It seems that I have way more things to tell you, my dear readers, than I have time to write them.
I have launched a Facebook campaign this past week to garner more page likes because the more people there are who like my page, the more people there are who will read my stories! And … I’m sorry for my lack of finesse in even mentioning it, but if you would like to follow me on Facebook, you can do so by clicking here). I’ve been posting more snippets and photos there instead of just linking my latest post.
But sometimes I need space to expand on a theme, and Facebook is not enough. And the topic I want to bring up today is screaming in my brain until I write it.
It’s Easter you know. We don’t always celebrate the religion behind the holidays, but I was inspired to leave this cheerful note for the kids last night.
Well … cheerful in the sense that it’s bright and colorful, even if the concept is over their heads and mentions death. But this year, I wanted there to be something more meaningful than just chocolate.
Although chocolate is great. And I may or may not have encouraged my children to tithe their chocolate to me. (With varying degrees of success, I might add). It may or may not have been a good idea to consume it.
So. I got a call last night from a well-intentioned friend. We hadn’t seen each other in awhile, but met up again on Friday night. She left me an urgent message yesterday saying she had to talk to me, so I called her back.
And then she asked me if I had had my hormones tested lately because she could tell I had gained weight since the last time she had seen me. When I said I had and that everything was normal, she suggested I have gastric bypass surgery to lose weight. Or, if not surgery, then that stomach ring they can put in to reduce the size of the stomach and make it impossible to eat more.
She was showing me love in the way she knew how. She was offering to come with me to the appointments, to do anything she could for me, laying out all her advice in a mini pep rally of encouragement. She was not at fault, apart from a bit of naivité perhaps, about what is actually helpful.
But the damage she did in one short phone call was complete. She didn’t notice that I had stopped talking and was just trying to end the call as soon as possible. She didn’t hear that it was not something I was interested in discussing with her. She just wanted to help.
I sat down on the couch, frozen, as my husband tried to figure out what had just happened. I felt shame, fear, disgust, panic – I was frozen, held captive by all these emotions, and I couldn’t climb out of the pit of shame and guilt I was in.
Because the thing about weight is, you wear your weakness on your sleeve, on your thighs, on your waistline. If your weakness is overeating, it’s the first thing people notice. And since eating is a habit we all have in common, many want to tell you the solution is obvious. Eat like me and you won’t have that problem.
Whereas, if your weakness is falsehood, no one knows it unless you’re caught in a lie.
If your weakness is stealing, no one knows it unless you’re caught with unpaid merchandise.
If your weakness is alcohol, no one knows about it unless the addiction is so strong you can no longer disguise your breath, your behavior, your habits. (Oh yeah, that’s one of my weaknesses too).
If your weakness is anger, no one knows it until you blow up – péte un plomb, as they say in French – until you fart lead.
If your weakness is promiscuity, you can usually hide it … unless your weakness is also alcohol in which case you’re not always fully in control of your behavior. (Oh yeah, promiscuity was my weakness too).
But the thing about weight is, people see it right away and are reminded of it every time they see you. They notice whether you are overcoming your weakness or whether you are being buried under its crushing burden.
And that daily effort that overweight people make to switch to green tea instead of their beloved coffee, to join a running workshop, to do T-Tapp, to have protein shakes, to reduce quantities, to reduce sugars, to count and measure and deny (how I hate feeling empty) – that effort can fall to ruins with one fell swoop, an axe to the root, by a well-meaning friend who notices and tries to suggest a better way.
The thing about weight is, if you have too much of it, everyone knows it and therefore it’s considered fair game.
I’ve been working on my memoir, as you know, and these past three chapters have been a really happy period in my past and I’m really happy these days as I relive it. It’s when I fell in love and got married.
I look at the pictures from that time period and think I look beautiful. I remember I used to think it then too when I looked in the mirror, and was always surprised. Maybe it was that I was thinner, which made my eyes look larger. More likely it was because I was being pursued by the man I loved.
But sadly, it’s the only time in my entire life, apart from the second half of my pregnancies, when I thought I was beautiful.
Last night my husband sat down with me and got me to talk. He drew out my panic, my fears, my shame. He told me that the world is too obsessed with thinness, and murmured quiet encouragement about loving “Rubenesque.” It’s what I needed to hear and it broke through the frozen panic.
So today I did something unusual and asked him take a picture of me.
Here I am. Size 50 in France, size 16-18 in the States, depending on what brand of jeans.
(Huge by French standards). And then I did something else unusual. I had an Easter picture taken with my kids.
