hate that this has been dragging on for so long for you. totally stinks. xo
Hang in there, dear friend. Anna’s right, it’s okay to be cognizant, though still mad. You have a right to feel it all.
Goodness grief! There has to be some divine intervention going on.
I hate too, that you’re going through this but God obviously thinks you can handle it all. I would be an angry basketcase – not so cognizant as you. Praying for you.
On a different note, I’m not thinking too highly of French medical care in the moment…
love you bunches.
Oh, you poor thing. Gripe away, friend.
We used to call it a “Complain to me, baby moment” at work. Get it all out.
(Good for the soul.)
xo
HI there. I just found your blog through World Moms Blog. I really feel for you – it’s going through this without the support of your husband (SIr?) and with just as much responsibility and being frustrated by a medical system that gives you conflicted advice.
It’s funny – I also just wrote a post complaining (nothing serious just being 36 weeks pregnant in Western Kenya), and felt totally sheepish about complaining. But, hell, it felt good!
And I also get that a day at a hospital can feel like a vacation. I feel that way about long plane rides without kids – which used to feel tedious when I was childless but now feel like some kind of spa day!
I hope everything goes well and you get good care and lots of rest!
Kim
There were so many things this post made me think of, like this:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/17/magazine/mag-17Sugar-t.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all (Doctors talk to their patients about triglycerides in France? B/c I NEVER hear about them in the US!:-P)
And something someone said to me once about how a dietary change will never work if it makes you feel deprived, so you have to find substitutions that make you happy. (Maybe this recipe website: http://www.skinnytaste.com can help? It has my most favorite roasted broccoli recipe ever. And this one: http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/)
But then I thought that you probably don’t want ideas. I wouldn’t. You want me to listen. And to say, “That is all so hard! You are dealing with so much.” Because it is, and you are. You body and your heart are in so much pain right now. UGH. I think you need to be swept away for a vacation weekend 🙂 Or at least a real date night!
No – I did feel like you were a good listener and I appreciate the links. I’ve already clicked over and have gotten some ideas.
It’s okay to gripe sometimes.
I’m praying for you.
Thank you Alex.
I thought the French medical system was much better than the USA one. Guess I was wrong. I’ll be praying for you.
You! You! You! When is it ever finally going to be about you?
I think that’s a perfectly acceptable title. And emotion.
(But cognizant is perhaps more elegant and mad says it best.)
Anyway, I have mice (actually, rats). Also I yell at my kids sometimes. Even though my human hormones are at zero and I have no mitigating circumstances other than being…ummm…me. (Me! Me! Me!)
So. Be gentle with yourself.
You are not so very gripey in the grand scheme of things. Even though you’re entitled.
You are.
So while you’re surrendering, I’m sending love and wishing peace to you.
(You! You! You!)
What a lot you are dealing with. The hormone imbalance can’t be helping at all. I’m hoping once the procedure is finally, FINALLY done, you’ll get back to your chipper self. Hang in there, Jennie.
Here I was, thinking your intervention was over, and it hadn’t even started yet.
I don’t know if you realize how funny and engaging your blog posts are, even (especially) when you’re griping.
And I’m reminded how I used to zone out during church sermons.The kids made me do it!
Jennie, I so relate to everything you have said. Especially being hemmed in, being limited on finances, what I can eat, time, etc. I am living your life, but in Seattle and with no kids/husband. But its exactly like your life even with the software update pop-ups! I think that God just wanted you to have free time to yourself. I realize things start spinning out of control when I need me time. Just down and not cleaning or fixing or arranging or helping or anything. Just staring at the wall time. Hope you get that. I love you! Mari
Oh, my friend. My friend, my friend. I love you. Just remember, there are rooms in Heaven, but no wombs.
🙂
WOW. Your hormones are still a bit mixed up surely . . . that adds to it all. You are a mother . . . 24 hour on duty and love detail, you are a wife . . . who remembers what it feels like to be in love and just be the two of you. You have work, obligations, chores, health issues, financial concerns, lack of time, etc.
