I wish you could have seen the Seine this morning but I didn’t have my bulky camera with me when I went walking. It looked just like this if you color it winter.
It is so grey today, but that only accentuated the beauty of the river and the weeping willows lining the bank.
The view to the right is of stone houses set on a hill – almost an entire stone village, created in a different time. The path at my feet is light brown sand with white snow on it, and even the grass to the side manages to take on a grey hue in this dismal weather.
The river is almost black but there are spots of white in stark contrast where swans glide further out, bobbing for food. A duck waddles by on the bank with a green incandescent neck, following his more subdued brown mate diligently.
As I head back home a mist starts to fall that hasn’t yet decided whether it’s snow or rain. It completes a picture so grey and dreary that my mood can only look bright next to it.
I started to perk up yesterday when we had some friends over for a meal and a Bible study. In this case, I was teaching because someone wanted to learn the basics. I realized I’m good at that. I perked up even more when my husband finally started to hang the family pictures on our white blank stairwell (you all saw the pictures in the last post and how desperately that wall needed something). It’s about time, but I couldn’t do it myself. I realized I’m not good at that.
That helped clarify something for me – I like the freedom of being a stay-at-home mom, but the things that seem to define a stay-at-home mom: decorating, cleaning, arts and crafts, cooking … well I’m not good at (or don’t enjoy all that much) any of them except cooking.
Sure I can hug, I can listen, I can make sure my children are warm and well-fed and do the occasional English lesson to make sure they don’t fall too far behind, even drum up the very occasional craft. (And yes, I love them very deeply).
But it’s hard to be satisfied with an existence in which you enjoy so few of the things that define it.
I teach English because I can and because it’s needed, but I’m usually more relieved when the class is over than I am fulfilled while teaching it. Writing is something I truly enjoy, but I knock my head against the wall time and again trying to weave a plot. It’s absolutely hopeless! I can only write snippets, brief scenes from life – mine or someone else who inspires me.
All of these revelations brought clarity, but where do I turn now? This question is nothing new in the universe, but I’m curious about you. Are you doing what you love or working towards it? Or are you just moseying along, hoping you’ll stumble on it?
And, like me, trying not to think about how sad that is?
“Brief Scenes From Life” sounds like a great title for your snippets. Who doesn’t like snippets? I personally love them!
I will be going back to look at that staircase of yours in need of photos. Really looking forward to following you!
Hey thanks for visiting! 🙂
I struggle with glum feelings about my value as a stay at home mom for the same reason as you. I am NOT good at the parts that seem to define the role. I am working really hard at being okay with that and working with what I am good at. I am also working on doing some things that I enjoy that are not related to my motherhood. Because eventually the children move away and then what do you do if you haven’t cultivated your happiness outside of what makes you happy as a mother!!
That’s just it – we need to find the things for US. (but what?) I often wish I had been born with a clear cut passion, like being a surgeon or something! But nope. Jack of all trades here.
Many, many (many) people can decorate or craft or hang pictures.
But no one loves your children or weaves a snippet like you do.
Believe.
You always know how to say the right thing Julie. 🙂
I was just asking my husband if my posts seemed kind of negative lately (apart from the obvious ones) (and he said yes) because I’m not always feeling negative, but I do think I’m at some sort of a crossroads. Maybe it’s my kids’ age – too young to be self-sufficient, but almost too old to cuddle. Or at least not cuddle time where they’re squirming to get away.
Anyway … crossroads can be good, right?
I totally get it. I do the cooking and cleaning out of duty, because I have to, no joy in it. When my family says something appreciative, I often feel patronized instead of thankful. I guess it is like if they noticed cleaning or cooking was done well, then they really mean that it sucks the rest of the time! I am on the verge of starting a life for myself outside of the home, but it scares me. Who will be there when they get home? Will I have to make dinner too? What if they are sick and I have to work?
I love painting. Walls, furniture, whatever. I want to make a career out of this and be proud of what I do. It is just very scary.
out of this, but it is scary. I just need to do something that I can feel good about that
I’m glad you talked about doing something creative instead of an office job – you are really talented. The good thing about creative jobs is that they seem to be more flexible than office jobs. I hope you can find your passion and your niche.
