When I was a princess, he told me, “One year is not good enough; I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
A surreptitious phone call was made, and five minutes later we were off with my roommates in a car headed towards a surprise party that was organized for our engagement. About 75 people kept the surprise!
When I was a princess, I organized a wedding in 4 ½ months in Manhattan. Marjorie made all our bouquets from black roses, Kim sewed my veil and decorated the stone reception hall with tulle and white candles. Rosalind did everything there was to do behind the scenes.
My dear roommates, Neyra, Sue and Lisa, intercepted me at the checkout counter to buy my wedding dress for me. Betsy organized the music, Gloria organized the day itself, José deejay’d the ceremony and the reception.
And then everyone showered gifts at our feet.
When I was a princess, I got married. I bathed and perfumed myself before Carpio swept my hair in a chignon where the veil and tiara would nestle, my face left unhidden so I could beam at my husband-to-be. Carrie, my make-up artist friend who worked at the Mac counter in Macy’s, artfully applied just enough to embellish, never to hide.
The chairs were being filled at Columbia Chapel, the programs set out, the front rows cordoned off as my brother Jeff played classical music on the piano. And when the ceremony was about to begin, Jeni sang, “You Take my Breath Away,” while Pete accompanied with guitar.
Finally Sir walked in to loud salsa music, flanked by his four brothers and his best men.
When the drums started to beat to music from The Mission, my sister and nine bridesmaids entered, perfectly timed to walk through the length of the song and reach the alter at its completion. They were willows floating down the aisle in ruby gowns.
And then there was silence. An expectation.
Quietly the theme from Braveheart “For the Love of a Princess” started to play as identical twins, Christiana and Sonja (students at the New York City ballet), danced down the aisle in white dresses with white flowers woven into their dark ringlets. They danced to the front as maidens would dance in a forest, and accompanied my flower girl to lay petals at Sir’s feet.
As the music changed and started to build, the dancers ran towards the back of the chapel to herald my entrance. And just at the right moment, they leapt to each side as the heavy tall doors at the back began to open, flooding the church with light.
When I was a princess, I walked in on my father’s arm to meet my beloved to the sound of applause from friends and family. And at our first kiss, the place erupted in cheers again. The two photographers ran forward as if in slow motion, their long hair silhouetted in the sun, as Sir and I slowly turned and lifted our joined hands in a victory cheer.
We were carried by the love of our friends and family, people serving in so many ways I neither paid for nor earned.
* * *
Young Lady, what is it you want to ask me? What’s so hard for you to say? Why do you ask me if it’s because Young Knight was the biggest baby, and that’s all you can manage to get out?
I think I know what you want to ask from that question, so let me help you to express it. You want to know why my belly is so big, is that it?
Ah … that’s it. You collapse in my lap, your body hot from shame, and you nod your head miserably. “But I don’t want to cause you pain,” you wail.
No honey, you don’t cause me pain; it’s good to express these things and not keep them inside, I explain. Well … first of all, I had three pretty big babies so that does stretch my belly out a bit. But that’s not the real reason it’s still big after all these years. The real reason is just that I eat too much, especially too much sugar.
“But I eat lots of sugar too!” consoles my sweet-toothed daughter.
I know honey, but God made your body so that you would burn it all up, I say playfully tapping her firm abdomen with the last two words, and for that I’m very glad.
But it’s not just eating. I also need to exercise and be more active, which I have started to do. Don’t worry honey, I know this is an issue that needs to be addressed, but it’s my problem and I’m taking care of it.
We hug each other tightly. And as she stands up to leave she says, “When you got married, you were sooo beautiful. You were so thin!” And with that she waltzes down the stairs, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I sit without moving and stare straight ahead at the fingerprints on the window. Reality bites.
I have to start actively looking at what I’ve only ever wanted to peek at from the comfort of my burrow: My body will no longer forgive excess the way it once did, and this is an issue that is important for me to address. I want to make my daughter proud – I want to make my children proud – but in this one area, set in the backdrop of the sophisticated French mothers, I have not been doing that.
More than for my children, I want to be proud of the way I look for myself. I want to reclaim my youth and vitality before they sprout wings and fly away.
When I gaze at who I was during that era through the sparkly web of nostalgia – the me who was still single and living in Manhattan, I see myself dancing through the City unencumbered, fueled by laughter and young love. Everything seemed so easy and perhaps everything was. But when I face who I am now in my size 16-18 pants (sigh), I regret that I still see myself as the way I was when I got married – active, energetic, able to leap into any adventure – and that my reality doesn’t match up.