The side view causes me more angst because people usually think I’m pregnant, and at age 43, that ship has sailed. After four pregnancies, my stomach is the first place to show my weight gain and it can balloon out to about 6 months pregnant if I’ve had a bad week. I see people looking there and I panic.
But the thing about weight is, I have enough critical advice floating around in my own head to add your critical advice there as well. And little though you may realize – you who have never struggled with being overweight – by bringing the subject up with me again, no matter how lovingly it’s done, you’re confirming that my worst fears are true –
that the thing about weight is – that is what defines me.
I think you are very generous to call that person a friend. She was rude and just wrong in so many ways.
I thought I would respond, at the very least, to the first comment (Hi Janet! Thanks for being here!) 🙂 as a way of addressing the comments that are bound to come over the gaffe this person made in trying to help me. I don’t think she will read my blog, especially since it’s in English, but you never know. So – A, if you are reading this, don’t get upset. Just call me.
Alright, now that that’s out of the way, I do have a very flexible definition of friend. There are the friends that I help and give to more than they do to me. There are the friends that give to me more than I do to them. And then there is that perfect blend – the friend that, no matter whether you’re crying together or laughing together (or both at the same time), they get you.
I am lucky enough to have a good support group of those kinds of friends – not so much due to my own merit, I think, but more to grace. I am lucky. I am blessed. As a result, I am able to handle people’s awkward dealings and meet them where they are at, even if it means taking a sting in the process. I might not turn to them … no. Correction. I won’t turn to them with my heart’s issues – those go into safer hands – but I can show them grace, remembering (and blushing) over all my awkward handling of others.
This woman was clumsy, but not intentionally mean.
And thank you everyone for your love and support.
You are so beautiful. I’m sorry your well-meaning friend is such an idiot! Again, you are beautiful, your family is beautiful, and you are enough.
I just found your comment in spam. Thank you, thank you. 🙂
Well, I for one, think that you are lovely…peaches and cream complexion, and a body like a woman…a real woman!
Please do me a favor…stop referring to that person as a ‘friend,’…she’s not!
#NowGoAndHaveSomeChocolate
Peaches and cream! This is the kind of stuff I need to listen to! 🙂
Jennie, you are beautiful! And very brave to share this. How few of us (at least here is the US) could cast the first stone at you. I rarely have pictures taken with my children for the same reason, but I think today I will ask my husband to take one in your honor!
I’m so glad you did. I think of Anna from An Inch of Grey who lost her mother when she was only 18 and there were so few pictures of her mother taken. She wishes there were more so she could remember her better. So she was careful to take a lot of pictures with her children (only to later suffer grief at the loss of her son when he was 12).
Anyway, my point is, we have to take pictures with our kids. And LOTS!
I love the pictures! and I think you look beautiful, Jennie! I miss you, too– how many years has it been since we have seen each other in person? Happy Easter.
I know Lia. Come to France? I can’t wait to hear your happy news. 🙂
Oh Jennie, big, big hugs. I so, so get this, as you know. I know your friend meant well, but she was wrong. No one should ever approach subjects like this with you unless you bring it up first (I get the culture is different there). I think you are beautiful, because you ARE. And brave. I’m so proud to be your friend.
I have fought my weight problem my entire life (I’m 61 now). I’ve dieted, starved, exercised like crazy, etc. Finally at the age of around 52, I just realized I am very, very happy in every aspect of my life except my weight. I stopped worrying. I eat what I want, and although I am overweight, I will never diet again. I am happily retired, have a fun antiques business/hobby, and am in a happy loving marriage. I am what I am; take me or leave me.
You are so healthy! May I get to where you are at so I can have some peace.
I’m so glad you opened up – I know you’ve talked about this a little before, but this post is really brave and so thoughtful. You are gorgeous soul inside and out
… but I have to say that my other initial reaction to this post is that you are being too generous. Our friends don’t tear us down and leave us frozen, not on any issue. Our friends don’t fail to notice that we’re unbelievably hurt and no longer talking. Or, if they do, it’s a one time mistake/oblivious oversight. This sounds flippant and cruel to me … or at best, evidence of a deep cultural prejudice. Which maybe is why you forgive it so easily. Either way, don’t let her opinions have space in your head. Replace her with your gorgeous, sweet husband!! xoxoxo.
E-mailing you 🙂
You are beautiful! Your friend was rude …:( I love the photographs. Happy Easter to you and yours 🙂
You are beautiful, because your heart is, your smile is, your mind is. I honestly don’t look at someone’s weight/ body. I look at their smile. Yours is genuine, honest and sweet.
As for your ‘friend’, well-meaning as she thought she was – well, there are better ways to be a friend.