You are not alone. I feel like I am moseying along as well. (And trying not to think of how sad that is.)
And your post was a revelation to me because I feel the same way you do, except I don’t enjoy cooking all that much. So all these things that seem to define being a stay-at-home mom and I’m not good at, or don’t enjoy them, either.
Oh my friend – may we both find our passion. I wouldn’t trade having children or being home with them (most of the time) for anything. But I want life to feel rich.
Yes, I often feel the same way. While I am a stay at home mom, I have struggled with the role. I love my kids, but dealing with a messy house, and dishes all day longs gets to me. I hate that whatever i do is undone in minutes leaving me feeling like I have accomplished nothing no matter how hard I “work”. After some good therapy I decided to go back to school to reconnect with some of my own passions and start dreaming again. After leaving NYC, and becoming a wife and a mom, I had a little identity crisis, and lost track of my dreams. I recently started my own blog about it, if you want to check it out. http://breeenyc.blogspot.com/2012/01/gaining-momentum.html
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I will come visit. I’m assuming your dreams have to do with photography, right? But I’ll come and see! 🙂
Oh, bahumbug on writing negative posts; you’re posts are real and full of emotion! I’m tired too of being a jack of all trades and I’m ready to find my passion. But How? Invest in higher education? Leave my partner to pursue a job far away? I think I’m following the path that’s right for me/us in this moment and as long as I’m open to new experiences I hope my passion will find me eventually. *hopefully*
Doesn’t it suck that a passion for something doesn’t seem to strike everyone? My daughter seems to be headed in my direction too. She’s talented but not at all willing to settle down to one thing. I’m very afraid.
(She’s 7, ha ha).
I think I’m doing what I do and working toward it, but it’s kind of new. I feel like the clarity’s come on in the last 6 months or so. Plus I have a major time commitment that ends in May, so for now, it’s work toward what I want, but bide my time until the time commitment is over. Then reassess and start planning more.
is it that you don’t have a passion, or do you discount your dreams as being unrealistic? For me, I have dreams, but none of them are anything but huge. And huge is hard to shoot for when you are raising young kids and knockin’ at the door of 50 (i.e.- tired all the time!) I am trying to take steps towards my passion, but it seems that they are too little too late.
How’s that for a negative take? 🙂
Seriously, crossroads are a good thing. And I do think that mine will take me somewhere, whether it is the ridiculous dream I am inching towards, or one that I have yet to envision, moving forward is what brings one there.
And, seriously also, lady, you have done covered a LOT of ground in recent years. Give yourself some credit for it!!
XOXO
Corrine, what are your dreams? We need to talk!
Yes perhaps some of them are too big … but it’s possible that I just want to be paid for what I do. And not necessarily earn a regular paycheck, but be financially rewarded.
For the first time in a long time (if ever) I am actually enjoying my job. It took a long, long time for me to get to this place though and who knows if I’ll always feel this way.
One day at a time…
I do get the feeling you are fulfilled in your life, despite your delightful sarcasm which keeps me constantly amused! 🙂
Ah, I think the expectations of parenting are slightly ridiculous. I would like to be better at keeping things tidy. Because the chaos drives me crazy, but apparently less crazy then actually cleaning? But for the rest (except keeping children warm and fed and loved), I think you teach them passion and joy by doing whatever you enjoy with them. My dad loves his garden. And I do because he let me help. My mom adores music, and taught me that it contains something we cannot express in other ways.
As for doing what I love – well, I think that there is a certain amount of fetching and carrying in any career – sometimes you have to make someone else coffee, and does anyone really like making coffee? The politics and judgments of what we should do cloud everything, but yes, I follow my passion. Imperfectly.
We had a gray gloomy day today too – full of rain and rain and the blankness of a flat sky. I hope for a little blue tomorrow.
Hm – I should probably stop glamorizing my passion. You’re right about their being a certain amount of fetching and carrying in everything you do.
Oh Jennie, I have worried about you since your miscarriage. This is not how I dreamt you would start your new year. ( but congrats on home improvements.) Sending you hugs from across the pond.
I’m mid 50’s and have learned life is about acceptance. This sounds boring and trite but is what I have discovered to be “true”.
