I think I’m having an identity crisis. I think that’s what this is. When I was writing and publishing my memoir, I was in my sweet spot. I knew that I was doing exactly what I was meant to be doing. I knew that even if I didn’t sell a single copy (okay I was hoping to sell at least one copy . . . or 5000) I would die knowing that I accomplished this one thing.
But now I’m just confused. The easy access to publishing (anyone can do it) and the 70% royalties instead of 10% suddenly seems less desirable when it hits home that all the marketing falls on me. Every single public reading, every virtual book tour, every giveaway, paid promotion, tweet, Facebook share – everything falls on me.
“Please read my book! “sounds so cute and natural when it first comes out. “Please read my book!” sounds just a little pathetic two years later. (At least it does 4 months later so I’m only guessing).
Right now I’m working on an upcoming year-long book tour with Orangeberry, but I have to provide the material. I have to answer 200 questions (or as many as I can) and I have to write the guest posts. So I’ve been working on that in a dogged, but lacklustre way.
Dogged.
This dog. Hunter.
Who doesn’t stay still for a single second.
Does it surprise you that he gets banned to the outside or in his “room?”
When everything from paper to leather shoes is fair game?
Except now the gate on his room broke and Matthieu is away. Fortunately Hunter hasn’t figured that out yet.
I’m unsure if I can be a dog owner. Our trainer is unsure about him too, and has been from the very first time he saw him as a puppy. “That is one obstinate, dominant dog,” he had said. And you can’t even believe it when he lays his head on your lap and looks up at you with his expressive amber eyes.
He’s playing you.
But he’s gone back on his training lately. Three times he managed to get out of the yard (our fault for not tying him before we opened the door) and run all the way to the nearby school, refusing to heel when we called him. Once he returned with that live bird in his mouth – I mentioned that already, didn’t I? And then the other day he bit two of my kids, one after the other. And after we scolded him hard, he humped them both for good measure.
He’s been neutered, and at a year and a half, there is not much time left to make him understand that he is the least of the pack, not the leader. Given that he has been taunting me lately – he comes when I call, he circles behind me, and then just when he’s supposed to sit and let me put the leash on, he takes off running again – I’m not sure he will learn it.
I have been putting feelers out there – does any strong and loving dog owner who loves to exercise and lives in the country want him? Can I bear to give him up for even such an ideal situation? I’m not sure. And yet, I’m not sure if I can be a dog owner either.
I’m unsure if I should be writing about faith. Maybe I’m too dogmatic. Maybe I choose the wrong topics – talking about the things we need to do and change rather than simply talking about God’s love. I like talking about the Bible, you see, and I like talking about all those complicated issues that require diving deep into the scriptures. But I don’t want to have a blog that is written just for Christians, and those are the ones who would potentially be interested in these kinds of posts.
Maybe I’m falling through the cracks. Maybe I’m writing the wrong subject matter for the wrong audience. So where does that leave me? Do I target a different audience, or do I give it up altogether? I don’t know. I really don’t know.
My husband has been away so much. In the last 5 weeks, he was gone 3 1/2. It’s been hard on him, and it has been hard on us. In that time, the dishwasher broke, got fixed, and broke again. The front door won’t close because the doorjamb (just learned this word) has come undone. The aforementioned gate for the dog’s room came out of the wall just before my English class was starting. The back door stopped closing (though my husband fixed that in between trips). Our piano is so horribly out of tune, a low chord gets stuck and resonates when my daughter plays, causing me to want to jump out the window. And my Internet stopped working consistently, which might actually be a sign.
I am torn between feeling pressure to be this ideal housewife and mom that I envision, and wanting to be a successful writer so I can pay someone else to do that (not the mom part, but at least the housewife part). At the moment I have two book ideas. One is for a romance novel that takes place here in France. It has a great premise, but I can’t conjure up a plot. In fact, I can never think of a plot, which doesn’t bode well for my being a fiction writer. The other is a Bible study guide, for which it will be easy to get the first draft off and interesting for me to write, but will probably be one that no one will want to buy. Too geeky.
Do I give up writing and try to deal with my crumbling house and garden, with its undecorated rooms, peeling paint and empty flower beds, my dispersed and distracted children, my hopeless dog, my weight (currently at the wrong end of the spectrum), and my marriage – with its two participating whirling dervishes ne’er to meet? I just don’t know.
Because I’m having an identity crisis, you see.
* * * *
My post called “As Though You Already Are” is appearing today at the Devotional Diva website, and it’s kind of ironic because it sort of fits with my topic for today, but is presented as if I actually had some answers. If you’re interested in spiritual writing, don’t forget to follow Renée on twitter and Facebook!
First of all, your honesty about the post-publishing piece of the puzzle is refreshingly honest. It’s hard to hustle your own work. If it means anything, it seems to me that writers at publishing houses have to do the same thing unless they hire their own PR people. So there’s that.
