When we returned from the States, my garden was one big weedy mess. This was right about the time I had a bunch of writing deadlines, was trying to recover from jet lag (and help my children recover from jet lag) – the time I was trying to prepare for the back to school frenzy, and when I was deciding, along with my husband, that we needed to tackle a major organization of the studio, garage, and office, RIGHT NOW.
Needless to say, the entire venture has completely worn me out, and I keep taking naps instead of actually working.
I get little snippets of help. My friend Isabelle came over to help me garden twice. In part, she came because she loves to do it and I feed her daughter organic, dairy and egg-free food, and in part it’s because she’s that kind of friend. She showed up in her jean mini-skirt, her John Lennon sunglasses and floppy-brimmed hat, and her explosion of red curly hair pulled back from her forehead under the straw hat. Armed with rubber boots and gardening gloves, she got right to work, digging up the irises that were so unhappy where they were – getting overshadowed by the raspberries and munched on by the snails –
and moving them to a place where they could breathe.
My garden saw some major improvements under her care.
Weeds are gone – ready for Spring planting
Lawn is mowed.
More weeds are pulled, and plants are moved to a happier place.
Isabelle even urged another (mutual) friend, also named Isabelle, to come over. She ended up coming and helped me tie the grapevine.
But that’s only one part of our home improvement/ organization. The studio outside is coming along slowly. The floors are done and the baseboards are on. Matthieu still has to do the electricity, and then build a shelving unit so he can store his records from his days as a deejay. (Something tells me this won’t be entirely my office). And then we’ll be ready to put my desk in and I won’t have to wear earplugs in the house to muffle the screaming kids so that I can keep up with my writing.
In the meantime, we’re continuing to work through the upstairs guest room/office in time for my English classes to start at the end of this month.
And I’ve accomplished some of my writing-blogging deadlines. The rest are still on my internal “to-do” list, and I’ll tell you about each one as it comes up.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by all these projects and the complete lack of time, I almost long for a terminal illness, just so I have an excuse to stay in bed. Sometimes just a trip to the grocery store will leave me with such a panic attack I have to take a little white pill so I can breathe again.
It’s crazy! There’s just something so off-kilter about the whole thing – that my self-enforced expectations would leave me strangled and longing for a vacation spot in a hospital ward.
I just finished reading – devoured, really – the memoir “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed. (I have to flay all thoughts of, “So this is what a memoir is supposed to be like. No one is ever going to buy mine.” No, I’m not listening to those thoughts).
If you’re not familiar with the book, it’s the story of a woman who hiked the Pacific Crest Trail all by herself. She tells of the obstacles – the cold and thirst and black toenails; the rattlesnakes and bears and loneliness; the bad characters and icy slopes. She tells about it in such a way that makes me want to rush out and get my own backpack and hike the darn trail to prove to myself I still have mettle. It makes me want to do something.
While Cheryl was hiking the trail, there were long moments of tedium, when she simply had to put one aching foot in front of the other. There were many times when the purpose of what she was doing got drowned out by the mindlessness of routine and the snippets of songs and thought in her head that she subconsciously used to while away the hours. There were days when it was all she could do to look at the next step in front of her and simply be satisfied with making progress. If she looked at the end result and how much more there was to go, she would despair.
I can tell when I’m focusing more on the end result than I am on the next step. I eat way more than I need or want. I eat sugar, I eat salt, I eat in between meals. People offer me their seats on the subways. (You shouldn’t be sitting in your condition). I despair as much for the excess weight I will now have to take off, as much as I despair for the lack of character, as much as I despair for the stress that has driven me to excess in the first place.
I can tell when I have too many expectations of what I’m supposed to be accomplishing because I start harboring those self-harm thoughts again. It’s not that I will actually do it. It’s just that it’s the only way I can find relief from feeling inadequate – I just picture stabbing myself or cutting my face, or having someone shoot me in the chest. I picture it again and again until I feel a sad sort of vindictive relief. A melancholy acceptance of my inadequacy. And then I long to be in a hospital bed so I can escape all the pressure. Who would have thought I’d be middle-aged and still struggle with such things?
Well. Apparently I do have some mettle. At least, I have enough to know that this is NOT NORMAL!
In the book, Cheryl started out with a backpack that was way to heavy for her – loaded down with a bunch of things she didn’t need. She called her backpack “Monster.” Later, with the help of a friend who had more expertise in hiking, she whittled it down to the bare essentials. And by the end of the trip, Monster was less of a burden than it was an affectionate necessity, containing everything she would need to survive all in one transportable pack.
I’m getting help from people with more expertise. I’m being open with the friends around me about where I’m at. I’m trying to prioritise what should get my attention right now and what can wait. I’m whittling down my own “Monster” with the help of people who just seem to navigate the trails of life better than I do. And I’m seeing the projects get done as my sanity gets restored.