Take a deep breath. Exhale slowly. Repeat . . .
Say a prayer or meditate on all that is good in your life. This too shall pass. Keep a sense of humor. Be appreciative of the little things. At the end of the day, think over what was good, what made you smile, what inspires you to be better. You have a husband who loves you, children who need you and love you, a roof over your head, enough food to eat and blessings beyond what you can imagine. One day much of what now burdeons you daily will be gone and you will remember these as some of the craziest and yet best days of your life. Big hug to you.
They say that the French medical system is one of the best in the world, but I am seriously starting to doubt that! You need help, I hope it comes soon!
Warms thoughts and hugs from the northwest (US). I so, so hope you get a chance to take care of yourself and relax for a few days. If I’d have had my way- I’d have cancelled all your classes for a few weeks, hired once/week cleaning help (okay, I know… then at least a good one time cleaning just to take the stress off) and found a mother’s helper…who can drive. Your schedule is just too much for an exhausted, recovering woman… so until you get better, I pray the in-laws will come to the rescue!
Thank you for your sweet and supportive words.
Gripe away. Gripe. You should. You are deserving. Also huge hugs and continued prayers to you.
On a personal note – after my last loss I bled for almost 3 months before I had a complete meltdown and FINALLY got a D&C after changing docs. I was so damn angry by then. GAH!
Oh my goodness, so I’m not the only one who has to go through this!
Oh, I think you have every reason to gripe! And until all those hormones and bleeding cease, well, how can you feel yourself. This reminds me too well of my own, um, suffering feels the right word. It’s impossible. And that wait! Terrible. May you find an OR and surgeon soon. I remember my three trips to the ER, they were unbelievably peaceful and me-centered. Which I needed.
Read this blog with tissues ready:
http://abitmoreofme.blogspot.com/
I think you are still recovering from loss that hasn’t come to a conclusion. xox
Ooh I’m not ready right now for tissues but I will keep that blog in mind. And I think you’re right – still recovering from a loss that hasn’t been concluded.
oh wow . . . while i know that the health journeys you & i are on are very different, there are significant pieces that sound strikingly similar. like THIS one: “I feel hemmed in on every side – limited in our finances, in what I can eat, in what I can do, in what I can wear.”
YES!!!
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES!!!!
& sometimes YES!
in fact, i wrote a post the last day of 2011 with a similar white flag of surrender picture. and more recently have shared about my painful journey with food, in particular. (namely, adjusting to an crazy, unreasonably limited diet . . . nope, no soul struggles there (*snicker*).)
and you mention in closing that you’re aware that there are worse things that you could be dealing with. and yes, that’s certainly true. but what’s ALSO true is that God cares immensely about what YOU are going through. it matters to Him. treamendously. so while it’s always good to keep perspective, that doesn’t mean we need to minimize the pain of the journey. your suffering is valid, friend, & it’s IMPORTANT to Him.
blessings to you as you continue on this journey. may you sense His presence & healing touch like never before.
Thank you for sharing all of this. I just visited your blog and am amazed at the progress you’ve already made.
Oh, I just … I wish we could go out for coffee and you could tell me the whole story and how mad you are and then we could commiserate because I have a similar story and I’m mad too. I’m so sorry. I want to come over and cook dinner (although I suck) and let you go to bed and at the same time I understand from the bottom of my soul. I hope you get closure, I hope the surgery is done and done well.
And if it helps, I’ve had three hysteroscopies with only local anesthetic and they were fine. Crampy, but fine.
I wish we lived near each other.
I don’t think they’re even going to give me local anaesthetic for the hysteroscopies. eeks!
if anyone has a reason to gripe, it would be you! and as griping goes, this post is really mild. There are no cuss words! So gripe away. The interwebs are listening with soft shoulders and LOT of kleenex.
Thank you for your sweetness.