Love you. xo
Jennie,
Your post is so eloquently written. What was struck most with was the comparison to other issues -and that the “cure” for so much of what you brought up is to quit – quit stealing, quit drinking…but you can’t just quit food. I’m overweight and have been for the last 10+ years. I’ve decided thatfocusing on my health – my cholesterol, my blood pressure, my heat rate ensures that I am healthy, which is the most important thing. You are a beautiful woman with beautiful kids, a husband who loves you and a generous heart.
Sometimes I’m even afraid to focus on my health because I think “I’m going to die of heart attack, cancer or stroke and leave my kids as orphans if I don’t get my act together soon!) It makes me even more panicked. 🙂
Wonderful post and wonderful pictures.
I think you and I are about the same size and what you write about in the middle of your post, how being overweight is something people see as a weakness and we’re wearing it on our sleeve, that really hit home for me.
I think it’s probably why I’m more comfortable with my internet friends, because I don’t feel like I’m being judged.
Me too, but then I started to feel like I was living a “double life” and if blog friends saw me in real life (I went to BlogHer last year) they would be disappointed. This caused me so much stress and even made me want to avoid the encounters. My husband keeps telling me to show who I really am and stop hiding it.
And, I’m not saying that is what you are doing, or that is who you are. Just sharing … 🙂
Thank you for sharing that – and yes, it love hiding behind the computer and it does make me feel like leading a double life. Which is why I did a self-portrait project while we were on vacation for Spring Break (inspired by my friend Sarah from the Sunday Spill). You are right, we have to show who we really are (which I’m trying, it’s just not easy at all)
Hey I’m friends with Sarah too! 🙂
I always struggle up and down with my weight, but have found a little peace by reading Geneen Roth’s books. She talks about all of this stuff, and how people who have a problem with what you weigh literally HAVE A PROBLEM. It’s not yours. Also, how we need to be kind to ourselves, and speak kindly to ourselves. Anyway, didn’t want this to be a commercial for her, just know that you struck a nerve with a lot of women with this post for a reason — most of us have been there, or are there. Thank you for sharing.
I think I know those books and might possibly have read one. I do not speak kindly to myself, which is odd considering how confident I am in other ways. Thank you for the reminder on this one.
That is a beautiful picture. Really. To match a beautiful person.
The picture is beautiful and I love your honesty and generosity of spirit (especially in your response to the first comment . . . in knowing that people would want to pile on your friend.)
Thank you for this sweet comment.
First off…I think you handled your “Friend” very well. Not sure I would have been so gracious.
I think that you are truly an amazing person, inside and out. I also think you deserve nicer people in your life!
Love the pictures. Glad you posted them. Finally!
Thank you. I had to come out of my hiding place eventually, I suppose.
you are a gracious and wonderful soul. that female ‘friend’ is
shallow, mean spirited and emotionally a sabotageur…I think
that description fits her ugly personality perfectly and I could
never be as generous or understanding as you are!
an individual such as she is bad karma and should be
ignored and avoided…totally.
I adore the pix of you and the children. enchante!
a bientot…
Another Anglophone living in Paris commented on my blog post in Facebook, saying (she said I could copy it here):
I just read the comments on your post, and saw that the friend is French, which makes me think she really wasn’t being mean, she was generally concerned but just being French about it. French people are very direct about things like weight and to (most) French women, there is no greater sin than gaining weight, so she is trying to be a good friend. It’s just a culture clash on her way of doing it. This is why I stopped going to French doctors: I went to a French gynecologist once and she spent the ENTIRE appointment talking about how I weigh too much, rather than dealing with my lady-business. Never again!
First of all… I think that you look wonderful. You really do.
Second… she was trying to be helpful but she went about it in the wrong way. My guess is that she has either figured it out or has not a clue. If she reads your blog then she knows.
I struggled with my weight and I thought that I looked okay. Then I really started looking at pictures of myself and realized that is not me… I don’t look like that… So I decided to finally shed some of that weight. Not just to look better but to be healthier and set a better example for my kids and husband.
I still struggle… I love food and have a hard time saying no and not eating. Especially when I’m alone.
I followed your progress Jackie, and admire you so much!
You spoke for other women today as well, not just yourself. Women are many things in life. But too often we want to be something besides what we are. So self critical. Take all the minutes and add them up where you are feeling less than your definition of perfect. I’m sure that total sum is way too much. You, dear lady, are a beautiful radiant woman, mother, wife, daughter, friend, lover, chef, caregiver, nurturer, student, etc, etc. Take those precious minutes and celebrate your individual and unique loveliness and not waste another second. Women are like flowers in the garden. Each one is different and yet each and every bloom is glorious. How can you possibly say one is more beautiful than any other?
