A Lady In France

Threshold

This past weekend we went to Normandy for a church retreat – to Forges-les-Eaux. It was a lot of fun. There was this old structure in place that I erroneously took for a sheep shearing centre –

threshold3especially with the word “mouton” written on top, which means “sheep”

threshold2and a big wheel that looked like a horizontal loom.

threshold1Makes sense right?

Actually – it was not for sheep, it was for apples. The “mouton” is a technical name. This is used for … actually I have no idea what they do with the apples here . . .

threshold4but over here they turn that huge stone wheel, which presses the apples into juice. (This should all be in the passé, actually, since they have more modern methods now). And that’s how they made the Normandy cider – the alcoholic (bubbly, I think) apple cider that comes principally from Normandy and Brittany.

That’s one little glimpse from our trip. I’ll share more photos next week.

I have hit the threshold, guys. I have reached the limit of my capacity that I’m able to do without scaling back (and therefore letting people? myself? down). In fact, I’ve tipped the scales. I’m over the threshold – all the juice squeezed out like all those apples. Each morning (freshly fueled with coffee) I think – no, no. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel. I can stick to what I’ve agreed to. I can do it all. And each night, the stretched out, throbbing, lumpy pieces of flesh that were once me protest that something has to go.

(I just wrote with a few metaphors, anthropomorphism, synecdoche and imagery – oh yes, I did).

Okay, let me tell you what’s going on. Well . . . this is really just for myself, because I still have trouble believing that it has come to this and I can’t do it all. You can skim til I get to the point.

In the area of writing:

I have stepped it up on my blog, promising four categories of posts a week (Faith, Food, France, Family). I’m very excited about that, and to this end my blog is being redesigned. But because my blog is being redesigned, I’m researching exactly what I want and trying to communicate it to the designer (to varying degrees of success).

My editor is almost finished with the memoir and I have to start implementing changes. The good news is that there are no major re-writes. The bad news is that I need to go through again, from start to finish and make small changes for coherency. I also need to start communicating with her and the designer for layout, cover design and marketing.

The anthology that I contributed to is coming out soon. I’ll let you know. It’s going to be an amazing support for mothers who are grieving – losses ranging from infertility to losing a grown child. But I’ve been contributing final edits, final thoughts, etc.

I’m starting to contribute regularly to Queen Latifah’s website. Nothing set in stone yet, but there will be another recipe coming out soon. I don’t have to do that, but it makes me feel important. (Okay, I’m laughing at myself here – feel free to join in).

There are two more anthologies I’ve either submitted to and am waiting to hear, or am working on finishing up a piece. Of course I don’t have to do that either, but it’s hard to scale back when you have amazing opportunities.

In the area of teaching:

As I have for the past four years, I teach five classes in the home for children in the area – up to grade six. One class is Monday after school (Gabriel attends, the others hang out in their rooms). Two are on Wednesday in between my own kids’ activities. And two are Saturday morning. This requires some preparation, and – of course – actually cleaning my house.

I have just added on two days a week teaching at a private bilingual school nearby – tutoring one-on-one. Eventually, I’ll have enough students for it to be two full days, but for now, it’s just a couple to start out with.

The thing is, this is WAY out of my league. We’re out of basic ESL and have walked into literary analysis. My first day, I couldn’t even fake my way through my own ignorance. But with the help of friends (Angie, Katie) I now have a list of literary devices. And I can actually figure out what the WWI poems are talking about. And I can sort of identify the literary devices in the poem. This is going to take major work, however. I need to read every single thing they are and come to sessions prepared.

This also means the only two days I don’t teach are Friday and Sunday (and not even every Sunday because sometimes we teach kids class at church).

In the area of church:

We will continue our Friday Bible discussions at our house (with a meal). We do like that. But, you know, I need to cook and clean. And how can I say no when a sweet friend wants me to teach her the Bible because she trusts me? I can’t, because I’m so honored and I love to do it. So there are those little meetings to squeeze in.

My faith posts involve a lot of study and prayer, so it’s more work than my usual posts just taking pictures of the dog.

And then there is that little extra involvement that comes with being part of a family of God, as opposed to a church you attend once a week. (I’ve experienced both).