We have a lot in common with the identity crisis (minus the French and minus the Christian part). I nodded and smiled at the plot problem. I have many half-started novels with good premises that go NOWHERE. They suffer from what I’ve called the “so what?” problem. It usually strikes at the 25,000 word mark. What’s missing is a compelling plot that takes me from the premise to SOMETHING that would make a person keep turning pages. I also understand exactly what you’re saying re: your audience. I’m reading between the lines here to assume that you would enjoy delving deeper into Biblical questions and analysis but hear alienating some of your readers. That is possible. But wouldn’t you also gain new readers who share your passion? There is a such a great Christian niche in blogging. Maybe you consider divining in head first there and see what happens. I know that’s scary because you’re part of a certain blogging community and you don’t want to give that up. But you could end up in just as dynamic of one.
I also worry when I post my “Jewish stuff” that it’s not interesting to all of my readers. Truth is, I love those posts. You cannot please everyone.
I don’t think this comment was very helpful. It’s just a long of saying, I hear you. And I get it. There are no easy answers. You also just might be suffering from some promotional fatigue and a big blog change isn’t necessary. Lots to think about!
Nina recently posted…New Friends vs Old Friends
I love reading your Jewish stuff for what it’s worth. 🙂 So you get stuck on plot too, huh? Yes! The “so what” factor. grrr. There’s nothing wrong with non-fiction writers, but it also means I need to come up with other things than my life story. Anyway, I won’t think about that now, but it’s comforting to find soul sisters who are wrestling with the same things in life.
Oh my, Jennie. This sounds like a hard, confusing time. So much of what you are pondering, I ponder too. With the exception, of course, of an 8 yr old lab who, fortunately, has never brought a not long for this world bird home to me in her mouth. Yes, she climbs on the kitchen table while I’m out of the house, which is a gross thing, but no humping…
This writing thing can breed a real identity crisis for sure. And I am finding that even in traditional publishing, the impetus will be on me to do the promoting, something far down on my list of abilities and skills and desires. Know that I love you, and your writing, and I’ll be here regardless of which direction your writing goes.
anna whiston-donaldson recently posted…All things Vintage and a Fabulous Novel Giveaway
Thank you Anna. I’m happy to be on this parallel journey with you.
You accomplished something huge in publishing your book! I can’t imagine how overwhelming all of the marketing stuff is. I’d like to just wave my hand and say “let it be done!” By someone else, of course.
You have a lot on your plate, especially with your husband being gone a lot. Maybe it’s time to prioritize and see what MUST be done, and do that. Then move on down the list. I don’t know. When I have a lot going on, I tend to shut down and do NOTHING.
Leigh Ann recently posted…the single best thing we’ve done for our marriage (lately)
Yes! Shut down and do nothing! I have had a good number of days like that. I hope to be moving out of that stage. Ugh. I need to exercise. That needs to be a priority right now. (I know you can relate to that bit).
I left a comment on this elsewhere, but wanted to comment again!
I know this time is hard for you. I don’t have exactly the same crises you are experiencing, but I know what it’s like to have a lot to do and not know how to deal with all of it. The important things will rise to the top of your priority list, and in time you will know what to do with each of them down the line. Your faith will see to that.
Andrea recently posted…Getting Ahead
I found your other comment! That was so cool – I didn’t even know you could comment on goodreads like that. (I also saw 2 stars for P&P? Girl! We need to talk!) 😉
Anyway, I think you’re right. The important things will rise to the top of the list and I will figure it out. It’s strange to be in such a limbo, but I’ll be grateful for the clarity when I come out of it.
Sorry to hear about your troubles – you’ve made great progress in your career as a writer. Why not take a few to breath and take a step back? Sometimes that helps put things in perspective. When there’s a lot on our plate and we try to play balancing act, nothing gets done right or at all – The pressure of it all makes us want to drop all the plates, so why not just set one down for a minute? Hope you get in the swing of things and find the answers you seek. Happy Friday Jennie! -Iva
AwesomelyOZ recently posted…What It Feels Like
That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your solid advice. 🙂
I am so scared to publish a book because I don’t know if I’m made of the stuff to go through it – and I’ve always wanted to have a book. And I do, actually, but it’s self-published with 29 other writers!
Anyway, I am still not entirely sure I’m cut out to be a dog owner. I love this new girl we have and she is very submissive, but our last dog was like yours, from the sound of it. She was dominant from day one. I’m not sure I ever won that battle too! (and yes, she bit – a few times)
Tamara recently posted…The Triple Threat.