Try your best to be healthy, have fun, be truthful, sincere and kind. Ahhh . . . your radiance already shows your beauty both inside and out.
What a great comment! It is so validating. Thank you Katharina!
I love this post, beautiful friend! You make such good points about ALL of our weaknesses. You are so right, that so many of them are easy to hide, and therefore escape the critical judgment of others, yet weight does not! I am sorry that this person said something so insensitive to you. However, I am grateful that you have taken that hurt and written this deeply moving piece about it. Love you!
P.S. My beautiful mother was so soft to hug! I have forgotten much over these 25 years, but not that wonderful feeling to be wrapped in her softness.
This is something I will treasure and remember. This is a very healing thing to say.
I am so sorry you had to endure that phone call. Even the most well-intentioned people can cut to the core.
Earlier this year, I was cast to be in a television commercial. When I first got the role, my husband asked if I was going to try to lose weight for it. (First, the knife goes in and cuts). The shoot was right after Christmas, and I was so busy and overwhelmed I didn’t have a moment to slim down any. But I was fine with myself I thought. Until some of the people at the commercial shoot who had cast me asked if I could wear a body-shaper [which I actually was at the time]. All of a sudden I realized I wasn’t the ideal size they were hoping for. (That knife that made the first cut is now being twisted).
It is hard when we try so hard to live in our own skin only to realize that other people want us to look different. And that is hard. I’m sorry.
I am so glad you got those pictures – of you AND of you with your kids. You all are beautiful.
I can feel both of those jabs to the heart. Ugh! I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
Excuse my French Lady Jennie, but what was your friend smoking? Gastric bypass for a size 16?!!!! I’ve been a 16 for the better part of my adult life and I (usually) think I’m just fine. Some women dream of being a size 16, like my sister, who has struggled with her weight all her life and has always envied my figure (be it size 16, 18 or 10… depending on what’s going on with me). Anyways, thanks for posting this! It put my thoughts into words!
I was telling my mom how much culture plays a part. For my last pregnancy that went full term, I was 2 lbs less right before giving birth than I was before I even started. I had a 9 pound baby so all in all it was a huge amount of weight. Yet I gained 10 lbs in the last month and my doctor scolded me. It is VERY cultural, and this subject is fair game in France.
—-oh, my beautiful girl,
that is NO friend. I am SO very angry at her rude, unwelcome, demeaning, horrid comments that I want to call her now and give her a piece of my mind. Damn her for making your feel shameful about yourself. She has no right to do this. EVER. EVER. EVER.
You are beautiful. NEVER forget that. Okay?
damn that woman. What is wrong with her?
Love. Xxxxoo
PS. this woman was not saying this to be well-meaning…she was saying this to be mean. Just my thoughts.
Ohhh, that hurts. A gastric bypass?? That is for people who are morbidly obese and you are not even close to that. I thought people in Southern California were obsessed with being a size zero…Paris may be worse.
Jennie, you have so many wonderful things–beautiful family, loving husband, incredible friends and an amazing gift for writing–don’t let your weight define you. So easy for me to say, but I mean it.
I would imagine that switching to driving could temporarily add some pounds after all that walking, but you will figure out how to deal with the change. Go easier on yourself in the meantime. And read all these comments when you feel like berating yourself. 🙂
I’m not so sure it’s the driving because all the walking I had to do made me too tired for the other exercise I wanted to do. And I still move briskly whatever else I’m doing. I fear I just eat too emotionally and too much. But yes, I’m soaking in these comments.
The first thing that I see in my mind when I say your name is bright blue eyes, radiant skin, sincere smile, and a perfect nose.
I can’t help it, it’s the Jennie I know.
I simply love this.
Sorry what absolute shit………you are not that big and you are still beautiful…….
Thank you! 🙂
I think that when people point out what they think of as our weaknesses they are warning us of something that they also struggle with, or are afraid of for themselves.
That, or they are just insensitive.
Honestly, I’ve sat on both sides of this fence, but to me you look beautiful, healthy, and happy, and NOT huge even by French standards as you say. My friends and I sit around and lament about our weight and physique from time to time – some of us say we have 5 pounds to lose, and some 50, and some just need a bit of tightening up – but we all love each other for who we are and at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what any of us look like.
I can’t say that I’ve never made someone feel bad about his or her weight, because I may have. I have definitely been on the receiving end of some insensitive comments (I am 6 feet tall, and am just bigger – and weigh more – overall). But I do know enough to be sensitive, and I try to encourage when I can, just as my friends encourage me wherever they can.