In the area of family, house, dog:

The kids each have 2-3 activities per week. Most of that is on Wednesday when there is no school (the day goes from 9 to 6). There’s also Tuesday evening, making Thursday the only day when there is no rushing around after school. And then there’s Saturday afternoon. Their homework is starting to become demanding, and we’ve no added on music theory and instruments to the daily mix of fun.

The dog needs his daily runs. My husband has picked up the pace now that I’m working more, but he will also have to travel. The hedges need to be trimmed, fertilizer put in – you know, stuff like that. However, we only have Saturday and Sunday afternoon to do it (and that is in between music and dance and other activities).

And you know laundry … especially when there is a reluctant night-time potty trainer. Daily sheets?

Me:

You know why I’m last, right? I’m the mom?

Anyway, I don’t even know what to say here. So I won’t.

Except that I can’t even joke anymore about the carpal tunnel that I’m ignoring. If I don’t slow down, I’ll need to go to the physical therapist.

Conclusion?

For one thing, my next post will be next Thursday so I can rest my hands. And? The bottom line is, I don’t have time to read other people’s blogs anymore and that makes me feel so guilty.

Except for the first week of blogging when I thought the world would flock to my brilliance, I learned the hard way that we’re all talented and we all work hard, and if I want recognition so does everyone else. Part of blogging is sharing and reading and supporting. And I can no longer do that – not in the way I want to. Not in the form of following my netvibes account and systematically reading all the people who read me.

I know I have readers who don’t have blogs – who don’t read me because I read them back. There are even gracious souls who have a blog and who don’t expect me to read theirs. But I cannot blame any one of you who wants to stop reading my blog because I cannot support yours (except maybe a handful, from time to time). I understand you – I think it’s fair.

But as for me, I don’t want to give up writing just because I no longer have enough time to support everyone else. It’s selfish, but I write for me and it brings me so much joy. I’m going to keep blogging and doing what I can to be a friend, but I’ve got to let go of the guilt and the pressure.

I’ve reached my threshold.

Comments

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Comments

  1. Alison says

    Well yes, of course you need to do what comes first, and that is everything here. I for one, don’t expect you to read my blog at all, because. I come here because I want to, not because I expect a return visit. I know we’ll be friends off the blog anyway.

    Don’t you worry about a thing – do what you have to. All the opportunities your way sound exciting and are well-deserved!
    Alison recently posted…Ready For Air: A ReviewMy Profile

  2. Andrea says

    Wow you have a lot on your plate. I kind of knew it before, but seeing it all in one fell swoop really brings it home. You are doing A LOT. And you have to take care of yourself. If giving up reading blogs is your sacrifice, then so be it. I will not stop reading your blog unless you stop writing, in which case I will go back to the beginning and read it over again. Love and Peace to you, my friend. xo
    Andrea recently posted…DIY: The Most Delicious Quickie LasagnaMy Profile

  3. Angie Kinghorn says

    Hon, I understand. I so do. I’d wager that most of the people reading understand, too. We all have our thresholds; you’re smart enough to identify yours and deal with it head-on.

    So glad you’re going to keep writing, because you’re amazing.

    Much love (and applause for the literary devices).
    Angie Kinghorn recently posted…“Options”My Profile

  4. Korinthia Klein says

    I don’t read what you write because you’ll read me back. I read what you write because it’s interesting and well-written! That’s a lot on your plate. Hope the repetitive stress problem isn’t too serious. That can be scary. Definitely give your hands a break when you can!
    Korinthia Klein recently posted…Fit to Be TiedMy Profile

    • ladyjennie says

      I know Korinthia! And I also didn’t want to come off like a jerk that other people are self-serving and only read for follow-backs, but it’s just my twisted guilty mentality that I’m trying to get away from.

      I’m researching ergonomic options today.

  6. Katie Sluiter says

    You KNOW I can relate to this, Jennie. You and I are the busy bee twins.

    I also do not read and comment because I want you to read/comment at my place (although you know I would never kick you out of Sluiter Nation!). I read because I am your friend and I love your words.

