A Lady In France

The Vulnerability of Being Loved

I wrote this post yesterday. And although I do feel better today (apart from the fact that my husband has a last minute trip to the antarctic (Minnesota) on top of his scheduled trip to Hollywood and I so don’t want him to leave), I thought it was worth it to share how I’ve been feeling because a lot of this is still valid.

I am feeling completely overwhelmed with sadness, and it’s for the oddest of reasons. It’s the lump-in-the-throat, tears stinging at the back of my eyeballs, heavy-hearted kind of sadness. And it’s very real. It feels real, even though it’s over the most ridiculous thing.

I feel sad because people are being so nice to me. And I won’t ever be able to pay them back.

Let me just let that statement stick out there awkwardly for a moment.

Some of my good friends suggested I make a formal schedule for the people who are willing to do a blog review on my book. So I have that pretty well worked out. There will be reviews on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for the next couple of weeks or so. Cool, huh?

And then it was suggested that I link back to them, to their blogs – their words. I think that is such a good idea, so I will be doing that as well. It’s the least I can do for these precious words they gift me with.

But in a weird way, even that is self-serving because it’s kind of like saying, “Hey. Go over there and read about how great my book is.” It sort of always comes back to me, which makes me uncomfortable.

The response to my book has been overwhelming. Maybe not overwhelming in terms of breaking the charts or anything, but overwhelming in terms of the reactions and support I received. Greta started by posting a picture of her (and her cutie) with my book on Facebook. It was this picture –

bookand that sort of launched the trend. All of a sudden tons of people were sharing pictures  of my book next to their beautiful faces on Facebook and Instagram. And people have been sharing it like mad. I mean, yes – I did ask for it. I did ask for reviews and all that. But I didn’t expect all of the shares on twitter, G+, Facebook. I didn’t expect the feedback, the comments on blog posts, the private messages and e-mails. I didn’t expect to feel so completely

. . . vulnerable . . . because I will never be able to repay everybody for all the kindness.

Please tell me some of you can relate to what I’m talking about, and that I don’t sound quite as pompous as I think I sound.

You know, pain seems easier to bear than this. With pain I can tough it out. I can set my face like flint. I can barrel my way through until I push to the other side. But this vulnerable place – this unbearable vulnerability of being loved and not being able to earn it back by being useful to someone else – is almost more than I can handle. It’s certainly way more than I bargained for.

I know there’s a spiritual lesson in here somewhere, but since it’s not my Monday post on faith, I’ll not pursue it.

I have two reviews to share with you today. Two precious reviews. One was planned and promised, and the other was spontaneous and unexpected. And how she managed to do a glowing review before she even started the book I don’t know, but she did manage it. And yes I’m laughing too.

Katie (of the planned and promised review) blogs at Sluiter Nation and I’ve had the privilege of getting to know her over the past months and then to meet her at BlogHer in Chicago. Katie’s words are all over the place. She will be part of the book “Return to Zero” about pregnancy and infant loss – a book for which my own written submission was rejected. I’m so pleased that she’s been chosen – and not surprised in the least, given her beautiful writing. This will be coming out in the Spring so you can keep an eye out for it.

Her words have also appeared in Baby Talk magazine and the Today Show website. And besides being an amazing, inspiring teacher – the kind that makes me believe that teachers can change the world, the kind that I would want my own children to have – she’s also a passionate advocate for Common Core, and you can read about that here.

And this amazing writer, teacher and friend has written about my book here.

Thank you Katie.

The other review, which is not a review, but actually is almost a review is by Leanne from (From) Chaos Comes Happiness. Leanne is an artist, and the figure she draws to go along with her inspirational sayings reminds me of the comic strip “Cathy” – do you remember that one? Which then reminds me of my mom because she liked (likes? is it still printed?) that comic strip.

Leanne and I have connected for years in the online world and we’ve had a few e-mail exchanges over the deep stuff. And I watched as her dream came true and she was able to visit Italy with the love of her life. Leanne has a beautiful soul, as I’m sure you will see.

