A Lady In France

Forty-Five Is When I Love Myself

Today I turn forty-five, and I am beautiful.

bday1I put on my black dress pants with that forgiving 6% lycra blend, my black boots, and my green silk scarf. I spritz on perfume from an old (but still heavenly-scented) bottle of Clinique Happy, since the burglars made off with the more recent, expensive bouquets. I am free to go into Paris for lunch with my husband because my two students miraculously both canceled. We head in the direction of the Champs Elysées.

We stop at the FNAC store and I discover a DVD series on sale that has all the A&E Jane Austen movies in one set for only 35€. Of course, I’ve already seen Pride and Prejudice a number of times, as well as Mansfield Park. But there are four other movies to discover, and my mother-in-law has just given me a moderate sum to spend as I please.

I took this with my old phone indoors - not a recipe for a successful (non-blurry) photo.

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I am so pleased.

We get an early reservation at an intimate brasserie that is known for its french fries “à tombé par terre” – to fall to the ground for – and for its roast spring chicken.

bday21I start with a green salad, and finish with a café gourmand (an espresso with mini crème brulée and a homemade applesauce that is served in the tiniest mason jar you’ve ever seen). I cannot finish my french fries, as delicious as they are.

bday22On our way home, we make a pit-stop at la Maison du Chocolat for a very small box of decadent chocolates that will not be eaten in one sitting.

bday23

And they give us both a free sample of raspberry-filled chocolate.

I am forty-five, and I am far from being at my ideal weight. But I am soft when you hug me, and my smile reaches my eyes.

My hair is thinner than it once was, but I am still growing it out a little so I can pull it up off my shoulders. And I will wear the tiny pendant earrings, the colour of my eyes, that my husband gave me and which swing playfully next to my cheeks.

The too-tight wedding rings that have been sitting in my jewellery box for fourteen years – tucked inside the folds where the slapdash robbers did not find them – are now at the jeweller being sized up so that I can finally wear them once more.

Will I punish myself forever for not being able to return to my wedding weight? No. Size those babies up and make me an honest woman again. 😉

My wrinkles become more pronounced, rather than disappear. My chin begins to sag a bit – and my belly too. This body has been inefficient at burning calories for a long time; but it brought three souls into the world, and still serves me for brisk walks along the Seine in the autumn leaves.

The wrinkles are also years of wisdom, and they are laugh lines, and my body is a soft landing place for all the hugs that come my way. I don’t want to be twenty again with my whole uncertain life before me, and all the doubts large before my eyes. I don’t want to be another woman, who stops traffic with her beauty but wonders if her husband loves her for anything deeper than that.

How can my life, as is, be anything but beautiful?

bday31

My birthday welcome today. Do they notice I have not yet showered? They do not.

Today I turn forty-five, and I don’t wish to go back in time. I love the Jennie that is right here. The one that is as is.

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Comments

  2. Sherri says

    Oh, Jennie, this is fabulous… perfect, actually. Because why don’t we live in the now more often? Now is where it’s at, and to enjoy your days, your rings, your Happy perfume is what life’s all about. Happy Birthday… and many more. xo
    Sherri recently posted…Flashback on Aisle 4My Profile

    • ladyjennie says

      Thank you! Thank you! I have to remember it too because already the sentiment is slipping just a little bit now that the mundane has settled back into place. O_o

  4. Elaine A. says

    Oh Jennie, this post made me cry. It is so beautiful, as are you, inside and out. I love that you posted this reflection on your birthday.
    I’m glad you were able to spend it with your hubby and enjoy it so much. Love and best wishes on your birthday.

    And that photo with your kids – priceless!
    Elaine A. recently posted…15 Years and 2 WeeksMy Profile

  14. Anna says

    I agree with the other comments – this is a lovely post! Cheering to the heart! It’s great you had a special day! Also, Jane Austen to watch – yay! I love ‘Persuasion’.

      • Anna says

        Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry, I meant to post this reply sooner. I really like the book, too! Isn’t it wonderful?! I like the filmed version that was shown on the front of your set of DVDs – I think the cast are really good. Wasn’t too sure about how they changed it a bit right at the end though. Hope you enjoy watching it/have enjoyed it!

  17. Alexandra says

    Happy (belated) birthday! I loved this post, both the way it is written and its message. I’ve been a reader for awhile and started following your blog because I believe you are a kindred spirit 🙂 Thank you for sharing your stories!

    • ladyjennie says

      Well anyone who would use the phrase “kindred spirit” is most definitely one of mine! 😉

      Thank you for being here and for leaving a comment, Alexandra.

  22. Melanie Pickett says

    This is a lovely glimpse into your life and France. Instead of grumbling over my soft middle, I will know proclaim that “soft landing place” for my children to hug and find comfort. I can’t wait to visit France. Maybe I’ll run into you there. 🙂
    Melanie Pickett recently posted…Shangri-La on MondayMy Profile

  24. Sunny says

    Love this! I turned 50 this summer and felt much the same. Actually took a trip to your Paris the same month. Ps: my daughter and i found that same DVD set and have watched the first two. Its different versions from the BBC or the Hollywood versions ive seen before and fun for a change 🙂

    • ladyjennie says

      Hi Sunny! So you were in my city, huh? It seems we share much in common – a love for the “fuller” season in life, for France, and for Jane Austen. 🙂

      • Sunny says

        Yes, my ten year old daughter and i were there in june, visiting from Alaska. You and I communicated at the time, cant recall the subject. We had a lovely time wondering, shopping, eating etc. :-). Went to Normandy area too. Missed versailles due to train strike (ive been there, and turns out my girls hates castles so it was ok! lol).

  25. Heather Hultgren says

    Bravo! I am right here with you, in spirit, and I too would not go back to being 20 again. There is a new beauty that comes with experience, growth, and love. And it is a grand treasure. As are you. Both a beauty and a treasure. Happy Birthday!

  27. julie gardner says

    The weeks slip by without my reading any blog posts and then I come here, see this and smile:

    “I don’t want to be another woman, who stops traffic with her beauty but wonders if her husband loves her for anything deeper than that.”

    This is perfect.
    You are the perfect Jennie.

    You are loved.
    julie gardner recently posted…Inside OutMy Profile

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