I am just going through the motions. My husband – who left for New York – was worried to leave me because I can barely function. I can function (get up, shower, walk the dog, feed the kids). But I can’t do it with any glimmer of joy or hope on the horizon. And my face looks like a thundercloud to my kids.
For once, it doesn’t feel like something for which I need to find a solution. It feels like God has backed me into a corner to squeeze something out of me – to force me to face some truth of which I am unaware. And I don’t really want advice. I don’t want to know anymore whether we should keep the dog and pay for more training with money we don’t have, give him to the SPA or euthanise him (apparently this is the standard practice for biters in the UK?). Sometimes too much conflicting advice is heavier than none at all.
I don’t want to know the thing I need to do in order to lose weight and get in shape. I just want it to magically happen because years and years of trying this thing or that always results in failure because I haven’t gotten to the root of the hollowness I am trying to fill with food.
I don’t want to plan for how to get out of our financial pressures by tightening this belt or cutting that corner. Every time I see a solution – a road paved out for us – an expensive rug to sell, a refinancing, added hours teaching – something else breaks and needs repair. Our pockets are lined with holes and our sandals are worn out.
I don’t want you to rip the coveted idol out of my hands of literary success – that my words mean something, that I am successful and set above the ordinary. I want to be side-by-side, arm-in-arm with my brothers and sisters, but I want to be someone special. And if I unclench the fingers that grasp this idol, as if it can offer me breath itself, I’m afraid I’ll just be nobody.
The little things – getting out of bed early with the sunrise, a steaming cup of coffee, a calming meditation, a brisk walk as the sun highlights golden leaves in relief against a purple sky – the joy in these things goes no further than the whispered words. My senses are untouched.
You couldn’t be more surprised than I am by the fact that my miscarriage three years ago seems to have sucked all the joy out of autumn. No longer is this turn of season about my birthday, my husband’s birthday, my son’s, our wedding anniversary, a change, a stepping stone, a new beginning.
No. The first whiff of cold air in my nostrils brings spectral nausea of a pregnancy long past. And the countdown to Christmas with its white lights and pine scent and frosted cookies and spiced apples is really a countdown to the day after Christmas – the day when something I hoped for ended.
And it seems like it’s the beginning of a season of endings, and that all hope is lost for new beginnings.
I’m depressed – even on medication, I am depressed. And I don’t want advice.
I want relief.
Praying for you this morning. For grace and peace. For relief. For joy to touch your heart in a special way.
Thank you Tracie. It’s so good and healing to have your support.
I’m sorry for it all. Wish I could help in some tangible way, rather than offer platitudes. Like, come over and sit with you for a cup of coffee, and just talk. Give you a hug and remind you that you are amazing.
Hang on in there. Love you. xoxo
Alison recently posted…Through The Lens Thursday #43: Sweet
I’ve had my head in the sand these past two weeks, but I hope you know how much I love you.
I’m so sorry. =( I know it’s tough. We’ll get through. He is good.
Grace Sandra recently posted…I Am Not Okay
Hi lovely Grace (whose name fits her perfectly). Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me, and for caring.
I have no words of wisdom for you but my arm is stretched and my hand is wide open for you to grab. I’m not in a great place but I always will be here with you in this dank place where you will make us cookies and I will pretend to make cookies but it will just be you making cookies because you’re probably way better at making cookies. I’ll just bring wine. That’s a close second. xoxo
Kimberly recently posted…Slipping Through My Hands
Let me just say that I’m so glad you’re my friend. Funny and as crazy as I am – what more could I ask for? 🙂
I hope you find relief soon. Sending hugs from far away.
Stephanie (Travelcraft Journal) recently posted…Last-minute costume idea: Make a mask!
I’m late in replying, Stephanie, but thank you. Your comment really helped.
Sending hugs and a prayer. I understand…our daughter would be 38 this year. You are not alone. God bless you and your family.
It doesn’t really get any less easier, does it? Thank you for your comment and your support.
I completely get this. My worst, longest bout of depression began in the month of September after a relative’s suicide. I too have three kids who depended on me. I secretly hate autumn, knowing the dark days of winter are coming (apparently, this is not that uncommon). I HATED it when my therapist and friends advised to find a hobby, take a walk, listen to music, it will all get better. That doesn’t help. I truly feel for you.
Hi Joan, I really treasured your comment when I was going through this dark time – thank you. I hope the autumn season is looking up for you too. Sending you big hugs.
I love your honesty, it’s refreshing. I’m sorry that you’re struggling, and I understand how you feel, or at least as much as I can from the picture your words paint. I too have been in a place like this, and sometimes return for a season or two. I don’t have any advice to offer only compassion, and an ear to lend. If you ever need to talk I’m here, and you have my email address. I’m glad you stopped by my blog because it brought me here, and I like it here. Thinking of you, and praying for you today. For peace and wisdom. Love, your sister in Christ and newest reader. <3
Shasta Walton recently posted…Poking Holes In The Gospel, That’s Why!
Hi Shasta, I haven’t been able to breathe properly ’til now, but thank you for visiting and lending your support. ((hugs))
Wishing you that relief, and peace.
In the US too, they euthanize dogs but it varies by state. It’s a hard decision always, made harder by the authorities here.
Autumn is when I had my two pregnancies, and I still get that spectral nausea, I swear.
Tamara recently posted…Raindrops on Roses.