And if you’re reading this in time, she has an incredible art supply (or arts and craft supply) giveaway going on until Sunday. There might still be time to win it! The not-quite-a-review-but-is-still-a-review is here. And she even had the sweetness to do a follow-up post with the link to my book on Amazon, which included her assessment of the first four chapters. One day she might even be able to review the book in its entirety! (I’m laughing and joking, but I’m also crying from the love and support).

Thank you Leanne.

So this is where I’m at. I’ve been trying to respond to everyone’s comments, mails, tweets and shares, and I can’t. I’ve been trying to scramble to support everyone else’s writing – who deserves the attention – and read and appreciate and share in the same manner, but it’s not enough. I’ll never be able to do enough. I’ll never be able to earn this love that’s being showered on me. I’ll never be able to pay everyone back to the same measure that I’ve been given.

I just have to remain in this place where “thank you” doesn’t seem to be enough – sit here uncomfortable, raw, vulnerable . . . and be loved.

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Comments

    • ladyjennie says

      There is, there is. But it’s solo uncomfortable.

      Hey, can you have a talk with the weather and tell it to go easy on my husband next week? 😉 He’s not used to sub-zero temperatures.

  2. Alison says

    See, the thing is, the love you get from being who you are, for sharing your story -that is not the kind of love that needs to be repaid. That is given freely, and happily (and I speak from my experience, writing my Goodreads/ Amazon review of your gorgeous book).

    I’m thinking that maybe you can pay it forward somehow to someone else, someone who needs the love. Even just a simple, “you are amazing”, “I love you”, “thank you”. If I could do that for someone, it’d be the greatest love debt paid ever.
    Alison recently posted…Through The Lens Thursday #2My Profile

  3. Katie Sluiter says

    Yes. I know what you speak of. My students do this to me and it causes me to feel awkward and so undeserving. I feel this way when I am given gifts for no reason (although I did the 5 love languages test and apparently after Words of Affirmation, Gifts is my second strongest love language). I think about how I will never be able to repay people for the loveliness and kindness they have blessed me with.

    Secondly, YOU have been that blessing to SO SO SO many people–which we have read about in your book. And this is the way that goodness is coming back to you. You shared your LIFE with the WORLD. Now the world wants to give that love back.

    Accept it. Bask in it. And know that by basking and glowing, you are paying us back 100-fold.

    Love you.
    Katie Sluiter recently posted…One Last LookMy Profile

  4. Angie Kinghorn says

    Oh, Jennie. You are loved. And I’m going to go into the faith part of it because I don’t know how to comment on this without going into the faith part.

    Isn’t that the crux of everything? Learning that we have to accept a love we didn’t earn? A grace we can’t repay?

    We may spend our lives trying, but we will never live up to the standard set, because we can’t. And so we have to hold out our hands and accept grace and love from Christ like a communion wafer at the rail.

    And here, my friend, I think you have to do the same with the love from your friends. We don’t do these things because we expect anything back from you. We do them because we love you. A gift is a gift because it is freely given with nothing expected in return.

    Not that I’m trivializing your present situation–far from it. Being loved and vulnerable is one of the hardest things to do in this life.

    But you’re strong, and you have practice at this. Hugs.

    xoxo
    Angie Kinghorn recently posted…TrespassingMy Profile

    • ladyjennie says

      Well Amen Angie! My husband liked your response too. And you’re right – I can’t repay this anymore than I can repay grace, but maybe I’m not supposed to.