Tamara, I never thought I could finish a whole book too, but it’s highly possible that one day it will come to you and you will spill it out and it will be perfect. There’s always a photography book (though I don’t think that’s what you meant) because you’ve got that talent goin on too.
oh jennie. is it any wonder you’re feeling this way? identity up in the air? you’ve just done a huge thing! A huge life-goal attained. There’s bound to be some let-down. Some post-big-thing slide back into normalcy. And speaking of normalcy, while hard to define, what you described sounds so much like my own version of normal these days. Big ol’ hugs. This is just a little blip.
sarah reinhart recently posted…sitting pretty at 33 weeks. just checking in really.
Sarah, I can picture it all – number five in your arms, kids sliding down the fire pole in time for dinner. One day your normal will be normal too. In the meantime, it’s nice to have commiseration. 😉
What an honest post. Thank you so much for writing it. You have lovely readers so I’m sure the comments they’ve left already are great, but I only have a moment to leave my two cents before I have to get back to work so I don’t have time to peruse them myself.
First, just write what you want to write. Don’t worry about an audience, just write. You are a wonderful writer and I have a feeling once you settle on a new project and have some direction you will feel a lot more grounded in everything. That nebulous phase between creative projects is a messy uncertain time, and it will pass when you find focus.
Having self-published my first novel almost a year ago I understand exactly what you’re saying about that pitiful “Look at me!!!” feeling as you try to self-promote. It’s not fun, but you are not alone, and you’re doing better at that than I am (and probably most people). You have a lot to be proud of.
The dog…. We, too, struggle with our weird little rescue dog. When he bit my daughter and then my brothers I considered giving him up, but I think the kids would never forgive me. He’s improved a lot recently. Part of it has been just us learning what not to do with him, and part of it is he’s calming down. He was really good during the last round of visitors. Anyway, go find the recent story on This American Life about Ira Glass’s dog Piney. After hearing about Piney I feel like we have a great dog, and I feel like a much more competent and lucky dog owner.
All of us struggle with the mom and home stuff. Just cut yourself the same slack you would cut anyone else and it will feel better.
And I find your take on the Bible interesting. What you have to say is always insightful and refreshing. And I’m an atheist! So don’t doubt yourself there. Just like with the writing in general, stick to what moves you and how can you regret that?
Korinthia recently posted…That’s My Girl!
Korinthia, this was a helpful and healing comment. Thank you! I think you were spot on regarding that nebulous phase in between creative projects (and you should know!). And it’s also comforting to know that the faith posts can be of interest even to an atheist – to have the freedom to write what I want to. It’s liberating. 🙂
I will check out the dog story you mentioned.
I agree with whoever said above that it seems natural to feel a little what-now-ish after reaching such a big milestone with your book. And I love all your posts, but I don’t always know what I want to say about the faith ones, or feel qualified to have an opinion even.
anymommy recently posted…But my heart, Anita
Hi lovely friend. I just wanted to give you a big, virtual hug! 🙂
I think sometimes after you do something so huge, it’s natural to feel this way. Perhaps you just need a little breather…some time to think everything through more clearly. It sounds like things are a little crazy for you right now and that makes everything harder. I’m sure you will work through it all.
Michelle @ A Dish of Daily Life recently posted…There’s a Spring in my Step: Friday Faves and Ladies Only Blog Share #LOBS
Thank you Michelle, and I think you’re right. I wish I knew what to do in my “breather” time because everything feels overwhelming right now. But I’m also sure I’ll get to the other side eventually.
You are such a good friend. There, that’s my comment because I can’t give a better reply than that. 😀
Jennie, I say this from a place of love. And understanding. I have been on the side you are on with your dog….I had 2 small boys when my german shepherds were middle aged and elderly. It was always a pull apart in my brain. I could never feel as if I were giving my “best” to my dogs or my sons…I made the very conscious decision to not get more dogs when my 2 passed away. At least for 5 years…it’s been 16 years now. I do have a cat that I adopted when my neighbor moved away, and he is now almost 20 yrs old. All this to say that if you can find another family, with more land, less obligations in the kid rearing areas. The breed that your dog is has very specific needs for running, and they usually always do “wander”. It is simply a breed specific thing, and you sound as if you have done your best! It would be a very generous hearted thing to do to realize that you can give your dog a better home, and a very large lesson to impart to your children. Sure, they will miss him, but who does the work? You. You have to be able to cut some dead wood from your hectic life, and this is a way to do just that. It will free up places in your mind that angst over what sound like consistent issues with Hunter….you are human after all. It is always for us to try and solve things like this, and when you cannot, well, you cannot. People who adopt dogs without doing the due diligent work of really recognizing what that certain breed requires, honestly do not have my sympathy. Sometimes they can make the life work, but most of the time, from my place observing, they just cannot. I urge you to make the time to find Hunter another home, and make sure it is in a home that can accommodate what this breed really needs. You will find peace if you can do this! I promise!