We have good news about the dog! I’m about to post the news. Mwah!!!
Love you, friend. Not much to say but that. I hope you know it and I hope things can start to turn for the better.
Thanks for your support, always.
Love you, my friend. If there’s ever anything I can do, you know where to find me.
I’m so grateful to have you, Greta.
I love you Jennie, you are so special to me… I wish I could hold your hand right now… I am here with you in spirit as “if one part suffers, every part suffers with it. If one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” You are in my prayers my amazing, beautiful sister.
Merci! Ca a marché! I’ll give a blog update later on.
Jennie, my friend. I’m so sorry. I wish for relief for you, with everything I’ve got. I’m on your team! xoxox
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted…Get the Behavior you Want… A Review
You are definitely someone I want on my team!
It’s work, friend. I’m not here to give advice, only to say that I know and that I’m sorry. (please know you are not alone. xoxoxo)
alexandra recently posted…Halloween Manual
I love that you said “it’s work.” So much truth in that, but the effort is not without its fruits.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’m right there with you. On medication, depressed, financial hole, unfulfilled, etc. You aren’t alone.
Natalie recently posted…Do Not Pass “Go”
Natalie, how are things now? E-mail me if you want to talk. I’m here (and doing better, so don’t think you will sink me).
i love you SO much.
and you are SO brave.
thank you for sharing your heart, even through this darkness.
you are never alone. NEVER.
you are a phenomenal woman, writer, friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and so much more.
xoxo
erin margolin recently posted…Happy Tenth Anniversary, Postpartum Progress!
Thank you Erin. In the midst of your difficulty, you find time to reach out to me. ((hugs))
Jennie, I don’t have you tell you that you are good and that you are worthy. You KNOW that deep in your soul. You are good. You are important. You are needed by so many people, and that, in itself, is difficult and weighs so much.
Keep your eye on the light at the end of this tunnel. It is going to get closer, and you will burst back out of this cloud again, I know.
Love you.
Kristin Shaw recently posted…Friday Favorites: October 10
I love your words. They perfectly express the hope I’ve been clinging to.
I know it feels like there is no way out, but there is. You have to just keep walking to get there. Sending you love and prayers for relief.
Jennifer recently posted…31 Days of Pie – Toffee Pie Recipe
I know you are no stranger to this, and your affection has really helped me.
Oh Jennie, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Please know you are not alone. Sending love and so much understanding and hugs.
Angela Youngblood recently posted…Dancing
Hey my dancing fool. Just wanted to tell you I love you.
Hey Love, not here to “fix” but just to say that I love you very much, and I do understand how a season can drag you into a pit.
anna whiston-donaldson recently posted…Itching to Talk to You
Yes. You know. xo
Jennie, you don’t really know me but I am Paige’s mom. The campus student you housed and gave great advice to this past summer. I too am facing the Fall with memories of losing a child. After 32 years, I have learned time does heal the pain and the joy of Fall returns but the memory of your precious child will always be with you. As Oct 28 approaches (Sarah’s birthday) my emotions run high but I’m so grateful to know i have a treasure in heaven waiting for me. Wish I could truely express how very thankful I am for ALL you did for Paige. She loves you and your sweet family. My thoughts and prayers will be with you as go through this hard time.
Judi, I’m so late in replying – just now getting my head above water. I treasured your comment, and I absolutely love your daughter. Thank you for reading, and for reaching out to me. 🙂
Oh, Jennie… I just want to drive over (I can be there in three hours) and hug you tight.
Thinking of you!
Xxx
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted…Blast from the past: Belgian Speculoos
We have to meet one of these days. Potluck too, because as much as I want to cook for you, I want to taste your good food!
Praying for you to find relief and joy. You are not alone. I hope it is a good thing to know you are cared about all around the world. Peace and love to you.
LisaAR recently posted…Standing at a Crossroads
Hi Lisa – I so appreciated the support, love and prayers!
I will pray for you too. I think that you are such a special and great person. I hope that you can somehow feel God’s comfort at this time.
Anna, I’ve already responded to your more recent comment, so you know how much your support means to me. 🙂
Wishing you relief, release, and peace. Thank you for sharing. Your raw, honest writing is a blessing for so many. Love from Texas.
Hi Steph, I’m so late in replying, but I wanted you to know how much your comment meant to me. ((hugs))
I have no advice. Only hope. Feel better soon.
Korinthia Klein recently posted…Halloween Costumes 2014!
I am doing much better. Will give a blog recap later today. Mwah!
I love you friend and we all are here for you. Love you so much and I hate that you have to go through this. But know that you are not alone. xo
tracy recently posted…On Getting The Behavior You Want…
I really felt the support – thank you for being part of it. xo
You’re not alone in this, it will pass, and we can ride it out together. My shoulder is always available for you to cry on like yours for me.
XoXo.
Bisous Amina. It’s a late reply, and we’ve already caught up anyway.
What about love? So much love to you. I get it. You’ll never, ever be nobody to me and so many other people.
anymommy recently posted…Truth or dare
Yes, love, I can use. I wish we could hang out IRL.
I wish I could help my friend. I’m so sorry you are going through this – words that I really mean.
Fingers crossed that things get better for you soon.
Ameena recently posted…multi-purpose sleeves
I know Ameena. You have a heart of gold, as much as you try to hide it. 😉