I used to write more vulnerable, personal posts on my blog, and that changed when I started writing books and found myself with less time. If I have an hour or two – and I rarely get more – I feel pressure to churn out pages for my latest novel, and the blog gets put to the side until I have something burning to say, or until I’ve gone too long without fresh content to properly upkeep a blog I still love.
My kids have also grown and are less keen to have their pictures and lives on public display. I have to ask them every time I post a picture of them, which means I’m not writing about those spontaneous, joyful celebrations of life that happen on a regular basis. Something also changed when I went off anti-depressants two years ago. Writing about vulnerable things no longer brought relief. It’s enough just to keep up. My life is more about survival than anything else and vulnerability sometimes takes more out of me than I have.
I’ve been struggling with anxiety – in a general way for quite awhile, but intensely for the last couple of months. The cause is never all that important since the feelings and physical manifestations of anxiety are usually not based on realistic (or even probable) outcomes and are therefore all the more inexplicable. Still, I think the trigger has been continuous medical issues that are not, in themselves, very serious (tendinitis, bronchitis, recurrent bladder infections, allergies) but they flow from one problem into the next so it’s an endless cycle of doctor’s visits and energy spent finding solutions (sometimes alternative) for healing. I haven’t had a single day that I can remember in four months that I’ve felt completely well.
I’ve also been anxious about a lot of upcoming to-dos and trips and extra things on top of my schedule (and those achievement-oriented expectations that hang on me like an albatross). We’re in slow legal pursuit of the construction company that walked off with all our money. We may not win, but it’s important to try our best not to be victims. We live with scaffolding around our house, which is half-covered with drafty cement blocks and not the beautiful insulation we’ll be paying for for the next 20 years. I’m glad to have our living room done, but I can’t go upstairs and look at the empty construction site there without a pang. And I can’t walk outside and look at the unfinished exterior (and weedy garden, which we can’t redo until the exterior is finished) without a feeling of dismay.
The anxiety has been intense. For awhile I couldn’t eat and lost 7 lbs. I couldn’t sleep at night, and even now that I can, I still need a nap during the day. I had to turn down social engagements. Sometimes the anxiety was too much and I needed medicine, and other times I was able to handle it through prayer. It doesn’t help that, without antidepressants, taking a rather bleak view on life is my modus operandi.
Still. Despite it all, something beautiful has been happening through my battles to overcome anxiety. I have leaned on God more than ever and have experienced victories that are bright rays of hope in this seemingly bleak little life of mine. I wanted to share some of the scriptures that brought me this hope – the ones that help when I’m very anxious.
Matthew 6:25-34 (not all is shown) “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
What I remind myself – rebuke myself, even – is that Jesus commands me not to worry about tomorrow. What else is anxiety if not worrying about tomorrow? When I’m in the throes and fears of the what-ifs, I take each thought captive to Christ and tell myself, “No! Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow. And right now, at this instant, this thing I dread is not happening. Therefore I have no cause to worry.”
And sure enough, 9 times out of 10, the thing I dread does not happen. Tomorrow arrives with its rays of sun and hope, and the only damage done is to my poor jaw from clenching teeth when I sleep. (I haven’t yet succeeded in convincing myself not to worry when I sleep).
Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
I discovered this New American Standard Version from reading Sarah Young’s book, Jesus Calling. The NIV says, “do not be dismayed”. But the NASV says, “do not anxiously look about you.” I remind myself of this. I comfort myself with this. “Jennie, do not look anxiously about you.” Part of anxiety is trying to find your own solutions to seemingly insurmountable problems. Here God is reminding me to be still. Whenever I start that vicious whirl in my head, “Okay I need to do this, and then do that, and maybe this will work …” I just need to stop. I will not cast about desperately for solutions.
God will strengthen me. Surely he will help me. Surely he will uphold me with his righteous right hand.
Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
It’s so simple, but it’s another thing I chant in my head when I’m lying in the dark and my head is spinning from fear. When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. It works. I do this until I remember in Whom I am putting my trust.
Another similar one that I hold on to is Psalm 31:14
But I trust in you, Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
I say it with conviction. But I trust in you, Lord. I say, “You are my God.” Like, of course you’re going to come through for me. I say it until I believe it, and it has been effective. Suddenly this peace washes over me and I am able to fall back asleep.
Below is yet another one that talks about trust, but still they don’t feel redundant. These scriptures have a calming effect on me when I repeat them. I copy them on flashcards and put them in the notes section of my phone so I can see them again and again throughout the day. I repeat the parts I remember at night when I’m trying to sleep.
Here it is, in Isaiah 12:2
Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
I will trust and not be afraid. Those scriptures on trust are for when the anxiety is at its worst and the prayers are more primal.
However, when anxiety is mild and I can reason my way through it, I focus on scriptures like this:
Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Be cheerful! I force my face to stretch into a smile. I force my body to get out of isolation and walk into the room where my family is. I force myself to do something routine like clean the kitchen and look at the birds popping into the feeder on the flowering plum tree outside the kitchen window. There is so much to be cheerful about, even when the challenges feel large. Let me not aid and abet my crushed spirit by forgetting to be cheerful.
Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
I remember to thank God for my trials. He didn’t design us to have perfection on earth. He designed us to bring him glory by putting his treasure (His perfectly glorious Holy Spirit) in jars of clay (our broken, mortal bodies). And thanking him reminds me that this is the deal. Here on earth – broken, mortal body PLUS a deposit guaranteeing a perfect immortal body on the day we wake up from the Deep Sleep. There is truly a lot to be thankful for.
Another like it is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
I thank God for my trials because they bring me closer to him. It’s really true. I’ve been having better, deeper, and more gratitude-filled times of morning Bible reading and prayer. And the closeness stays with me throughout the day. I’m constantly drawing near to God to battle my fears and so I thank him for that.
I’ve listed more scriptures below that I found helpful, that I’ve leaned on in the past few weeks (some of them are repeats of ones I mentioned). But before I give you the list, I want to remind you of another scripture at the beginning of Matthew 8 that I think is crucial in combatting anxiety.
When Jesus came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.”Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy.
I think most of us who believe in God don’t doubt his power to do something. But we might doubt his desire to do it. After all, who are we? He has enough other people (with bigger problems) to think of. Or … He might want us to suffer in order to discipline us – right? This is how we think. We also understand that no one knows the mind of the Lord, and we accept that his perfect will is to bring us to heavenly glory and not resolve every earthly problem we bring before him.
We can reason our way through a lot of disappointments this way. We will also stay stuck in our anxiety.
But this is a faulty understanding if it stops there – if it doesn’t take into account Jesus’ desire for our complete healing. We can be sure of this : Jesus is willing to heal us. See how quickly he answered the leper? “I am willing. Be clean.” Yes, hopefully we get physical healing – but more importantly – Jesus will heal us of the fear gripping us and the anxiety that threatens to steal our peace. We gain a deeply rooted confidence when we focus on His promises.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18
Better understanding of God’s love for us:
Deuteronomy 33:26-29
Isaiah 41:13
Zephaniah 3:17
Proverbs 3:24-26
God’s promise of his presence and help:
Isaiah 26:3
Psalm 9:10
Joshua 1:5
Psalm 46:1
2 Thessalonians 3:16
Psalm 61:1-2
Mark 5:36
How we ought to approach trials and anxiety:
John 16:33
Psalm 56:3
Isaiah 12:2-3
Matthew 6:34
John 14:1
Psalm 63:7-8
Isaiah 41:10
Do you struggle with anxiety? How do you cope?