Last night we welcomed our Bible Discussion group and it forced us to clean in anticipation, and then do nothing other than spend the evening eating and talking with friends. It was great. This morning I folded all the clean clothes and ironed, and helped the children with their homework before I sat down at the computer. Another obstacle overcome on my way to the goal.
Perhaps it’s not what I accomplish that matters. It’s not what I’ve achieved right now! It’s not the end result that is already in my hands that lends validity to my being. Perhaps it’s just the act of focusing on the next step and taking it, instead of despairing over the unattainable goal I’ve not yet achieved.
It’s the focus on the perseverance of steps forward, and not on the inadequacy of steps not achieved that one might call . . . progress.
I totally relate to this right now. I’m having a problem just starting so many things, even though I know full well it’s not so bad once I just DO IT. And the eating? Yes.
Thanks, Jennie. This was helpful to read. 🙂
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted…Awakening Wonder
GAH. Just un-spammed your comment. Alright girlfriend, we’ll elbow each other up. 🙂
Glad you’re making progress, dear.
You now what? I remember reading To Kill A Mockingbird & afterwards, I said “YESSS, now I know why it’s called a classic!”
I shall def. by ordering WILD. I want to read what all this fuss is about…Thanks, Sweets. Xx
My Inner Chick recently posted…13 Reasons I Continue Blogging
I read TKA Mockingbird, but don’t remember it. Wild is very good, as much for its literary value as for its personal victories.
Progress sometimes comes in tiny increments. That’s one thing I’ve learned from writing novels. Starting seems so daunting, so I try to break it into manageable chunks. Manageable chunks means different things at different stages. Sometimes it’s just a page a day.
I just finished reading Wild and thought it was wonderful. My copy is highlighted in many places.
Jackie recently posted…The One with the Faux-Nuts
I never thought to highlight a book (other than the Bible and textbooks). That’s a great idea – I get why you would do that.
Yes – manageable chunks – you wise woman, you!
When our goals seem unwieldy – and our eyes see more than what we can take in – we lose balance and fall. But like you said in the last sentence: the steps we take, not the jobs we’ve ticked off, are what constitutes progress.
You have done quite a lot, my friend. Take it easy on yourself, breathe, and continue to do the work that you were made to do. You are doing a really great job!
Andrea recently posted…The Ultimate Job
Your eyes see more than you can take in too, huh? I’m glad I’m not the only one.
And thank you! Thank you for the support.
Personally, I get so distracted by so many things. And not that these distractions are bad things in themselves, I just let them become too important and then I become distraught at what I haven’t done/accomplished. I try to remember my one important goal, walking along the road God has laid before me.
Connie Keller recently posted…Five Ultimate Battles
This is really good advice Connie. I think I stumble when I forget what, exactly, it is that God has laid before me, and I try to forge my own paths.
Elise and I were talking this morning about the way children have forever ended our ability to prioritize one thing above all others and just GET IT DONE. Joyfully (mostly), they are always a priority of equal importance. That seemed relevant … because … OH! Because progress, however incremental, at this stage of your life, with those darling little priorities running around, is incredible, ma cherie. xo.
anymommy recently posted…Something right
I really liked this comment. 🙂 It was simple and validating.
Gros bisous!
You are adequate!!! More than you see or think… I see your beautiful family and home… Your words… Your understanding… Your insight of the human heart and mind…
You impact and change people… You make us think, cry, laugh, wonder…
You are busy but you are adequate… You my friend are beautiful and you are doing a great job!!
Merci Viviane, tes mots m’ont beaucoup touché – je ne peux même pas l’exprimer à tel point.
Je t’embrasse très, très fort!
There are days I wonder if progress is an illusion. I exercise and try to eat better, then one chocolate sundae with the kids and it seems I’ve undone it all. I’ll dedicate a whole weekend to getting the house in order, and then it slips back into chaos and you can’t tell anything ever happened. It can be frustrating. But it can also relieve some of the burden of thinking any of it matters more than it should.
I loved Wild, too. Although I was left unnerved by the fact that the scariest thing in it was those two young men she managed to flee from. How sad that the biggest thing to fear is often each other. I wonder how different hiking the PCT is now with smartphones and GPS technology?
Your garden is looking lovely! I love the fence made of sticks.
Korinthia Klein recently posted…Sparkly Things at the Violin Store
Yes! Korinthia! You get it!
If only there were some victories that stayed put! Although, I suppose the occasional victories in growing in character will stay put.
Great observation about Wild. And yes, I imagine it’s very different now. I think back to when I traveled pre-cell phones and pre-Internet. She’s only one year older than me so I could relate to that Bohemian time of life too.
When a journey is long, progress can be tough to measure objectively. But it is still a step on the journey – you are making progress. I tend to want to just be done when there is something looming over my head. But we can’t always do that, can we?