Thanks for your advice, Julie. We did research the breed, but all the sites said they were a great family dog – loyal, affectionate, great with kids. The downside was the energy level, but we thought with the house and the kids to play fetch, etc we could overcome that.
We put him up for adoption, but few people want this breed. Now we’re making peace with him and the situation and finding ways to make it work if the adoption doesn’t pan out.
Oh love – I love your transparency here and your ability to share with us – the hard and the easy. I love that about you, and your beautiful way to put the hard at us. Just know it will all make sense at one time. I know it will. Because you’re amazing and good. I’m not a dog person – but I’m thinking about you because I know the love and attachment I have for my kitties and big decisions are never easy. xoxo
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted…There’s Nothing Like A Wedding
Thank you, sweet friend.
~~~Jennie,
balance in life is the HARDEST thing.
Pray for guidance. At least, that’s what I do…because I know damn sure I cannot do it alone.
I pray like this— “PLEASE HELP me JESUS. Please show me the way!!!!!!!!!”
PS. don’t lose confidence in your book. Your words will be heard. xx
My Inner Chick recently posted…The Sun Shines Differently Without You
You’re right. Every time I think I can do it alone, I’m shown very clearly that I cannot. (cross-eyed)
Oh I never thought about all of those little details that go into pushing a book. Whoa.
I think that you need to write for you and those that are “like minded” will be the ones to read and connect. When you start writing for an audience, that is where you lose yourself and your authenticity as a writer.
Your book is fabulous…dogs suck…take it from me…
xoox
Kimberly recently posted…Pink Jogging Pants
Thank you Kimberly. Your last line says it all and was just what I needed to hear. 🙂
Please keep writing.
About anything.
I will read it. People will read.
You are one of the most BEAUTIFUL writers I’ve encountered.
In every way.
And honesty is one of your most lovely attributes.
So please. Keep writing. Whatever your heart tells you to.
The rest will come…
julie gardner recently posted…Double Dare
Julie, you are truly such a good friend.
I’m so sorry you are struggling so much right now. My husband wrote a book a few years ago and I wish he’d been in a position to market it better. I know (thru observation at least) first hand how difficult the writing process is. Hang in there!
Robbie recently posted…Ten Things Thankful
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Robbie. Ugh. The book marketing world is brutal, and at times, unpredictable. And who knows – your husband’s book could resurface.
I think we get into trouble when we start thinking about a target audience at the expense of what essentially drives us creatively (and, yes, I know, I am by no means successful). Write what you feel compelled to write, Jennie. Nothing else will ring so true. Your faith posts are excellent and thought-provoking. Of course there will be people, like myself, who disagree at times, but that will likely spur them to dive deeper into the scripture we both love – if they’re serious about their faith. We just need to remember that no single one of us has a monopoly on understanding, and that’s all the more reason to share. (Of course, that can be sometimes be frustrating, because I feel as if I am being pummeled with differing interpretations the more I study.)
Sadly, we have also had difficulty training our dog, a rescue Yorkshire terrier. When we first got him, I wondered why on earth we brought a dog into our busy lives – and right after our sleep was finally improving some! Still, we love the little bugger.
Hillary recently posted…Selfish
You’re right about the target audience and focusing more on creativity. I’m taking that to heart.
I have never published a book, though, I can relate to this. I think, for me, writing is inflating. It feels good and the thought of an ending, something being published somewhere or feelings being realized, feels even better. The promotion bit kind of deflates things for me. I do it because I am told I should. And I tend to dread it the entire time. I should add here that in recent months, I have been dreading it less because I have kind of realized what promotion really means. Promotion means, I am learning, that I believe in my work enough to share, share, share it with the world. This is hard for me. Or it’s hard to get to that level of confidence with anything I do. But I am slowly getting there. I also must remind myself of this truth when dealing with published pieces: Your publishers believe in you. Your fans/friends/family believe in you. So, you can do it! I don’t know if this can help or encourage you, but I hope it does. Hugs. 🙂
Jessica recently posted…Letting Things Go
Hey Jennie,
The romance novel sounds pretty cool and I know what it’s like to get stuck around the 25,000 word mark and go through the ‘I have no plot!’ doldrums!
I’m thinking of writing a series on this for my blog but from what I’ve learned from reading and courses like Robert McKee’s Story it’s that building up the plot brick by brick as an outline can be a liberating way to open the floodgates to draft number 1!
If you’d like to talk we should do that by phone (if your phone works?) or get together for a coffee soon. Hugs about all the rest of your post. You are in a state of overload. I think the dog is the biggest thing that’s causing you a lot of stress and I hope you can find a solution for him soon.
Lizzie x
I have three little annoying words for you, but exactly what I need to hear when I’m in this place: Trust your path.
And also: You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.
Just call me platitude lady.