A Lady In France

Trolls Anonymous

Hi friends! I’ve just returned from BlogHer, and let me tell you – it was amazing. Aside from the obvious excitement of seeing blogging friends become In Real Life friends, there were also the inspiring keynote speakers, the VOTY readers, the fashion show, the incredible panels … Queen Latifah! How could it have been anything but fabulous?

Not surprisingly, however, there was the occasional shadow thrown over the experience – a hovering aura as unwelcome as that ill-timed stomach flu where you find yourself giving your toddler a full bath in the public restroom sink without a set of clothes to change into. I’m talking about the inevitable presence of negative comments and tweets about everything that was not according to somebody’s standard or taste.

You know what I’m talking about right? People who miss all the fun and inspiration and can only see what’s wrong?

We, in the blogging world, affectionately refer to them as

Photo Credit: RF123

Photo Credit: RF123

Trolls.

If you’ve not been hurt by a troll before, you are either a non risk-taker, naturally adorable, very lucky, or . . . it’s just possible you might be a troll yourself. If you are unsure where you stand, let me help you by presenting a few questions to mull over.

a) Do you have low tolerance for idiots? And does that definition include about 95% of the population?

b) Are you unable to see all the good and beauty in a person or event because of the one glaringly obvious thing that doesn’t live up to your standard of perfection?

c) Are you unable to resist showing people the error of their ways – the more sarcastically worded your correction is, the more satisfaction you feel?

d) Do you have high expectations for your own intelligence, appearance and discipline so that you are shocked by others’ lack of intelligence, appearance and discipline?

If you have answered “yes” to one of these things, you might be a troll. If you have answered “yes” to all four, you most certainly are.

But I have good news for you. I believe that trollicism is a disease and that it’s possible to recover from it. I am not here to judge you – I am here to help. And in order to do so, I have borrowed from the wisdom of the 12-step recovery program to assist those of you suffering from trollicism.

Step 1. We admit we are powerless over negativity, attention-seeking, and general troll behavior – that our lives have become unmanageable. This step is pretty straightforward because you just have to . . .

Wait. You don’t think you have a problem? You think that everyone else has the problem and is just waiting for you to arrive on the scene and set them straight? Well, if that’s the case you might not have hit rock bottom yet. You might need to suffer a little longer in your illness until no one but your mother wants to have anything to do with you. And even she’s on the fence.

But let’s say that you are able to admit you are a troll. That brings us to Step 2.

Step 2. We come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you are continually leaving mean-spirited comments or tweets and expecting that people will want to spend increasing time on your blog, all while growing in admiration of your wit and wisdom, you are insane. It is time to be restored.

Step 3. Make a decision to turn our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. Now if you worship the god of page views and stats, you might need to find a different god. Page views and stats are equivalent to your man taking you to an expensive restaurant that you have to pay for, and then ditching you immediately after sex. That’s not someone you want to turn your will and life over to the care of.

The actual God is . . . well – God is different than that. You can count on him. And when you finally understand that you don’t have your life together at all – that you do need him – you’ll be more gracious towards the rest of us who need him too.

Step 4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. It takes more courage to ruthlessly call yourself to a higher moral standard than it does to ruthlessly call other people to your standard. That’s enough said about that.

Step 5. Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. The funny thing is . . . God already knows the exact nature of your wrongs. Other people do too (it has gotten pretty obvious by this point).

The only one who needs to be clued in is you. This is the hardest thing you’ll have to do, but it’s also necessary for recovery. So good luck with that.

Step 6. Be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. If you can get through Step 5, you should be able to breeze right through this one. Once you see what you look like as a troll, you won’t be able to apply for a new look fast enough.

Step 7. Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings. Yes, you need to be willing to have a personality makeover, but eventually you also need to do it. You need to walk up to that celestial makeup counter and tell them you are having an inner beauty 911. Trust me – before the words even leave your mouth, you will quickly be ushered to a cushy chair, surrounded by a halo of soft lighting.

Step 8. Make a list of all persons we’ve harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all. Now is a good time to apply that exacting nature of yours and not leave anyone out. If you truly want to be perfect, you can even go back to the early days – the initial descent from the decency wagon – where you unleashed your venom anonymously. Be willing to make amends to them too, even if it means outing yourself.