I haven’t been reading recently, but I have heard a lot about “Wild” – maybe it is time to start a reading wish list.
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted…Finding Our Styles – Guest Post at Coach Daddy
What you said struck me. Perhaps I should remember that it IS a long journey. I think the anxieties stem from thinking the journey should be shorter than it is.
Oh friend. I know this too well. I hate it and I am so sorry that you’re going through these feelings.
You know that I’m always here right?
I’m good at making jokes and junk. I mean, I don’t make junk. Like what constitutes junk?
Look at the mini stuff instead of big ones. Even though they may seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things, they are progress. Accomplishments. One thing at a time babe. one thing. You’re going to get back on track. Breathe. Breathe. I’ll get the wine. I’ll turn on Skype and I’ll drink it for you. kidding. partially.
love youxoxo
Kimberly recently posted…Sabotage
Your jokes and junk keep me going girlfriend! 😀
I loved WILD and I really appreciate the lessons you gleaned from it. Great insights– especially about consulting experts. It’s so easy to feel like we have to do everything and BE everything ourselves.
Nina recently posted…Why Couple Friends Matter
Doesn’t it make you just want to go out and hike the mountains? No? Just me?
(grin). It is a great book.
Wasn’t Wild amazing? (also memoirs are like life, all different and fabulous in their own way, impossible to compare)
I think you’re doing amazing things. One step at a time. xo
Alison recently posted…Living
Yes, I’m so glad you recommended it to me.
So black nails? Scary. But aside from that I understand what you write. So many things to do, so little time.
I am inspired to find the time to read Wild. Sounds like an amazing book! I need some serious inspiration.
Great job on the progress Jennie. You are an amazing person!
Ameena recently posted…because it’s a race
Yes, somehow I don’t see you hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. 😉
And, thank you, love!
May have to read Wild now.
The things that really matter will get done. Don’t be so hard on yourself–you’ve accomplished a lot in one year alone! It’s good that you’re letting people help you too.
Carole recently posted…Scenes From Old Town, Part II
Thank you Carole. This is what I need to focus on.
Love this post and all your supportive comments. I would love a weedy messy garden – I don’t have one at all – not even a yard… one day 🙂 Good luck on your progress.
Thank you Catherine. I always longed for a garden, and then I realized that it’s just extra cleaning! Aargh! 😉
Your comment really meant a lot to me. Thanks you!
looks like you’ve accomplished so much in your garden! It really looks fab. I get by with a little help from my friends too Jennie 🙂 I dislike that overwhelmed feeling also. You’re hanging in though?
sarah reinhart recently posted…Baby’s good to me
I am, I am. Things are better this week because I’ve had some breakthroughs in the pressure. I knew it was just the period (back to school and all that) but it was worse than usual this year. Things are slowly coming together though.
In my old age (ha! I will be 45 soon and need to prepare myself with hyperbole) I have learned that the ONLY way I can survive the self-imposed pressure to SUCCEED and ACHIEVE is to set my goals small.
Sometimes, even, ridiculously small.
But there is always so much to be done – as a mother, wife, friend, writer, human – it can be paralyzing to look at the big picture: where you want to be a year, month, week from now.
So each day, I decide on one or two small things I MUST accomplish. And for some reason, once those are done, I feel better. I reward myself (in some small way) and everything else I accomplish is simply gravy.
Also, gravy? Yum.
So be gentle with yourself, Jennie. You are so very loved. Even when you don’t have time to garden 🙂
julie gardner recently posted…Brave
Old age – HA. You only have one year on me. 😉 But yes, there are so many demands unless you choose to be completely selfish. It’s tempting, believe me!
PS I’m gonna write you back. 😀
I so understand where you are coming from with this post. Those times when the to-do list is so long all you can think to do is nap because the idea of starting is paralyzing. It sounds like you have some amazing friends helping you to get back on track. Sometimes that is all you need to regroup. Glad to hear you are making progress.
Welcome Nicolette! 🙂 You said it – paralyzing. I’m already forming my plans for today to get a better start.
Don’t ever doubt yourself, you are trully beautifull right to the core of your being, it shows in your children and your sensitive blog, life is too short for doubts when you should be rejoicing in the love that is surrounding you.
sent with love from a granny
Maria, this is such a sweet, encouraging comment, and I’ve taken it to heart. 🙂
Yes, the feeling of being so overwhelmed that you just want to cry in a corner or at the very least lock yourself in the bathroom until the problems fix themself.
And this is also why I write to do lists, also when it comes to househould chores. My husband thinks I am a nutcase, but it helps to give structure to the whirlwind inside my head.
I need to be more like you. I think I would be happier if things were more orderly. But I often (impulsively) jump into what I consider most important (writing) and ignore the essential – order. Not a recipe for long-term success.