Even my generation was allowed to dream big and go for it, but what exactly was “it”? I never discovered exactly what my passion was/is and how it would translate into riches and/or self-worth. I willfully ( also had the luxury of) chose to be a stay at home mom and then felt under-appreciated and dull for not having persued a career. Meanwhile my glamorous working friends looked at me with envy. I would have to say none of us ever felt “free”. We all struggled with doubts about our self worth no matter what we were doing. The children all followed their own paths, our helicoptering or benign indifference as mothers ignored. In the end things have worked out, not always the waywe wanted, but, well, things could have been worse.
So I guess what I’m trying to say, not so succinctly, is that although so many of us have much to be thankful for we have been programmed to feel incomplete for not having done more. As I have grown older I have come to to accept and appreciate simple pleasures – the joy of being with friends, a brilliant sunset, the fun of an inside joke with my husband, seeing my children grow to become honest and caring adults, and the words of a mother in France whom I have never met. At last I’m now in a place where I can accept that it is ok to do what gives me pleasure and satisfaction, no matter how big or small. And what I once thought was “big” often wasn’t…I am happy to accept the reality of my fortunate life, and grateful (to be a woman here in NA). It may not be much, but it’s good.
Cindy, this was such a sweet and rich comment. I don’t think what you say is boring and trite at all. I do believe that those who are content with the life they have are the happiest of all, not matter how “small” their life is. Maybe I need to get to my fifties to get that? I have made a few leaps in growth since my thirties so perhaps age another decade (if I am so granted) will sort all that out.
Thank you.
Oh my friend, I have so much to say here
– the scenery and the poetry that you use to describe it, are pure lovely.
-listening and loving and freedom-ing *do* define stay at home mom-ness!
-who the hell can tell you what or who you are?!
-you are lovely.
🙂
xo
Hey – that’s right! No one can tell me!
(so why do I feel guilty)? 🙂
I always think of you as a writer, as you write so beautifully, your snippets of life so gorgeously woven and vivid.
Stay-at-home mothers just need to love their children and make sure they get their hugs (and food, heh).
Thank you Alison. And you’re right – the hugs are the most important (after food). 😉
I’m sorta moseying along. Truly. I am good at what I do {for the paycheck} but it doesn’t really ‘complete me’ or bring me joy. So I’m guessing I won’t explore the joyous job until I no longer have little ones at home to worry about. Kind of the chicken-sh!t way out.
Or the smart, biding-your-time way out?
I have moments where I am sure I am on the right path. Also a “stay at home Mama_ but truthfully not that great at it. I do my best, love them fiercley and exsist in my not so perfect house, No June Clever here. The thing is I’m fine with that and happy to be finding my way, seeking my joy each and every day.
Somedays are fabulous, some are glum. Perhaps this is the life of a stay at home Mom?
Hugs!
See – you are perfectly suited to the role! Plus you just zip off to Paris and buy Laboutins whenever life gets too glum. 😉 No seriously, it does seem like you have gotten into a good rhythm with the fabulous and the glum.
I am finally working towards what I want to do. It is slow going because I don’t know that I have the courage or the skills to get where I want to go, but I’m finally ready to try.
For a long, long time, I tried to just….live. Well, just trudge by and just go through the motions each and every day. It made me immensely sad and it caused a rift in my family.
When I read your blog, underneath all your humor, it seems like you’ve come so far from where you once were and that makes me happy.
i do not know what my passion is yet. xo
Oh friend,
We are so alike when it comes to being a stay-at-home Mom – enjoying so few of the things that make up the role and not being quite good at most of them — though I love my children and cherish the time I get to have with them. This makes me so thankful for my writing which is a true passion for me. I get to do what I love and I hope to take it further.
You weave amazing tales. You have a gift. Just start with your characters, focus on them, piece together your snippets, which can be your scenes and your story will come. With story comes plot. That’s what this writer does.
I hope you can take your writing further too Mel – I’m part of your cheering squad.
I am most certainly just moseying along, too caught up in dirty diapers and stacks of dishes (and glitter paper glued to my floor) to really ponder what would truly fulfill me. If I let myself think about it too much, will I realize I’m really not happy staying at home?