Step 9. Make direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure others. If you’ve been a troll for so long you’re at a loss for how to be respectful and kind, here are some ideas. You can start by commenting supportively on every post you read, or leave glowing tweets and Facebook shares. You can send chocolates! People will receive your penance graciously. (Unless they, too, struggle with trollicism. We’ll address that in Step 12).

Step 10. Continue to take personal inventory, and when we are wrong, promptly admit it. Once you admit it’s possible for you to be wrong the first time, it truly does get easier a second time, a third time, etc. Just keep a continual check on those trollist impulses.

Step 11. Seek to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying for the knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out. By the time you get to Step 11, you’re starting to realize that it’s not enough to live your life just to please yourself. You understand you live in a community! With people! Congratulations – you’re now ready to graduate from kindergarten.

Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to fellow trolls and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Once you’ve seen how unsavory trollicism really is, you’ll never want to be like that again. You will do everything in your power to help fellow trolls see the light.

Believe me – as someone living a different type of recovery – it works if you work it. You will find your sweet spot, and you’re not gonna want to go back.

Photo Credit: 123RF

Photo Credit: 123RF

One day, you, too, will be able to bow your head chastely – in harmony with the blogging community – and repeat the serenity prayer with full conviction: “Lord, help me to accept the comments I cannot leave without being vicious, snarky or condescending; give me the courage to change my trollish nature for something more beautiful and decent . . .

and bless me with the wisdom to know when to shut down all social media and just walk away.”

Comments

I love to hear from you, friends. You can comment using the box below or your Facebook profile. But FB doesn't notify me of new comments, so if the post is more than a week old and you want to make sure I see your comment, it's better to use the comment box. Merci!

Comments

    • ladyjennie says

      They are always at it – I didn’t get an arrow, but some of my friends did. Enough is enough, right?

      PS We definitely have to meet next year (or in Paris).

  4. Arnebya says

    Trolls exist because they’re unhappy. I’ve convinced myself that that’s the case. Hurt people hurt people, right? I’m tired already of the complaints about BlogHer, the complaints in general. But, I’m secure enough within my nontrollness to simply walk away. There were comments made on a BlogHer post today that I truly wanted to respond to but I wouldn’t have had anything substantial or positive to add to the conversation, so I went mute. I wish more people would learn that. It’s an art, really, shutting up.

    You, however, I would like to talk forever and ever amen.
    Arnebya recently posted…Guest Posting at Mommy-MiraclesMy Profile

    • ladyjennie says

      Hee hee. You make me giggle. And yes – you have learned the art of not adding senselessly to the downward-spiralling conversation. I am still learning, so I will sit at your feet. 🙂

  5. Andrea says

    Hee hee hee. This appeals to my snarky level so much! You hit it squarely on the head. My favorite line? “It is time to be restored.” I think that all of us can relate to this at one time or another!
    Andrea recently posted…The First SummerMy Profile

  7. deborah l quinn says

    My 12 year old somehow has picked up a slang expression: “to troll,” as in to fool someone, or zap someone, or catch someone out. As in “I totally trolled you when we played scrabble…” Wonder if somehow that word made it’s way from blogland? But yeah. As someone who is snarky by nature, I always worry that my comments will be mis-read by someone as trolling–and so like Arnebya, I too have (tried to) learn the art of shutting up & walking away…
    deborah l quinn recently posted…The Moral of the Skinned KneeMy Profile

  9. Shefali says

    I’ve been “trolled” before and I was surprised at how hurt I was. How down it could get me.
    Loved this post, it was funny but also in-your-face trolls 🙂
    Shefali recently posted…Then And NowMy Profile

  11. Leslie says

    It just feels so much better to see the good in something than to focus on the bad. Why is that so hard for some people to get? Speaking of which, the five minutes we spent together at the VOTY reception were so special to me, Jennie. Thank you for that! I think if I hadn’t had you there with me to make it fun, I could have easily focused on the potential negatives instead of finding the funny in it. Big love for you sister. Oh, still need to email you your pic!!! DOH! On it…
    Leslie recently posted…The royal birth vs. my first birthMy Profile

    • ladyjennie says

      That was a memorable reception. I’m so glad I was there with you to laugh about it together with. I hope you post those pictures. 🙂

    • ladyjennie says

      I was totally thinking I’d see you in the Serenity Suite, but I didn’t realize that it was in a different place than the sessions and breakfast area. Once I figured that out, I thought I’d be there alone. In the end, there were others, but I think it was too hard to get to for the folks who said they’d meet me there.