  6. Nina says

    I totally get what you’re saying. I feel that one when someone shares a post of mine, so I can imagine the feeling of a whole book! You are so supportive of so many bloggers and deserve this show of enthusiasm and help in return. Congrats on all the excitement! Will be reading this book in 2014!
    Nina recently posted…The Hobby DestroyerMy Profile

    • ladyjennie says

      Thanks Nina. I’m finally finished with the other book I had to review and I’m charging right through Her Stories. I haven’t come to yours yet. 🙂

  7. anna whiston-donaldson says

    Your book is helping people. Helping all of us! And it needs to be supported and nurtured and shared. You are an incredible friend, Jennie. I will never forget the time, attention, and PACKAGES you sent to me in my grief and pain before I ever had the privilege of hugging you in real life. And your prayers? They buoyed me up. You did all of those things out of the love and compassion you felt for a hurting stranger across the world. LOVE YOU, JENNIE!
    anna whiston-donaldson recently posted…Ages and StagesMy Profile

  8. Vernita says

    In “Daring Greatly”, Brene Brown says vulnerability is not weakness, but a great stength. So few of us have the amazing strength it takes to vulnerable, to allow ourselves to be loved. I’ve only been reading your posts for a few days (and I’ve ordered but not yet received your book!), but I can’t tell you how much they’ve moved me. Purchasing your book doesn’t begin to ‘pay you back’ for what your words have given me.

  10. Leanne says

    I’m so grateful to you, my friend. For your compassion, for your honesty, for caring, and for your story. Thank you for mentioning me in this post. I remember reading somewhere “Touch someones heart with an act of kindness and you will receive the greatest gift of all.”

    It is so very true.
    Leanne recently posted…And the Winner Is . . .My Profile

  11. Eli@coachdaddy says

    It’s my first time here, but even a dude can see what’s going on here.

    Jennie, you have this adoration because you exude it, too. Blog and book readers don’t congregate on sites of jerks. They’re drawn to those who share and love and add meaning an interact.

    That’s you.

    Yes, embrace it, but also, know that the good you do for others is what keeps this going. It’s not a debt, it’s a cycle, and as long as you keep doing what you’re doing, it will continue.

    You owe us nothing but being you.

    I kinda think I should follow you now.
    Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…Go Ask Daddy About Real Estate Value, Tasteless Plates and Animal MascotsMy Profile

  12. Kimberly says

    Oh I am so very far behind!
    I cannot wait to get my hands on your book.
    Girl, you write, and you write well. You pushed yourself to put your words out there…and on actual like people did back in the 1800’s (hee hee…and people are wanting to read.
    I am but one person in a book of tons of bloggers, and even though I’m the small blogger on the totem pole, I still feel the same way as you do. The support from family and friends is overwhelming, yet at the same it pushes me to want to do more.
    I’m very grateful.
    Thank you for your words and your courage to write them. All of us who follow you know your heart and that you’re grateful for the small and big things.
    Own this moment because you deserve it xoxo
    Kimberly recently posted…Breaks, Walls And A Dog’s Shriveled BallsMy Profile

  13. Mimi says

    I am a lot older than you and in my many years, when the same thoughts invade my mind, I have come to realize it is GOD’S way of smiling at me, shaking HIS head and saying ” see I am the boss so deal with it”

  14. My Inner Chick says

    I understand.

    You see, the people who love you, encourage you, & promote your cause….are those who DO NOT want something in return.

    Accept this gift.

    It is beautiful.

    And so are you. Xx

    And remember,
    My Inner Chick recently posted…Remembering JuneMy Profile

    • ladyjennie says

      Thank you Sarah. I hadn’t thought about it that way, but yes there is probably that added vulnerability because I am my book, like you said.

  18. anymommy says

    You reap what you sow, sweet lady. BAM. Was that a semi-biblical, very applicable quote from moi?? I believe it was 😉 xo. Doling out spirituality wherever it’s needed.
    anymommy recently posted…A stitch in timeMy Profile

  20. Galit Breen says

    I really get this, Jennie. I used to have such a hard time accepting hop and kindness. I think it was how I protected myself and kept a barrier between people I loved and who could love me.

    I have to consciously decide to let people in in this way. And when I do? It’s exactly what you said — I feel loved.

    (I think a part of this is also feeling like we deserve to be loved. Oy. All of this messy, isn’t it? I just wanted to say that I think that YOU deserve to be LOVED.)

    xo
    Galit Breen recently posted…Listening EarsMy Profile

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