Also, if I come lead craft projects at your house, will you come cook at my house?? =>
It’s a deal! Crafts in exchange for food! 🙂
To all you beautiful ladies, I am 52, my three boys grown with children of their own. I was a stay at home mom for most of their lives, but ventured out to teaching about half way through. I know that the years spent at home were difficult at times, under-appreciated at best by my then husband, and not valued by the “supermom” culture, but now that my kids are grown, they remind me of what it meant to them to dance across the floor to the “spinning song” I played for them on the piano, to bake cookies with me, go to the park, play Star Wars, to have the “reading hour” everyday after lunch during the summer and I see them doing things with their children that I once did with them. I taught them all to cook and do their own laundry (my daughters-in-law now appreciate that) but none of them remember that we didn’t have the cleanest house or that I didn’t enjoy the chores of staying at home, that I wasn’t a good decorator (my husband now is great at it) and that I was terrible at getting the dishes done. I didn’t accomplish anything great while they were at home and I was so behind the curve when I went back to work that I never caught up there, but I’m writing full time now and health coaching people through skype and have published a book, and that is all nice, but nothing is better than when I see those boys and their families and know that I really did accomplish something great in helping them navigate a tough world where love is so hard to come by, but that their home was full of love and laughter and they are passing on that legacy to their own children.
Hugs and love and laughter, open hearts and fun are what you are giving those children and the world can only benefit from the great work you are doing! Before you know it you will be rocking grandbabies, so enjoy this time; it goes by too fast!
These words are very precious to me Jane – thank you.
I think this is one of the main problems of the “modern world.” We’re taught from a young age that we can achieve anything and the world is our oyster. But then we’re overwhelmed by choice and indecision and can’t help but feel we have somehow failed to achieve the greatness that was our destiny. I feel exactly. the,. same. way. you describe in your post. But, as others have pointed out, true contentment is appreciating what we have/where we are in life and not comparing ourselves to what others seem to have. I just saw a great TED talk on this that you might enjoy: http://www.ted.com/talks/alain_de_botton_a_kinder_gentler_philosophy_of_success.html
I don’t know about TED so I’ll have to check that out. But you said it well – overwhelmed by choice and indecision. I envy people who have clear-cut paths.
I sat down this afternoon and drafted a post so similar to the first half of this one … just trying to describe the grey, the fog, the snow, the mist, the way my entire world is defined in shades of black and white. It’s suffocating. That’s an aside, I suppose.
Figuring out what to do next … when these little people do not need me every moment of every day … I think about it A LOT. Sometimes, I think I’m inching toward the answer and sometimes I’m just wandering around in the fog. Freezing.
Let me know if you find it. Maybe it’ll spark an idea for me.
Gloomy times aren’t that enjoyable, but look at all that you have learned about yourself with it. It is so important to be honest with yourself and having realized that, you learned such a valuable lesson (ha, this sounds like I know from experience- I don’t so much!). Figuring out your questions is part of the journey… good luck and godspeed!
jennnnnie,
I’ve been reading your blog like a novel (one I can’t put down) and I’m caught up! This post is close to my heart as I am an at home mom and have been feeling the same way since my first was a toddler. I tend to feel guilty b/c I consider it a luxury to be able to be at home with my young kids and really do love and adore them. I want more, something for myself-more than wife/motherhood. I feel lucky to have such a fabulous “sir” of my own! As my younger one starts preschool this fall I’ll start looking for work so we’ll see where that takes me but probably a campus?! ps a memoir is in your future
Oh Sue – thank you for reading. It’s good to hear your voice: 🙂 And yes – a campus. I totally see that for you!
oh, my friend . . . I could have wrote this. Well, actually . . . I could NOT have written it as honestly and eloquantely as you. But the feelings are all the same, and I have been feeling just like this. With that has come TERRIBLE guilt, and that guilt makes it almost impossible to function. Ever since I lost my job last July . . . but it really hit me months ago. I think I am depressed. But what, honestly, have I to be depressed about? Nothing. Except, of course, having no idea what I am doing.
Oh! That question! I’m moseying…LOL!