My husband still looks at me as a princess at times, and more than he would just a friend or mother to his children. He’ll stop what he is doing and remark on the way my green eyes look in the sun, or how pretty my rosy cheeks are framed by my brown hair. He has always been able to see beauty in the small things.
And I still feel beautiful most of the time, despite not being at my physical best.
I am grateful for this body that lived and forged its way through the exotic culture of Asia, that survived living in the harsh terrain of Africa, that traveled around the world. I’m proud of this body that carried four, and brought three children into the world, that nursed them and carried them in my arms through sleepless nights. I love this body that keeps house, always cooks extra for guests and hugs friends and loves my husband. I know that being size 8 or size 18 is not really what matters, even if my dignity will not allow me to remain complacent any longer.
I will just not be coerced into change by shame or desperation.
I have lived a rich life and am very content with how I lived it. I believe that when I die and my whole life stretches before me, it will all be sparkly with nostalgia, even this part of me that seems dim and wilted. I have to remember that my life was not better back when I was carefree (and thin), although the past can photoshop reality to a degree. After all, when I think back to my time as a single sophisticate, all I was ever running after was exactly what I have right now.
When I was a princess, everything was fairy dust. Now that I am a woman, everything is real.
Oh Jennie, there’s so much here.
The magical tale that you wove of your wedding day – pure, beautiful magic.
The struggle with a changing body and wanting to change it.
And then the message to our kids that always feels so, uncomfortable I guess?
I have no advice, I just wanted you to know that I read, and heard, you
Thanks for reading and your constant support.
You write like an angel would.
In my mind’s eye, princesses are not just thin and beautiful on the outside. They are beautiful, true and sparkling from the inside. Your husband clearly sees that.
That was a sweet and encouraging comment, my dear Alison. 🙂
This is so gorgeous! xo
Thank you Shell! 🙂
Hi Jen,
I know exactly how you’re feeling. Last year I bit the bullet and decided to face up to how much extra there was of me since I had the first baby!
I worked out that to get back into a good BMI I had to loose 15 kg – despair! – I couldn’t even shift 1kg at the time!
I ended up losing nearly 20 kg and felt great! I felt good not just because I could move more easily and fit into any clothes (a first) but because my energy levels were regular and exercising regularly also helped me feel fab. (there are different types of exercise to help burn fat.
the phrase that really resonated with me was ‘get off the sugar rollercoaster’!! which is exactly what I was on. – a nibble of something sweet as a treat would give an energy rush followed by a crash which needed another quick boost of sugar to get me on the level and the cycle continued. All the time suppressing my appetite for good food.
A year later and I’ve kept the weight off!
I can go into detail if it’ll help motivate you.
Love
Abby
Hey Abby, I do know what to do. I’ve always known what to do as this is a life-long struggle for me; I just need to have the right motivation or all that knowledge comes to nothing. I’m focusing on walking and limiting quantity as a start. I can add on from there to something more stringent but I’m already seeing small changes, which is motivating.
What an honest and beautiful piece. I’m glad you feel beautiful; you undoubtedly are in more than just the simplest ways. And I was so very impressed with how you responded to your daughter with such humility.
The description of your wedding day was enthralling, the magic of a fairy tale, and what an enormous blessing (as you stated yourself) to have so many people give so much to you and Sir on that most important day.
I also need to leave the sugar roller coaster, and I’ve even begun to pray for some help in turning my back on these sweets I think I need. I am so sleep deprived so often that it is very hard to break the habit, but I hope I will.
Oh sleep-deprived kills us every time. I don’t even have that excuse anymore! Get some sleep before any major life changes, ok? 😉
Last post we were supposed become Martha stewart, today Gwyneth paltrow, but honestly as my last post we can’t be granola everyday, or for hole life;-)
Merci Sir, mais qu’est ce que tu fais dans ce coin ????
Ciao
Yes it’s hard to be Gweneth Paltrow when we cook like Martha Stewart! 😉
Sir est très fidele à lire mon blog, même s’il ne fait aucun commentaire.
This is gorgeous and honest. You are a princess and a special one at that !
Aw – thanks Ayala.
I believe every word of this except for one line:
“We were carried by the love of our friends and family, people serving in so many ways I neither paid for nor earned.”
My friend. You more than earn the love thrown your way. With every word and kindness; with your generosity of body and spirit; you have the deepest beauty within you.
And that, I am quite sure, is what is real.
p.s. Having said that, I applaud your self-examination and desire to address that which is not to your satisfaction…as long as you promise to be gentle with yourself in the assessment. Because you, Princess or Woman, are extraordinary.
