Pearls from a Marriage Retreat

We had our fourth marriage retreat last weekend and – except for the first year – it is held here.

A chateau-based marriage retreat is a really nice benefit of living in France, wouldn’t you say?

This year the château changed owners, and I think the new owner didn’t quite know what to expect from a group of church-goers because he was much more cautious about setting the rules (please end your dance party by midnight and keep the music down). But by the next morning, he was so touched by the teaching he overheard and the music in our Sunday service, he came and sat in and told us we could come back any time. He said that the world needed more of this kind of faith. It was so touching to see his reaction.

The Program

Matthieu and I arrived just after noon, and we had time enough to eat at a crêperie in town and scribble out some love poems because there were gift baskets to try to win.

Four groups in our church (based on region or stage in life) created gift baskets, and everyone had four chances to win one. The first basket was just for showing up. The second basket was for those who submitted their wedding song. The third basket was for people who wrote a love poem for each other. (Our friends Paul and Stephanie won that and they deserved it! Their poems were so much better than ours, and they actually wrote them in advance like you’re supposed to). And the fourth basket was for bringing a wedding photo.

So we submitted our song, we showed up, we scribbled out love poems (at lunch) and we brought a wedding photo. Turns out we didn’t have to do all that work because we won the basket just for showing up.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. We got the keys to our room at 1:45 and quickly brought our things up because the class started at 2:00. The last two years we happened to pluck out the key for a suite, and this year we were going to turn it down if it happened again so someone else could have a chance. It didn’t happen again, and we got this absolutely adorable cozy room in the attic.

I loved it.

Between 2:00 and 5:30 we had two classes taught by an American-Italian couple (Christina and Marco) who are in the Milan church, plus a croissant break in between.

I’ll tell you more about those classes in a minute. From 5:30-6:30 we split, and each couple went off with a list of questions to ask each other. Then at 6:30 we came back and met in small groups where we could share with other couples what we’d learned from our spouses and from the class.

Then it was time to change into fancy dress-wear and sit down to a gourmet meal (salmon for entrée, duck and vegetables for main dish, and I had panna cotta with pineapple for dessert since it was gluten-free). And we danced to each other’s wedding music until midnight. I really need to take salsa lessons so I can get as good as my husband.

The retreat wasn’t quite over because the next morning after breakfast, we had a small service, given by a brother in our Brussels church (who Matthieu and I were really happy to see – we serve together at the pre-teen camp in Switzerland each summer). And I’ll tell you more about that in a minute, too.

We capped everything off with people sharing about what struck them during the classes, decisions they were making, and what they learned / loved. After that, we left to go home, with many of us stopping to have lunch with others on the way.

I don’t think I stopped talking for a single minute because not only was I so happy to see all my friends, but I was also translating for the English-speakers via an app. I was so so tired. It was rich, though, and I’m going to share with you some of my takeaways. They’re really brief – because I was translating, I was not able to take notes, so they’re more like little pearls that I hope will inspire you and give you a flavour for the weekend.

The Pearls

 

The classes were based on Francis and Lisa Chan’s book, You & Me Forever : Marriage in the Light of Eternity (you can click on the title to get to the book). The goal is eternity, which really changes your perspective about marriage. When marriages are suffering in the church, it destroys God’s kingdom. So it’s worth the effort to keep them healthy.

Christina shared about how she had prepared everything in advance to be ready to leave for the airport right after work, and how her bag was packed right by the door so she would be completely stress-free the next morning. But somehow she missed the fact that her boots were in terrible shape and they were coming apart at the seams with holes, both visible and in the soles. It was pouring rain all day and her feet were sopping wet, so she put plastic bags around her feet and put her boots back on.

That night when she got to airport security, to her great humiliation, she had to take her boots off, place them in the tray, and walk through the X-ray machine with bags on her feet. She was so embarrassed, and as soon as they got through security, they tracked down an airport boutique where she was able to buy some new boots. She said – but isn’t our marriage like that at times? It’s falling apart at the seams, messy, not at all glamorous. But God is able to work in those marriages too, and we can’t believe Satan’s lies that it’s too late for us, and there is no hope for our couple.

The following are some takeaways that I got, beginning with …

 

Christina and Marco’s 7 Golden Rules of Marriage

(They jokingly said – “which we give you in all humility”)

1. Marriage is work. There is no such thing as compatible or not compatible.
2. Marriage is about acceptance and connection. You can’t have connection until you first truly accept your spouse.
3. Satan is the enemy, not your spouse. We need great humility in marriage. If – because of your pride – you are opposed to your spouse, then God is opposed to you, because God opposes the proud and lifts up the humble. (James 4:6)
4. We need to have an agape love for our spouse. (Col 3:14). It’s better to be right with God than to be right, period. We have to stop keeping points.
5. Part of our connection is sexual, and we need to keep the marriage bed pure. (Heb 13:4). Marco quoted a study done in an evangelical church where 7 out of 10 men admitted to getting their needs met in ways other than by their spouse (masturbation, pornography, prostitutes, affairs).
6. Ask for help when it’s not going well. Be open.
7. Live the church life together – open up your home and be a light to the world.

More pearls

— In marriage, you need to have grace and truth in balance. If you have too much truth, you’ll crush your spouse. Sure, you tell it like it is but you don’t give your spouse a chance to repent and change. They’re flattened by your words. If you have too much grace and not enough truth, it becomes superficial.

— The first goal is always to give glory to God. If your marriage is not going well, your problem is not with your spouse, your problem is with God.

— There’s nothing like marriage to humble us and to make us face up to our own pride and selfishness.

— If your marriage has gotten to a really bad place, and you don’t know what else to do, you can always repent.

The next day for the Lord’s supper, Christoph from Brussels shared about the difference between Adam as a husband to Eve and Jesus as a husband to the church. Jesus took responsibility for his bride’s sins (the church) and he carried them to the cross, tenderly helping the church to be free from its burden of sin. Adam blamed his wife for her sin and for his own. (This woman You gave to be with me / she gave it to me and so I ate).

Husbands in the church need to be like Jesus and not like Adam.

We were given some questions to ask each other and then continue to reflect on – and pray about – even after we went home. I’ll leave you with these:

Spouse questions:

Husband to wife : What do you need from me in order for us to be emotionally and spiritually connected?

Wife to husband : What do you need from me to feel more respected and supported?

For those who have children : Do our children see Jesus in our relationship, our dynamic, and how we are with outsiders?

What aspects of our life show that Jesus’s mission to make disciples is something that’s important to us? And what are flagrant aspects of our life that show our disobedience in this area?

I did fix my blog feed so those of you who subscribe by email should get this post in your inbox. See you in two weeks! I think a good recipe will be my next post.

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