I hope you can continue to see past your friend’s comments. I am not one to write someone off for one awkwardly-timed oration, but please know that your heart and soul are gorgeous, and that shines through the surface in every single way. Believe me.
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I tend to have the same sorts of conversations with good friends – sitting around and lamenting, but still loving. You’re right – in the end it doesn’t matter.
But … that said – sometimes I do feel bad for the people who will have to carry my coffin.
You are delightful. And stunningly beautiful.
I wrestle with similar negative thoughts about my body. It’s changing, slowly but surely, and I’m not sure I’m up for all the work and deprivation that would be required to turn back time.
One of my latest favourite books is “Ada’s Rules, a Sexy, Skinny Novel.” So much fun to read. Ada is woman you will love, and her road to changing her health is a journey not to be missed.
I truly hope you can cut the ties to what society tells us is beautiful, and find true beauty in your strengths and your warmth.
I need a Kindle! I keep saying that, so I can get books so much easier and more cheaply. It’s harder to get them here in France. I completely hear what you’re saying about the work and deprivation. Ugh. That has been stopping me too. My life coach struck a cord with me when she talked about longevity – doing whatever it takes to sustain healthy eating. That seems to help. But I think you’re right – the battle is won or lost in the mind regarding body image.
And thank you for your lovely compliment! 🙂
Good morning! I just lost 30 pounds and you would not believe what people who are my friends told me: how much more do you want to loose ? And I taught I was ok! You should wait one year before getting ride of clothes that are too big…. Others told me that I looked older… I could write all the comments for the next hour. I cannot understand that people will say what they think about weight without thinking how difficult it is to hear their comments.
You look great! Have a good day.
Elise
Oh Elise, What comments! Unbelievable. I know I’ve said insensitive things in the past to people (sometimes it was appropriate to apologize, other times it was better to move on) but I can’t think about them without cringing. I hope those comments were one-offs and they won’t think about making them again.
I think you look beautiful. And your friend? She probably has no idea how much what she said hurt. I have the same weakness. Same visible “problem.” And I want so very much to get control of it. And yet I continue to eat. I say “tomorrow. next week…” Or I’ll do well for a week and then stress smacks me upside the head and down I go…
It sucks. Which is not very eloquent, but true.
I am glad your husband knows how to put you back together. Mine does the same.
Hugs, my friend.
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Jennie – I love your blog! I was so excited to see a current photo of you, and you are beautiful! Your writing is some of the very best I’ve seen in blogs, and I look forward to hearing your stories. Hang in there, I have the same lifelong issue with weight, and you expressed it so perfectly about not being able to hide it. I wish I could stop thinking about it, but there it is! But you are so fantastic to share your life with us and I appreciate it so much! Have a lovely day!
Kate, this comment is sooooo encouraging. Thank you for taking the time to read, to leave a comment, and for the sweet things you said. 🙂
I wish I could stop thinking so much about the outward appearance too. It’s funny because I feel beautiful on the inside, and then I get a glimpse in the mirror (gulp) (gaaah).
I don’t know you at all and just discovered your blog today. This is the second post I’m reading. From where I’m sitting, you look radiant and beautiful, confident and have a gorgeous family. Definitely NOT huge. Any issue this “friend” (she’s French, right? i feel like American culture would dictate more tact) has is really her issue — whether she says she’s trying to help or not — it’s more about her than it is you. And as long as you see that, nothing she says can hurt you!
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Hi Diane,
I’m trying to get caught up here, but I can’t wait to come over and take a peek at your blog. The name does sound familiar. And yes, it was a Frenchie who said that. She is so generally clueless though, I don’t think she was trying to hurt me at all. Thank you for your sweet, validating comment. 🙂
I think what I’m drawn to most in you lovely Lady Jennie is your kindness of heart. The line “She was showing me love in the way she knew how” says it all for me. Even in your darkest moment of pain and crushing humiliation, you reveal more about the depth of your character and the quality of your heart than could ever be measured by our sickly societal standards. Quite simply, you are off the charts – full of light and spiritually awake. Beautiful – xo.
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Kelly, I didn’t have a computer last week so I didn’t get a chance to tell you how much your comment meant to me. Thank you! 🙂
Hello lovey! I wanted to let you know that I completely relate – I am a size 18…. and I think you are stunning. Hugs!
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Hi Kate! Thanks for being here, and thanks so much for your words. 🙂
Oh this post really, really spoke to me. I’ve been reading through your memoire and through some of your posts, and the similarities between you and me are just uncanny. I get it. I get your feelings and response and everything else. Your husband sounds amazing! 🙂 And I can totally see some of my French friends saying the same thing to me!!
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