Okay. Gentle. I don’t think my old body can handle any more harsh treatment. 😉
Beautiful post. I think we can all relate to your struggles…thinking of you my friend!
Yes, even if it’s not a weight struggle, it’s any weakness of ours we hope our children will escape from. 🙂
An endearing tale of happiness and love, yesterday and today. About that little extra you’ve acquired, it will take care of itself with some time and effort.
Remember the “biggest” thing about you is your heart.
What a lovely thing to say – thank you!
Thank you dear Abbey.
You are amazing inside and out. Weight is temporary, character is forever.
That quote should be published.
(and thank you so much)
What an incredible wedding day. I almost wrote that I wish I could have seen it, but I feel like I have.
As for the weight, I understand. Start out slowly. Cut your portions in half and go for a walk or two. I find that it clears my head and feeds the muse. You will find your way when you are ready.
May I just add that I admire your unflinching honesty a great deal?
Yes! That’s exactly what I have been doing – cutting my portions in half and walking. I do see some small positive effects from that and it might inspire me to keep going.
Really, really beautiful.
Thank you Brittany! 🙂
Such a beautiful post. I read the first half in awe and the second with understanding. I hope only that you will be gentle with yourself as you heal.
I know I’m not alone in this struggle – moms of all shapes and sizes usually have to deal with some area that is frustrating and slow to change. But oh boy! I have to remember the gentle part – I was not very gentle with myself this morning.
Wonderfully beautiful post.
Thank you!
All your days as a princess built you up to become the incredible woman, all real and all amazing, you are today.
Thanks sweet thing. 🙂
Bravo on leaving a comment in English. And you’re right about starting from zero and returning to zero – good point.
This is so gorgeous! What a sweet story.
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oh my goodness- I think I’m almost crying over how wonderful this piece is! Or maybe the fact your bridesmaids had ruby dresses- ruby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have made my day with this bit of writing right here Jennie.
Oh thank you TJ! 🙂 It’s so lovely to see you here.
Wow, this has got to be one of your best posts. Loved the story of your wedding, but the honesty of the second half is searing (the Princess vs the Queen)! I know you’re beautiful NOW and it’s wonderful to strive to be healthy too. Reality bites, but it’s beautiful too – and never set in stone.
I have to remember this – reality is beautiful (I agree) and never set in stone (kind of a revelation).
Jennie, I love you. No matter what size. Because you have helped me, believed in me when I didnt, and have given love to others when it hurt. You are and will always be, a Princess. Thank you for your gifts! You are the aroma of roses and the warmth of a mothers arms.
Beautiful post. Thank you. The line that will stay with me is this one: “After all, when I think back to my time as a single sophisticate, all I was ever running after was exactly what I have right now.”
Your wedding sounds SO amazing! Wow…
But then long-term reality is amazing, too, and that’s wonderful.
Cheers!
😀 Anna
This is such a powerful post, Jennie. I swooned hearing the details of your wedding day. (The music from The Mission is some of my favorite. Thanks for reminding me of that.) And I think many of us can relate to what you’ve written about the way that we change when we become mothers – and not just physically. I applaud you for your courage in writing about it and embracing the woman that the princess became. You go, girl! xo
Thanks for the cheering squad – oh boy do I need it!
That last line. Oh, that last line. I want to marry that last line. This is all so very true…I haven’t had that conversation with my daughter yet, but I know I will.
I’m trying to eat better, be active, maybe shrink a little, but I know even if it doesn’t work, I’d still rather be me now, then the me of 13 years ago.
Well said – I wouldn’t change now for then either.
You really have a way with words, as to make both the most wonderful day of your life and your day-to-day sound equally poetic — what a beautiful post
Thank you 🙂 I have been by your blog and loved the Scotland pictures!! I got distracted before I could leave a comment, but I’m dying to visit there.
Oh my gosh was a gorgeous description of your wedding, absolutely perfect and then your thoughts about today? They ring so very true for me.
Oh.
This is something I can’t find the words for.
yes, looking so beautiful as a princess, just to have all that I have now, at my feet.
And me looking the opposite of what I did, when I was in pursuit of just this very thing.
I have it all.
LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY
Simply beautiful!
Loved this line – “After all, when I think back to my time as a single sophisticate, all I was ever running after was exactly what I have right now.”
Dear Jennie,
God has gifted you in so many ways. I love to read your thoughts which are always written so beautifully! I love you and pray for you. We are looking forward to visiting your dad and Treese next week.
Love,
Aunt Carol
Thank you so much Aunt Carol. I’m so honored that you read my blog. I love you too.
Apparently, I had already voted for you.
Deja vu.
(Now you know I REALLY love your princess post.)