    That being said, I got a lot of comments this week about knowing my limits and saying “yes” to me. That is also my advice to you. We should both take that advice (too bad we can’t take it together and go get our piggy toes rubbed or something!).

    xxoo
    Katie Sluiter recently posted…crippling expectationsMy Profile

  7. Kim@Co-Pilot Mom says

    I know how it feels to be busy and have things start to pile up – that feeling of “something’s gotta give.” We have to take a step back sometimes and make some changes. I will be here to read your blog and no return visits are necessary. 🙂

    • ladyjennie says

      That’s a good point. Life does move in waves, and I know there will come a point when I’m asking myself what my blogging friends are all up to and I’ll have time to go see. That’s a comforting thought.

  9. 2aex bg says

    I will always be here to read without expecting you do the same.
    It sounds like you are above extremely busy… please, please do not over do it and make your self sick from all the work! Take care of yourself & your family, and do what you can.
    2aex bg recently posted…Where I liveMy Profile

  11. Carole says

    I’m amazed that you have time to blog at all with everything you have going on! I had to cut back to twice a week because I didn’t have enough time to do other stuff.

    Take care with those wrists so ou don’t have to undergo surgery. And good luck with all your writing endeavors!
    Carole recently posted…Produce and FlowersMy Profile

  12. Judith says

    I don’t know how you do it all, Jennie! I would have collapsed after the teaching and house chores, not to mention the writing and being coherent enough to say something worthwhile and beautiful to read (which you do really really well) after all that activity. I don’t blog and do as much and still don’t have enough time to read so many different blogs-yours is the only regular one!

    Don’t feel guilty ok? Sending my prayers and hugs across the seas.

  13. ladyjennie says

    It’s hard when you’re trying to be perfect because you actually think you CAN! (Not in ways such as clean house, discipline in eating, exercising, crafts with my children – the ways that count, you know). But when you think you can be there perfectly for everyone else. Impossible!

  14. Kimberly says

    Can I just say that I knew what mouton is. All those years of taking French classes and I now have proof that I know other things rather than the translations on cereal boxes and canned food.
    Boom.
    Dear, oh dear…those are very exciting things. I thought that I was seeing things when I read Queen Latifa. The hell? I’m in the presence of a celebrity!
    But yes, that is way too much to handle. I try to not look at the entire picture, rather, look at one thing at a time. It’s hard to do. But celebrate your small successes that will become GIANT huge ones.
    Be kind to yourself in the process and drink some apple cider booze. Must put hair on your chest. Wait…don’t do that or you’ll have to add hair waxing on the list. xoxo
    Kimberly recently posted…Hanging Memories | Ornaments With Love GiveawayMy Profile

  15. anymommy says

    I get it; love you. Rest. Write. Teach. Love. Worship. Carpool. Clean. Support. But above all these is love. Or maybe carpool. I can’t remember. I should really be studying the bible with you 😉
    anymommy recently posted…On the lineMy Profile

    • ladyjennie says

      Love you. I saw the FB feed and want to catch up on your little Graham cracker as soon as I get a chance. What fun, even if it’s exhausting.

  18. Hillary says

    You’re listening to what your family needs. You’re encouraging others to seek God and continue on their journey with him, using the talents he gave to you. You’re grabbing those amazing opportunities that will help you grow as a writer and inspire more people. Of course you will continue to write; you’re a writer, Jennie. (That is so exciting about Queen Latifah!)

    But you can’t do everything. And I’m so sorry I asked you for a favor when you’re dealing with all this stress and bustle! I wouldn’t have asked if I had read this post first.
    Hillary recently posted…A Dress For One Day – In Paris (by Daniel Hylton)My Profile

  19. Lia says

    First, I just want to say how proud and impressed I am by all of your writing projects. Brava! Second, I’m glad you’re stopping to ta,e a hard look at all this, because it sounds like you’ll feel much better if you make those demands on your time more reasonable. Third, I haven’t been reading your blog either. I blame it on google reader going away and the fact that its replacement doesn’t let me check my feeds from more than one computer. But you know, I think its also because I have a 6-month old and am working fulltime and playing in an orchestra. I haven’t posted to my own blog for over a month!
    So, take care of yoursefl, my friend, write when you can– and I am proud of you!

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