  15. My Inner Chick says

    you know what, Jennie?

    —when I notice so called idiot “TROLLS” are commenting on blogs or whatever saying stuff like–“you spelled carma/karma wrong or it’s I not me, or you said that before,” I ALWAYS comment after their comments saying “TOUGH shit or SO what or WHO CARES.”

    I can’t bloody help myself. I despise when people try to make others feel badly about themselves, you know?

    Love Xxxxx KISSssss from MN.
    My Inner Chick recently posted…1159 DaysMy Profile

    • ladyjennie says

      I don’t mind grammar trolls because I love getting help on my writing, but I think it’s probably hard for people who know it’s not their strength and have no interest in trying to get better (like me perfecting my French – it’s passable, even good, but I don’t care if I sound native).

      How did the busking go? I wish I could have seen it.

      • Virginia (Kissyface) says

        Ha! The busking HAPPENED, which is cause for celebration alone. It almost didn’t go through because the conditions were never really great, and I was nervous. But I did it. And my friends who watched said it was great, and a guy who stopped to watch gave me a hug afterward, so, yeah, I’m counting it as a success. 🙂 Thank you for asking, Jennie!

  17. Ann says

    What I’ve come to very recently *ahem* is that praise or cruelty–if I’m dwelling on it I need to think about someone else or get back to work and out of my enormous head.

    🙂

    Great post!

  18. Coffee Lovin Mom says

    Trollicism – I love that you made a word for it! Great to see you from afar at the conference, I was in a session with you, sorry I didn’t come over and say HI!!

  20. Ameena says

    I am always so mystified by trolls…not sure why some people feel the need to spread such negativity for no reason? I mean, stop reading / following things that offend you, right?

    Makes no sense.

    Glad you had a great time despite this Jennie!
    Ameena recently posted…smartMy Profile

    • ladyjennie says

      I know, and Ameena – you are a peaceful soul, as much as you joke about “trolling” your husband at times. You’re just the kind of person I like hanging out with.

  21. Heather says

    I wasn’t trolled online, because 1. My blog is lame and comments are turned off bc I had local trolls that got to me one too many times. (About my business) 2. Weird SM tweets fly passed my tipsy eye and give me something to cackle at.
    I did, however, encounter some bullies at Blogher. That was new for me. Being cornered at one of the parties and verbally harassed by a group of bloggers was something I never expected…but it’s okay. My therapist will thoroughly enjoy the story. I could even blog about it, since those sad clowns can’t leave a comment. 😉
    Heather recently posted…I had no idea Chicago was named after onions.My Profile

  23. Linda Roy says

    I thought the same thing last year when there were so many complaints about BlogHer. It was fabulous people, why the fuss? And this year? Even better. All the more so because I had the pleasure of meeting and chatting with you. So nice to have met you Jennie!
    Linda Roy recently posted…Panties In a WadMy Profile

  24. Nina says

    I think you’ve hit on something really important here. There will ALWAYS be something to complain about at an event. A person who has planned things and taken the time to look into all the details is usually more sensitive (I would think) to the fact that nobody can control every moment of a major event like that with so many moving parts. I saw a few snarky tweets and thought “hey, I’d love to be there. How about I take your place?” 😉

    This was such a clever post!
    Nina recently posted…Controlling My iPhone Time Once and For AllMy Profile

  25. Chrisor says

    This is a great post! The problem is trolls don’t want to change. The entire world needs more tolerance and understanding. When someone is kind, I never forget. It’s equally as hard or harder to forget if someone is mean. I wrote about people being mean to one another in my own blog post. I hope to meet you at BlogHer next year! I can’t believe you came all the way from France. 🙂
    Chrisor recently posted…Intentions Are EverythingMy Profile

Recent Posts

Archives

Instagram

Let’s Be Social!